I hate that you are experiencing this because I know it has to be very difficult. I would not start a discussion with him because he did not consult with you prior to moving his mother in so it appears that he doesn't need your assistance. Sometimes action speaks louder than words. I would be unavailable to care for his mother, I would remain in the home and continue to live my life just as if she isn't there. If I cooked I would make sure that I prepare enough for her but he would need to fix her plate and feed her if that is required. He would also be responsible for all of her other daily care. If he asked me why I am not assisting I would tell him I thought you were hiring an aide to do all of these things because I was never consulted. I pray that this works out for you.
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Reply to Grace21

Move out. Either temporarily or for good.
You say he did this without your permission.
Did he do it for any stated reasons?
Does he intend to do the care for his mother?
That is to say, did you speak about this, or did he simply do it.
Myself, I would have emptied out a few accounts and be in a motel on day one. I figure on day 7 he would understand what he is dealing with.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

Is this going to be permanent? Is he trying to save his inheritance? My Aunt's husband brought his Mom back to their home. She had a brain tumor and bedridden. My Aunt had 3 children, the youngest a baby. He expected my Aunt to care for her. Didn't happen. He eventually had to place Mom.

Boundries now! He brought her home, he does the caregiving, toileting and all. For me, this shows no respect for you. If Moms, 87 you are in your 60s? Both are seniors. If you don't mind helping, just make sure he does most of the work. To the point you carry on as usual. If u lunch with the girls, continue to lunch with the girls. He allows Mom to sit in "it" waiting for u to come home. Nope, he needs to see to her, he wants her to live with him. Its not your mother.
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Reply to JoAnn29

That's a HUGE decision he made without involving you, don't you think? Is he aware of all the care she will require, and just who is he expecting to do that care? Surely not you I hope.

You might need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with him, and find out exactly what his plans are for her care. And make sure that he understands that you will not be sucked into helping with her care, since you didn't want her there to begin with. Sounds like you have a hot mess on your hands. There are no easy answers.

Worse case scenario, you might have to start looking for a place for you to move to. Good Luck!
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Reply to funkygrandma59
lkdrymom Aug 30, 2020
I have to agree. First a come to Jesus discussion. Then make it perfectly clear that since you were not consulted on this decision, you will not be involved in any way with her care or management.

Can you go and visit some friends for a week or two? Let him see what this is like doing it all on his own.

My father used to bring his mother up for visits (my mother was consulted first) then disappear and leave entertaining her to us. He got one heck of a shock when he was left alone with her for a weekend.
When did it happen? If just recently, how is it going? Who is doing the care? What are your relations like with your husband, and in the past with your MIL? How angry are you? Are you considering the end of your marriage (many people would)?

This sounds absolutely appalling, but please give more information if you want suggestions that might actually help.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen

That's sounds very difficult.

If he insists, then a caregiver needs to be hired, so you are not the one doing it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Lvnsm1826

My first thought was that I certainly hope your husband is crystal clear on what exact, specific type(s) of care his mom needs. Can he provide that care? Is he anticipating help from you or from others? Maybe she seemed OK while living in the controlled environment of the NH, but is really not OK to live elsewhere? I'm concerned for her safety/care and whether or not your husband is being realistic about this. I'm also concerned about your well-being since it does not sound like there was a discussion (including a mutually-agreeable solution) about this. Your husband is intending this to be permanent?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Mysteryshopper

Can you move out? Put the house on the market or other shocking reaction to demonstrate this isn’t acceptable?
Im assuming here that you have spoken to him on the subject. Does he expect you to care for her? Has he decided to be her son rather than your husband?
Was she there for rehab and had to be released?
You really need to give more informative in order to get help that pertains to your circumstances. I’m sorry this has happened and that you weren’t considered.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to 97yroldmom

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