How to maintain marriage when husband is devoting his life to his mother?

and she's going to a nursing home she will be care for why he have to leave his job how long you been married

honey run like hell he don't care about you or how you fell about it he didn't even sit and talk it out with you. you move once don't do it again and please don't go live with mother in law if wasn't for this site i would still be at my mother in law i listen to every one here and give my husband an ultimatum he choose me his wife. so if he really love's you he would respect you enough to sit and discuss it but he don't you may have to walk away sometimes in life we have to make hard decision just to have peace and happiness. i lost my self helping my husband take care of his mom almost had a break down for 4 years. think hard good luck

sorry to hear this, tough decision for sure. what is your hubby going to do for money while there? I am guessing he will be using his mothers funds for food, etc. Is he old enough to retire? if not, he might want to think before retiring too soon before the main age......there is a decline in the pay that will stay that way forever. Is there anyone else in the family that lives close by that can stay with her? It doesn't seem fair to ask you to move somehwere that you have no communication either due to language barrier, and why does he have to visit every day if in a nursing home? Why do you think you will lose your marriage, are you having issues now and you think this will make it worse? Maybe the time away will make you see things more clearly.........or maybe you can move back closer to your family to help with them. There are so many decisions, but you have to write down the pros and cons of you going with him, you staying behind, you moving back to the US, etc. Wishing you luck.

Imho, more information is needed before I can provide a suggestion, though it probably would be a bad decision for your husband to quit his job.

Family culture probably plays a huge roll in this - I am assuming. You made your choice about your parents and he views his duty to parent as taking care of her. It may also be that because of her critical health issue, he wants to be with her now before her time on earth is over. He has made his decision and it sounds like you have, too, since you said you aren't willing to move and he said he's going w/without you. Some are caregivers or feel the obligation and some aren't/don't.

Can you afford, on your own income, to stay where you are? If so, stay put and continue living your life without him. It may not be the best time to divorce, but if you must, you must.

I do have to ask...what if one/both of your parents were to become critically ill, or be in same position as his mom, would you return to the US to care for them? Or to be closer to see them before they pass? The answer to that may help you decide to support him now or to move on with your life without him.

Some confusion - you were from US. He lived in Europe, but not in the same county where his mother lives?

Not sure how old you or your DH are, what country or culture DH has grown up in, how long you've been married, how long you have been living outside the US or how long ago she had a stroke so I am kind or wandering around in the dark on this problem. If the stroke is fairly recent, he is probably panicked (who wouldn't be) and this is a knee jerk reaction as has been mentioned. If this is the case, it might be wiser to hold your counsel and be supportive... from where you are!
The problem I see with you moving with him is that you don't speak the native language and apparently can't work there. If you don't already have lot of friends and in- law relatives that you know and get along with... without a work environment you are going to be pretty isolated emotionally (that is assuming that DH has a job lined up because how will the two (should I say the three of you) live? And if you are not working, I can almost guarantee that you are going to be the one providing the skilled nursing care for MIL. I have a feeling that neither of you is quite aware of what goes into to caring for someone in MIL's condition - you both may be emotionally and physically unable to handle it. Having said that I should mention that most nursing and PT staff will tell you that you don't know how good the recovery is from a massive stroke for about 5-6 months. Maybe you should show him some of the posts from this forum or speak with a nurse about caring for a stroke victim. Could be an eye opener.

I would urge you to stay where you are living now but being supportive to DH and to MIL but I would personally think long and hard before moving to a place where I can't speak the language, have no friends or support system and no job.

Wishing you peace and grace on your journey

And here is something else to think about. Let's say his mother passes and you are still married. What will happen to you if something happens to you? Will he stand by you or will he abandon you? I don't like what I am thinking. See my other comment for this situation.

I sense that there are differences in backgrounds and culture with you and your husband. You already left your parents to go with your husband and now unless you go with him, you will lose him. I know you most likely love him and don't want your marriage to go away. However, in life, sometimes there are situations that cannot be "right" for both parties - nothing is going to work. Only you can decide what to do. I would seriously think about looking after YOU instead of worrying about him. Analyze the plus and minus factors so you know what you are dealing with. I personally think it is time for you to look around and consider doing what gives you the best options and opportunities in life and which will bring you some peace in the long run, not just for the moment. Good luck.

Maybe Australia and NZ?

[For goodness' sake...]

We do not know:

when this stroke happened
what can be expected in terms of recovery
how old the lady is
where she lives
where the OP and her DH live
who else is involved in supporting the lady's future care
what options are available
how much thought the OP's DH has given to the various options
and above all
what the lady's own preferences and plans might be.

It would not be an unusual reaction to an elderly parent's stroke for an adult child to rush to her bedside and instantly volunteer as nurse, cook, handyman, bottle washer and general factotum for the rest of her natural life. But that's not a plan. That's a first reaction to an upsetting event, and overreacting to the reaction will just add to the upset.

Deep breaths and patience are often a good move.

Instead of him moving to care for mother could mother be moved closer to the two of you so the distance would not be a factor?

You know what popped into my head as I read the short version of your post? The episode of EVeryone Love's Raymond where Marie had brought a big chocolate cake over, and Ray and his brother had forks and were pigging out on it when Marie I think called and said how they better leave that cake alone etc. And then she huffed across the street approaching the kitchen door and Ray hollered RUN! SAVE YOURSELF!
So wait a sec...she does not even live in your same town? And you're expected to uproot any semblance of your OWN life to become enslaved with caring an incontinent inlaw? Not to even mention the burden on your finances of biweekly flights? Yeah, this is definitely a lose/lose situation, but maybe not...MAYbe mom doesn't even want her son OR you as caregivers?
I'm really sorry for the position you are in...especially with the stress of knowing you are caring for mil whom you don't feel connected to nor want to care for while your own parents may be struggling back in the US.
My recent experience has colored many of my replies here of late...but if we don't take care of ourselves, nobody else is going to! I tried hard to take care of my own elder and frustrating to the nth degree parents, and still am to a reduced extent. But the end of September, healthy me just didn't feel very good out of the blue. I felt weak as well. In the end my life was turned upside down. The rescue squad got me to the hospital which sent me by helicopter to the main campus of the Cleveland Clinic where I only learned recently how I arrived close to death, and had emergency surgery for an aortic dissection. Scary thing that comes on suddenly with no warning but can brew over time with blood pressure being a contributing factor. Don't let that happen to you. I have never been married but can imagine how stressful and upsetting it would be to break apart from someone I loved enough to marry....I think you need to establish some clear boundaries and guidelines for what you can and what you want to do for this MIL, as well as your own parents who deserve equal time in a way. What is your husband willing to do for THEM? Maybe some seeking out a counselor to help mediate through this; so someone is there to advocate for you life and needs as well? Look, your number one goal is to stay alive and take care of YOU. And sometimes we know within ourselves what we need to do. Sending hugs and holding good thoughts...and don't forget this one: You know the airline warning...you put your OWN mask on first should it be needed, before helping others, because otherwise you wouldn't be able to. Wishing you all the best...I would help btw with finding local resources to help them, set up a plan for inhome assistance, hoping there are some...

Quitting a job and leaving a spouse to move in with his mother is an EXTREME reaction. Your husband has made his choice and it's not you. Men such as your husband are momma's boys. You cannot cut his apron strings for him or he will resent you. The sooner you accept that marriage isn't his priority the better. Live the life that *you* want to live whether that's in Europe or in the U.S. You cannot maintain a marriage by yourself. Sorry.

Your husband wants to do right by his mother and I appreciate that, but he doesn't really know what becoming her caregiver will involve.
You should put him onto this group because he will get a good education on what it's really like. Please show him this post. I'm making this lesson one of his caregiving education having been an in-home elder caregiver as a job for nearly 25 years and am currently one to my elderly mother. This is what he can look forward to.

His mother had a debilitating stroke that left her paralyzed, unable to communicate and incontinent. Almost always a stroke like that for an elderly person also results in dementia. To be honest it is unlikely she will even live for much longer. My elderly father had a stroke leaving him much the same condition as your MIL. Before it happened he was in remarkable health. 90 years old and still living independently, driving, golfing a full course twice a week, and still on his bowling team with guys 20 and 30 years younger who couldn't keep up with him. He had the stroke, went to a nursing home and died a few months later. He survived it, but never recovered to where he wasn't a total invalid. Your husband needs to consider this before leaving his job and uproot not just his life but yours too . Give up his home, his employment, your employment, his friends and social life, and probably his marriage to take care of his mother who will probably pass away from the stroke complications and if she doesn't right away will end up in a nursing home with professional staff, trained in invalid care because the two of you won't be able to provide the 24 hour care she needs.
This is what your husband can look forward to if he moves the two of you into mom's house.
A house that always smells like urine and feces no matter how much you clean. Feeding, bathing, changing diapers, dressing, repositioning, transferring, and more dirty laundry then you've ever seen in your life. Every single day. Seven days a week. Even holidays. Not to mention that unless her home is already handicapped accessible, bringing in contractors to tear the place up to make it so. Otherwise the only people who will be able to physically get her out of the house will be paramedics. What happens if there's an emergency like a fire and you have to get her out?
Sure, you can bring in some aide care and that will help out some, but unless mom or the two of you are rich, the amount of hours a day she will need will be very expensive.
The logical solution for you in my opinion would be to have her discharged to a nursing home /LTC facility that is near enough to you that your husband can get there daily or several times a week.

I think it is a lot to ask of you. I, like your husband, recently had to go through the difficult time of deciding how to to take care of Mom, who also went through a massive stroke and paralyzed on one side... Your husband may have gone through the same thought process that I did. The thought of taking Mom home did cross my mind. The thought of Mom dying alone was scary. I felt overwhelmed with responsibility and consumed with guilt of not being there for Mom if I wasnt trying my best. I did not expect my wife to take on the burden and preferred to handle it alone. My plan was to have Mom in the nursing facility near home and stop by frequently. Mom slowly lost cognitive function and passed away a short time after entering the facility. I was overcoming with grief and yet, sadly, relief. My advice is to not make any drastic decision and give yourself time. Things will always work out somehow.

You should not allow yourself that undeserved guilt. We all need to leave our parents and establish our own households. That is part of growing up. There may come a time when you move back to your parents, but right now your life is about you.

Giving your husband the benefit of the doubt, he may be over-reacting to the situation for emotional reasons of his own. Give it a few weeks. Support his need to go to his mother for now, but stay where YOU need to be and let him work out his own issues. Right now it seems that his views of his own duties to parents are a far cry from what he expects of you concerning your parents. It seems a bit hypocritical that he has no problem with you caring for your parents long distance but HIS mother needs around-the-clock attention. He could snap back into normal once the shock is over. He may not.

If you cannot remain in your current home on your salary alone, begin looking to downsize, but do not sign anything for a week or two. Your husband may realize that daily care of his mother is not something that he can really do. If he does not come back home within a couple of weeks you may want to think about moving back to the city where your parents live. It seems that your husband is making all the major decisions in your marriage and you only react to them. If his determination is fixed, you would be better to care for yourself first. I cannot imagine that you would find any happiness caring for your mother-in-law in a country where you would be totally isolated.

Although there are times in a marriage when family or work must take a temporary precedence over the marriage, that must always be temporary. If your husband continues to insist that his mother and her needs (or his perception of them) are more important than your marriage, he has told you all you need to know, I think.

Maya Angelou said “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” He already got you to follow him once and leave your parents behind. Now he wants you to follow him again and leave your current life behind, plus be in a place where you don’t speak the language and will have trouble building a new one. He will insist that you take your “turn” caring for his mom, and will get support from friends and family while leaving you isolated. He’s telling you loud and clear where you stand, and it isn’t next to him..it isn’t even one step below him...is that what you want from your time here?

Wouldn't do anything for a few months and see what happens.

Stay where you are and let your husband do what he needs to do and wait and see.

Have you thought about having her move in with ya'll and having a Caregiver care for her?

Prayers

Ok- a problem- but... could be short term. Maybe bear with him for a while until he can figure it out.I certainly wouldn’t rush to the thought that he loves her more than you, think of it in the terms that she is helpless and you aren’t in dire need. This is actually a good sign that he will take good care of you when the need arises. In the meantime, go see your parents. I believe all this will work itself out and you two have many more good years together. Please don’t compare his love to her and his love to you.

Been there except MIL lived in our home. She too had a massive stroke that paralyzed her right side, after already living with us for 2 years. Taking care of her forced DH to help out because it's more than one person can physically handle on their own. She could swallow but was unable to communicate except for ya or no. Daily sponge bath, new sheets,blankets, spoon feeding with a baby spoon so not too much at one time, pureed food, water via a medicine syringe so she didn't aspirate, diaper changes, swabbing mouth to clean it, exercising arms and legs multiple times a day to prevent muscle atrophy, turning as best as possible to avoid pressure sores, dealing with multiple mini strokes daily, she lasted 2 weeks in this situation before passing. I was surviving on 20 minute cat naps during this time. We did what we could do for her to make her comfortable. Your MIL could pass quickly or she could be this way for years to come. I really don't think your husband has actually thought through how much care she will need. Does she have a DNR? No feeding tube etc.? How does he plan on caring for her without assistance? We were blessed to have had her on hospice when she first moved in with us and they had taught me how to care and move her safely. Does he have any resources for information pertaining to her care? Can your MIL afford to be moved closer to your home where job can be maintained yet he can still visit her every day? This would give her the medical care she needs 24x7 and remove some of the burden from the two of you. Not an easy situation either way. He expects you to have zero financial stability because instead of losing 1 paycheck, there would be zero income. Think very hard about your decision and do what is in your best interests. Sounds like he is being reactive instead of thinking things thru and assessing what long term ramifications would be.

When did MIL have the stroke?
When do you (you plural, I mean all involved) need to have a plan in place? - that is, is she expected to be discharged to a rehab or intermediate care centre, straight home, or what, and when?

If the stroke happened within the last week, and your husband is panicking, I suggest you make no decisions of any sort but just make soothing noises along the lines of "let's wait and see." Will his employer not allow him extended compassionate leave? What country are you/is MIL in?

He made you leave your family and the country for him. Now he wants you to move again, and become devoted to caring for his mother. And you will probably be the primary caregiver; he'll be too embarrassed to bathe her or change her Depends. Does he give you anything (affection? respect? conversation? decent sex?) or just demand complete obedience and devotion? This doesn't sound like a well thought-out plan, and he doesn't sound like a great husband if he can't be bothered to ask you before he makes major changes to your lives.

Wow you are certainly going through a lot.  If you don't want to quit your job and move to another country where you don't speak the language to be a caregiver...then don't do it.  That is a lot to ask of anyone.  If the roles were reversed...would he do it for you?  I feel like he is making a knee jerk reaction to the situation.  Why doesn't he see what kind of care she is really going to need and see if she gets placed in a long term care facility first.  Then he can make decisions about moving vs. visiting.  Seriously, what if he quits his job and you move there and then she passes.  Then what?  It just seems like a drastic move with limited information.

The fact that you are voicing the question here, means that you know you should not be put in this position. It is a big ask and sounds like you won't be in a good place if you agree to go.
I feel sorry for all of you but your marriage should come first and sadly your husband isn't doing that.
Usually I would suggest making a list of pros and cons but it sounds like a fairly clear choice.
Why not let him go and see how it works for him. Maybe he will decide it is too much and too hard to be away from you?
Good luck.

Most marriage vows help the newly married couple to understand that their marriage relationship takes priority over every other relationship. The next priority relationship is with your children - until they can become independent adults, and followed by parents.

I can understand your husband's anguish with his mother having had a massive stroke and needing a lot of care. However, I don't believe he understands the amount of care his mom needs 24/7. Every 2 hours, she will need to be turned in her bed, will need to be checked for skin problems, and and need to be cleaned if she voided or had a bowel movement. If she can not swallow, she will need to be fed via a tube with a liquid nutrition. If she is awake and he intends for her to regain abilities, he will need to exercise her limbs several times a time. Of course, she will most likely need to be bathed in her bed, dressed in her bed, and linen changes done in her bed. Getting her into a recliner will require a lot of physical strength since she will most likely not be able to bear her own weight. There are devices to help with these tasks. Depending on finances and resources in country, those devices may be harder to source during a pandemic or not available at all. In short, 1 person will not be able to provide all the care she needs. If there are nursing homes in her country, that would be the best option for now.

As for the visits, he probably wants to be near her since he fears she is closer to death, With COVID, she is at greater risk of not surviving. He would hate to not see her while she is alive. You probably have similar feelings since you travel to see and care for your parents. It might be wiser for him to fly to her for an extended visit - 4-6 weeks - to make sure she is set up with all the care she needs and to "visit." He can also catch up with any family members there and arrange a visiting schedule so mom is seen by family throughout the week. Once that is arranged, he will probably feel more comfortable resuming his work/home life in the U.S.A... and making arrangements for frequent trips to see her.

I’m so sorry you are going thru this. idk if this will help or not, but I separated from my husband last year after he spent so much time sending nothing but vile, hate msgs & phone calls to me while I coped with my terminally ill father. My mom needs me now, he is in England and I’m in America...I know when the time comes for his parents he will be there for them, and expect me to also. But after all the vicious words and threats he has made I don’t think I can ever look at him the same... he has a double standard for what I do and what he does, and it sounds like your husband sadly is the same... i separated from him because I am too drained to figure out international divorce atm..
unconditional love is what should be; not double standards and cruelty. I hope whatever you decide makes you happy; you deserve that 💖

If your husband doesn't put you first, it is time to move on. No time to dilly dally. Start your next chapter of your life today.

Well your guilt for leaving your parents is yours
I feel you don’t have the same love as your husband had for his
and you feeling are not strong for him
he’s best going without you

You've got yourself a Mommy's Boy there. Sounds like you need a man.

Please get yourself therapy. You've done nothing to be guilty about. I'd bring that guilt up with the therapist early for it does bear on this issue you're dealing with a lot. Get and keep yourself on a healthy path regardless of what he does or does not do.