How do we describe to non caregiving family members what it's like giving up one's life, friends, dreams for Mom/dad...my life compare it to a 1week vacation over 20 yrs?
Hello dear, It is really sad when children do not recognise or acknowledge the love, affection and caring that their parents gave them. However, that is how life sometimes is. You have sacrificed a lot and believe me, you will reap that reward of caring for your parents. Just try to work out some time for yourself, perhaps after they fall asleep and read a good book or just catch up with your emails or the internet. Take heart that you are the lucky one, for having a caring and loving nature. Believe me, you will see the blessings someday. Do not bother with your siblings, they have a conscience of their own and if they cannot find it in their heart to do right by their parents, hey, they have to deal with it. You should be proud of yourself, I sure am. Congratulations on being a good person, especially, nowadays when everyone is so self-centred. Take care and God bless you.
My brother is clueless. My mother is the cause. I have a daughter, but my question is "Do woman raise their sons differently from daughters?" My mom did and she is reaping the negative benefits!!!!! Do they program them this way or is it just the way they are? I know very few men who have close family ties once they get married. It is almost as if they divorce their parents!!!! I am very perplexed. Linda
Dear Mege, I'm afraid there is no way for you to describe your life and the limits in happy freedom with places to go and things to do with friends, to the non caregivers around you. If they cared, they would already know by asking and helping. I learned long ago that compassion is something only a few of us are born with. Early on, I thought we were the lucky ones to have the good and loving hearts while the others just watched from a distance and often didn't watch at all, just being wrapped up in their own lives. It won't change no matter how much you want to cry for help from them. They are, who they are, and nothing will change them. You must find the help you need from all medical sources for daily care and respit care to keep yourself in a possitive and confident mode for your parents and yourself. You CAN do it! Many of us have. You can too, if even just a little. Good luck. Sooz
Bless your heart. Its like so many people have already responded: you are in a sense all alone. Everybody has advice but they don't want to jump in and help you. Unfortunately, caregivers like yourself, are suffering from long-term stress. And that puts you in a much higher risk for many illnesses, even potentially passing before the person you are caring for! Forget understanding...get help.
Hi, unfortunately there is no way. If they knew they would help whether monetary by letting you hire some help so you could get a break or calling their parent, or sending money for food or something useful. Listening to you when you need a ear and a sholder, my experience is and I was told by one sibling you brought them there you deal with it. I will send you money from time to time (that was four years ago but nothing as of yet) had to call them to tell them if they wanted to see their father one more time before he died now was the time they came he died three weeks later. no help with burial, I paid for their flowers, now I take care of my mother it will be a lot different this time they have the number haven't heard from my brother since we buried my father May was 2 years They will be told when she is in hospital and thats that. what they do is their decision. So you see unless they are really concerned about their parent they won't do anything that disrupts their life. So honey save your breathe, no its not fair but thats okay you can have a clear conscience, can they? Now I can't even talk to my sister about anything so I haven't for the last 3 weeks sure she is wondering why I am so quiet when she does email me something stupid and asks whats new I usually say nothing new here. Have a nice day!
You could enroll them in this newletter but they would only participate if they were interested. Most are only interested in what will be theirs when the parent passes. Sorry but that is the way it is for most of us. I hope it is different for some of you. Have a good one
One sister (of three) sisters I actually was able to guilt into crossing the line to be of a helpful nature. Occasionally an afternoon or evening she'll momsit, perhaps a few days in the future she'll come down. She'll clean the counters, wash the floor and really reach out to Mom. Her emails are full of real concern.
The other two, when I challenged them to pay back the money they stole and stop the passive aggressive bullshit behavior (being 3 hours late constantly, but showing up with mylar balloon that sings opera when you bump it and a 2' high greeting card)...they got back at me by going to the public guardian (who was there only because of their thefts!) to have me removed.
The showdown meeting with the PG was ludicrous, but somewhat gratifying. It went from "they have the right to visit and call their mother." yes they do but they don't. Susan's calls every four months last about 30 seconds. "Well, she has the right to call her mother...and just say HI." What it came down to is that sons and daughters have the legal RIGHT to be deadbeats and the dutiful caregiver has the RIGHT to GIFT their services to the parent.
For me it was a good meeting, cause the PG got to see them in action, hear a lot of stories about them, and she put them both on a short leash. I don't have to be the only one outraged by their behavior. And I have the right to get mad about their behavior about how they treat ME and not get mad for how they treat their mother. It was actually liberating. It didn't get me anything, but it took a load off my shoulders.
Been there done that too-after 6 years asked brother for help-his answer was to take over the financials-nothing hands on-which now after their death - I have nothing of theirs-he has it all - yes I got my share of the money-very little-but everything else from the house to the furniture to the knick knacks that were mine he has/I have 1/2 ownership of the house but his daughter lives there/I have the memories and knowledge I did all I could but he has everything else-
Give up. Tried that last night. All I got was, "but I am so busy"! They have no idea. Can't you get help? State sponsored respite care programs are there for you. Call your hospital and ask for Senior Services. They can be a big help.. Ask the DR. to help you get in contact with services. Don't do this alone.
It is really sad when children do not recognise or acknowledge the love, affection and caring that their parents gave them. However, that is how life sometimes is. You have sacrificed a lot and believe me, you will reap that reward of caring for your parents. Just try to work out some time for yourself, perhaps after they fall asleep and read a good book or just catch up with your emails or the internet. Take heart that you are the lucky one, for having a caring and loving nature. Believe me, you will see the blessings someday. Do not bother with your siblings, they have a conscience of their own and if they cannot find it in their heart to do right by their parents, hey, they have to deal with it. You should be proud of yourself, I sure am. Congratulations on being a good person, especially, nowadays when everyone is so self-centred.
Take care and God bless you.
Linda
yours, Donahue Vanderhider, MSG
Gerontologist
You could enroll them in this newletter but they would only participate if they were interested. Most are only interested in what will be theirs when the parent passes. Sorry but that is the way it is for most of us. I hope it is different for some of you. Have a good one
The other two, when I challenged them to pay back the money they stole and stop the passive aggressive bullshit behavior (being 3 hours late constantly, but showing up with mylar balloon that sings opera when you bump it and a 2' high greeting card)...they got back at me by going to the public guardian (who was there only because of their thefts!) to have me removed.
The showdown meeting with the PG was ludicrous, but somewhat gratifying. It went from "they have the right to visit and call their mother." yes they do but they don't. Susan's calls every four months last about 30 seconds. "Well, she has the right to call her mother...and just say HI." What it came down to is that sons and daughters have the legal RIGHT to be deadbeats and the dutiful caregiver has the RIGHT to GIFT their services to the parent.
For me it was a good meeting, cause the PG got to see them in action, hear a lot of stories about them, and she put them both on a short leash. I don't have to be the only one outraged by their behavior. And I have the right to get mad about their behavior about how they treat ME and not get mad for how they treat their mother. It was actually liberating. It didn't get me anything, but it took a load off my shoulders.
Give up. Tried that last night. All I got was, "but I am so busy"! They have no idea. Can't you get help? State sponsored respite care programs are there for you. Call your hospital and ask for Senior Services. They can be a big help.. Ask the DR. to help you get in contact with services. Don't do this alone.