How to handle a sibling who doesn't like Mom's memory care facility?


After months of research and tours we selected a very fine memory care dedicated facility for my mother who had been living with me and my husband for the past year and a half with escalating Alzheimer's. One of my brothers, who has always been difficult, came to visit her for a weekend. He did not follow any of my requests in terms of keeping his visits short, not taking her offsite, etc (she hasn't been there very long and we are trying to get her acclimated to the facility). Two days after his visit he emailed me letting me know how disgusted he was with the place and had visited several facilities near him and thinks we should move her 300 miles away to be near him. I have POA and am the trustee. I discussed all of his issues with the facility and they were able to address and explain the facts of each "complaint" to my satisfaction. My brother is speaking negatively to my mother about the facility now and she is becoming unhappy and agitated after her calls with him. I'm worried he will try and somehow take over and move her (though I know he most likely cannot) or at the very least continue to agitate our mother. I'm trying to keep the conversations respectful and transparent but I may have to cutoff his contact with her. Does anyone have advice on how to deal with a difficult sibling who is SURE her facility is not up to par?? Thanks!

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He may not be able to legally move her, but he sure can stir up bad feelings. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, and sorry for poor Mom.

Is there any non-family member he respects who might talk to him? Since he doesn't live in the immediate area that may be hard to find, but an old family friend he has known from childhood? A religious leader? His old Scout troop leader? It is possible he'd be more receptive listening to someone other than you.

Continue with reasoning, explaining, persuading. And if she continues to disturb your mother, pull rank. You have POA. You were chosen by Mom to make decisions for her. She is NOT moving and for him to keep talking about it to her is bad for her health.
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What is it with sons and mothers? They cling like permanent Velcro. Of course your mother will escalate, she picks up on his anxiety and plays him like a fiddle. Soon she will be fabricating stories of mistreatment just to get a rise out of him. Do NOT move her close to him, the situation will get notably worse as they play off of one another. We had a similar problem, in fact our brother was so distraught he lost 35 lbs when mom moved to assisted living. Honest.
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