How do I describe to non-caregiving family members what it's like to give up my life for my parent's care?

I can too well relate to all of the above. My mom is 97 and I have been her primary caregiver for 24 years. My brother and sister, although retired, do basically nothing but try to give me advice. I think 1 key is to look for your support elsewhere and you might find it in surprising places. If you are like me, you have a strong feeling of "should" when it comes to your siblings. If you can focus on others (even paid) who do help and minimize resentment toward your siblings, it helps. (I know, easier said than done.) Compassion is an interesting ability and give yourself credit for having it. In many ways give yourself credit because you are now part of my "well respected" others when my brother and sister are not!

There is something that says " a son is a son until he marries and a daughter is a daughter all of your life." Pretty dang sad but seems to be the norm.

Please just accept your siblings as they are...you are only hurting yourself to be bothered by them. they are the losers. Get some kind of help, so you can have time away. You have to take care of yourself first to be an effective and healthy caregiver.

Best wishes!

I gave up with the idea of my sis and bro understanding what my life was like. Why? Because they don't care. I, too, got the "you have a place in heaven" type BS from them. But I also was the one dad asked, why does your brother only come to visit when I'm in the hospital? I told him I wish I had an answer. "Have you talked to your sister lately?" Nope. When my dad took the opportunity 5 days before he died to say his goodbyes to each of us, it wasn't them he thanked, it wasn't them that he told that he didn't know what he would have done without them. No, for sis it was have a good life. For bro it was I wish we could have talked more. Dad thanked me all the time. I would always say no thanks was needed, I was happy I was able to do it. He had always been there for his family. Sis and bro maintain some stories about how mean dad could be. Guess they must have learned that from them. Wonder if they feel good now after "punishing" him for his meaness by ignoring him, by walking away from him when he needed his family most. I'll never know because I don't plan to continue any sort of relationship with either of them. I pretended while dad was alive so as not to upset him but I don't have to pretend anymore. I know dad is in a place where he now sees the reality of the situation. As much as I gave up to care for my dad, I gained so much from the experience - having my dad become my best friend, so many memories. They got 1/3 of his estate. They have to live with themselves and their decisions.

Dear mege27,
I don't have the perfect answer to your question and I don't know if anybody else has one either. Unless one is in the trenches 24/7, even for one week, they will never, never understand what you/us are going thru and how it affects every part of our lives. Is it possible to ask one of your siblings to take over for you for one or two weeks while YOU go on a vacation? I know that this will take care and compassion on their part and they just may not have it or it might "disrupt their schedule", but gosh, hasn't your life schedule been more than disruptive? Your life has been put on an indefinate HOLD. Are they logical and competant enough to understand that YOU need a break? Nobody could be that stupid. But many can be just mean, uncaring, uncompassionte, and selfish. And ask if they really love Mom and Dad, please spend a week or two with them? If they say they cannot because of work, wel,l can you ask them when their vacation schedule comes up to do it then? Is it possible to have a sit down with them and explain how you feel and what you are going thru? Nobody is that stupid or illogical that they are unable to understand; unless they are so uncaring and selfish that they do not want to understand. I don' know about this, maybe trying to put the guilt trip on them, tell them something to wake them up--something spectacular--even if its not all true, but you've got to find a way to make them WAKE UP. A good kick in the butt while sleeping will wake any body up. I don't mean to kick them while they're awake, or really sleeping, but just used that phrase as an idiom.
My heart and prayers will be for you mege.......

I love donahueg's statement: "Forget understanding...get help."

You can't count on your siblings, whether you could make them understand what you do or not. So find other ways to take back and least a portion of your life.

It is a silent hell. You feel as though you will lose your mind. You love your parents but this they really do not know what you are giving up...they do, but yet they don't because they either did it or have been raised to believe you should care for your parents. Your siblings feel guilty if they love your parents, but that guilt cannot compare to your heartache and madness you feel. Hate and weight loss is what I experienced. Hate is an awful thing. Good days and bad days but nothing can compare to your freedom--a freedom you never realized you had until this happened. I get it.

Mom lives between two of my siblings. I, along with a caregiver, take care of
her needs during the week. I have told them I am not giving up my weekends too. So, I just don't go over there. They take care of her on weekends or she is alone.
Harsh? Maybe. But, it forces them to help. As long as you do it for them, they won't help.

This was a good question, unfortunately something we also are
and had to deal with, the other siblings, who thought they were
doing all the care giving.

Because they had the POA of everything,
they decided to sell her house (a two flat) against her will
they stuck her into a nursing home, and
after recuing her from that nursing home,
she was returned to us, anyway.

In the apartment and not in our old neighborhood,
so (when the always and continuing now nonhelping siblings) all they managed to do was; take away our support system we had developed with our long-term (mother and son's) neighbors of 45+ years.

We are getting to the point where our 86 tear old is very needy
and it is very exhausting.
Is this my towel, is this my bed, what pajamas do I wear.
Combing the hair is a light swish in the front only,
as long as the mirroe says her hair looks combed,
but really isn't that is good enough.

Fortunately and unfortunately, she goes to a daycare,
so everything must be done OK or she will go back
into a nursing home, we feel there can be no bad or
down days in her care, as she will be whisked away
against her will.

She has a guardian appointed by the court, who charges150 dollars an hr.
to take her to the doctor and have a meeting with us was four hours,
at the tune of $600.00, we take her for free.
That six hundred dollars comes from the ($400,000.) sale of her home.
The guardian gets paid.
The guardian et litem gets paid
The lawyers get paid.
The daycare gets paid.
and we,
we get zip.

I am not family
and was not even asked,
if I wanted to do the caregiving for free,
I was told in a court document,
I was doing it for free.

After caregiving in an emergency mode as her upstairs neighbor, from (2006-2011) because her children and his other siblings refused to acknowlege or find alternative solutions, I was the caregiver.

2011-2012, Failed attempts at assisted living and other siblings, her children, who thought there was nothing to care giving left her at 95 lbs.

2012 -Now we are one year into court supervised caregiving,
she is doing wonderfully, weight is back to normal,
eating and doing well.

We have entered the defiant angry stage
of alzheimers, where combing her hair for her,
signals to our 86 yearold, that she is getting beaten.

and I say, I AM NOT GOING TO JAIL
for a false allegation, and
there was my line -drawn in the sand,
whether i wanted it to be or not.

I am graduating on Monday,
have student loans to pay off,
am 56 years old/disability
and at our last meeting with her
the guardian says to me, what are you going to do now?
And I said, get paid for caregiving.
The guardian then said, that amounts to XPLOITATION OF A SENIOR.
after giving it some thought, what was the six hundred dollars,
she just got paid for taking our 86 year old to meet her other doctor
and having a meeting with us?
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

i think other family members fully understand your sacrifices theyre just happy your doing it instead of themselves. furthermore since youre getting all the " credit " they figure you can do all the work. i would ask for their help as often as possible just to add to their guilt. yes we can cause people emotional grief too if thats the game they want to play. ( lol amateurs )

Honestly I don't really know because when it came to my mother (before she passed) I had help from my Grandmother then my siblings stepped in to help. Now as for my Grandmother I'm not really getting any help with her so basically I'm in the same boat as you are. Probably the best thing you could do is continue taking good care of her or just walk away and let them figure it out on their own. I'm about ready to do that with my Grandma for awhile just to get her family to step up. Sorry I wished I could help more.