Don't know how to help my mother anymore?


Hello all. I'm new here and have never been a part of a forum before. However, I am at my wits end. I really need some outside support. I'm 24 years old, I will be 25 this month. My mother is 56 years old. She has lived with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, obesity since I was a child. In 2011 she had a stroke and hasn't walked or driven since and is wheelchair bound. She lives alone in an apartment. My sister and I have helped her over the years with errands, groceries, appointments, etc. She was also getting in home caregivers but half of them quit and half she fired because she didn't like the way they did things. She is now being taken off the program for non compliance. She won't answer the door to the caregivers, or return her social worker's phone calls. All she wants is for someone to bring her coke a cola, candy bars and potato chips daily. She gets very angry when we do not give in. She also now has congestive heart failure, kidney disease, and urinary incontinence. She cannot clean her own apartment. The smell of urine is overpowering and she leaves garbage around and dishes to mold. She has fecal incontinence at times as well. She is at risk of eviction next time the apartment manager comes to inspect, or when pest control comes out monthly. She is already on strike 2 with the apartment complex. They said one more violation of her lease and she's done. I've suggested she go to an assisted living facility. She does not want to and will not go into a nursing home and I don't want her to but i really want what is best for her. I don't want her to die sooner than later. She won't take insulin, try to eat healthy, or do anything good for herself. I've always tried to please mom and give in to make her happy but my recent deciding to change by not giving her the cola, or junk food has been a battle. I was her baby, her best kid, the only one she thought cared about her but now I have turned on her in her eyes. Any help or insight on these issues would be so appreciated. Thank you and God bless!

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Oh my, what a deplorable situation for you to be in especially at your age. You can't and should not handle this alone . I agree with the other post that perhaps it's best if she is evicted . she will get the help that she needs she needs to be put into a nursing home and a given balanced portions of nutritious food. This is too much on your shoulders . My longtime friend had a stroke in her fifties and was allowed to return home 6 months later wheelchair-bound and horribly miserable and mean to everyone bitter bitter bitter. Finally the authorities stepped in because the visiting nurse told them about the deplorable conditions and brought her back to a nursing home she has since lost 80 pounds and has reduced her smoking to one eighth of what it was and looks clean and well cared for it's the best thing that ever happened to her. My heart goes out to you . Good luck
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I notice the Jeanne and I were writing at the same time and had much the same thoughts. I didn't ask which office your mother's social worker was with.
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Amanda, I feel so badly for you. This one is probably over your head in handling. I would contact the elder affairs office for your county and tell them about the situation with her. I hope that they will choose to make her a ward of the state and try to help her. It sounds like your mother is on the fast track to causing her own death. I know it is not what you want, but I also know that you probably don't have the personal power to prevent it. She needs professional help if there is going to be any chance. Out of control blood sugar can cause crazy behaviors. Vascular problems can cause dementia. Check your county's Human Services or Human Resources and find out what is available for your mother. Please let us know if you are able to find some help with her.
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Oh you poor thing! Should you be mommie's best child, or do what is best for your mother? What a hideous spot to be in.

Maybe Mom getting evicted would be a good thing. She will have to go somewhere else, and perhaps that is a way to get her into a suitable care center.

Helping your mom with errands, appointments, shopping, etc. is a fine daughterly act. Helping her to commit suicide is beyond what should be expected of you. If she chooses to be non-compliant, that is her right as an adult. To expect her children to conspire with her is just plain wrong.

She won't return the social worker's calls. You call the social worker. The SW may not be able to talk to you about your mother, but she can listen to you. Explain about the likelihood of eviction and how you hope there can be some intervention to get her into a care center at that time.

I genuinely feel sorry for your mother. What a nasty hand she's been dealt. If she wants to end it all in a blaze of Snickers bars, so be it. But you need to follow your own conscious.

(BTW when I talked to the social worker trying to help one of my relatives she did not reveal anything about that relative. But she was able to talk in generalities, such as "Often people in that situation feel frightened and do better when they are repeatedly reassured." Maybe your mom's social worker can find ways to communicate with you without violating your mother's privacy.

If talking to the social worker does not seem to be sufficient, I think I would contact APS. Explain that your mother is a vulnerable adult by virtue of her many medical problems, that you are afraid she is soon going to be evicted, and that there is nothing she will let you do to help her. They may not be able to do anything, either, but at least you will know you tried.

Welcome to this forum. Most people here genuinely try to be helpful. Once in a while there appears a crabby person who seems to just want to be judgmental. I hope that won't happen for you, but take the suggestions and insights that seem to make sense in your situation, and shrug off the rest.
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