How to explain to your spouse how important your loved one with dementia is to you?

He presumable knows how much you visited her and showed other forms of caring before she became ill, so he knows how much you love her - you don't love her anymore now that she is ill. If you didn't see a lot of her and wouldn't have moved her to be near you before, then I don't see why your husband should be expected to take a change in his life on board. It sounds as though you want to do more now than you were doing before - is there an element of guilt in this??

I see both sides here, actually. You'll have enough on your plate when mom moves close by without having Auntie moving close by as well. However, if you are the only POA acting on behalf of your Aunt as it is now, then what's the difference if she moves closer? You're IT anyway, if that's the case.

In my mother's ALF, they would never send her to the hospital w/o calling me first. I have to give the ok for them to call an ambulance unless it's a life or death situation, obviously. A red face does not constitute a life or death situation, so I can see where you'd be annoyed at such an over-reaction. If you can get a few things straightened out over the phone with the ALF, perhaps you can keep your Aunt where she is and keep everybody happy.

If not and you move her closer to you, then you'd need to sit down with DH and make up a list of rules. You will visit X amount of days per week or month, X amount of phone time will be spent, etc. What he's seeing is you spending 24/7 with them and leaving 0 time for him. Not to mention, does your Aunt WANT to move? I like the suggestion of asking her if she'd like to move with your mom to the retirement village, if such a thing is possible and/or feasible.

I don't think it's a matter of 'choosing between your husband and your loved ones in care' but a matter of coming up with a PLAN of how to handle the care which obviously falls to you no matter WHAT. Sit down with DH and talk it out and reach a mutually agreeable solution.

Good luck. It's a lot to deal with, I know. Wishing you all the best!

Why does your Aunt being sent to the hospital solidify your decision to move her to Montana? It seems like a bit of an extreme response.

If she was at an AL in your home town in Montana, what do you think would have happened differently? The AL called and the same scenario played out? Or the AL called, you dropped everything, drove down there, talked to the nurses, Aunt stayed put, next shift came on, her face was still red and she was sent to the hospital, but in this scenario, you are call and told to meet her there.

There are a great many people who do not have family close by and live in AL.

I know I for one would not agree to moving 1000 miles give or take to a very different community, different weather, terrain etc, especially if I was receiving care where I was.

Moving her from CA to Montana? Hmmm.....A lot is involved. I'd really consider what that entails. With your aunt having vision issues and dementia....I'd explore Memory Care or a higher level of care than AL. As she progresses, she'll likely need more help and then eventually total care.

I'd be realistic about caring for two seniors, one who has dementia. As the only available family member, it will fall onto you. Even if she is in a long term care facility, a lot is involved in the care and oversight. Often, multiple trips to the ER in the middle of the night, decisions about medication, meetings to discuss progression and other issues, financial matters, etc. The stress and responsibility can swallow you up. I'd try to be realistic about it. I suspect your DH knows this and that's why he is apprehensive. I've assumed that role for a family member, a cousin, who is more like an aunt to me and I am terrified that I would have to do it again. It truly changes your life.

Yikes. It sounds as though your husband has visions of you jumping on a care taking treadmill and never getting off it again.

Suppose Aunt had been in a facility near you. What would you have done differently that would not have taken MORE of your time than these phone calls did? Would you have been confident diagnosing rosacea (is this a chronic problem for her, by the way?)?

Your mother's moving nearby. You're deeply involved in aunt's care. Moving her closer to you would make you no less deeply involved, only doing more hands-on work.

What are you doing about boundaries? - because your husband is important to you too, and so should you be important to yourself. It's loving and reasonable and manageable to give time to people you care about whether or not they are formally your responsibility, but where's the limit? I can see what's worrying him.

Your husband is concerned about the amount of time that you would be spending with her. You have your mom to care for also.

Does your aunt even want to move? California versus Montana? Big switch. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! She hasn’t asked to move near you.

Your aunt's needs are only going to increase. Your mother's needs are only going to increase. Your husband sees that. It does not mean that he thinks your aunt is unimportant. He's being realistic and not letting emotions take control over a life-changing decision.

Ask your mother if she wants your aunt to move in with her at the retirement village.

The assisted living acted in the right manner. My brother recently was transported in with a nosebleed I could have handled, but I am half a state away. They have to act in a responsible manner and they did.
You say she is to move closer. In what manner? Into a nearby assisted living? Have you sat with your husband who is likely now terrified you intend to move an elder (any elder, no matter how loved) into your house? Can you reassure him that you intention is to find housing for her in Assisted living, and would he help you look at some options?
I think you are in a place where you need first to get together a good plan:
Visit your aunt first of all. See what her assets are; see if she would wish to move to an assisted living nearer to you, if that can be easily arranged (nothing is easy in these moves, trust me). Are you her POA. Would you want to be? for Health care and financial. After you see what her wishes are return to your husband.
Reassure him that your Aunt will NEVER be moving into your household. Tell him your plans. Ask his input. This is not something to do without discussion, thinking, planning, and taking time to do it.
And be assured, the assisted living did the right thing.

Hmm, positive feedback? Not sure what you mean by that.
AL's without a continuum of care have no choice but to send them to ER. My dad went like 4 times in the short time he was at AL.
Are you her responsible party? I'm assuming so because they called you? It would be rough to oversee her care from a distance. If she has a lot of friends and connections where she is, moving her may not be a good idea. But we all know that most of the time as someone ages, friends fall away. If you are not her responsible party, trying to move her would and should be impossible.
Try not to blame your husband for being extremely wary of the situation. If your mother is moving that close to you, your time is already being parceled and he knows it.
Would moving her be better for you? or her? What about your commitment to your happy home and your partner? I urge you to talk to your husband and learn about his resistance, don't guess. Taking care of people is hard in so many ways. Having a supportive partner makes all the difference. But not everyone wants to go there. (We couldn't move my mom to my brother's area because his wife just couldn't handle the prospect of her life changing too much.)best wishes

It seems to me that you are going to have to pick. Husband or aunt.

he is certainly right to believe that he should be the most important person in your life.

if you spend some time reading here, you will learn that these situations (meaning with family member moving to be close) usually end with the time demand escalating to the point of a second full time job. I suspect your husband knows this already.

if you bring your aunt to you against your husbands wishes, you will demonstrate to him where he is on your scale of importance....think hard about this. Are you OK with doing irreparable harm to your marriage?

I imagine that your husband is already concerned about your mother moving near you, and the time you will be spending doting on her. I can understand his viewpoint, as time goes by she will need more of your time. The same thing will happen with your aunt, until there is nothing left for him.

This is a common story here and in some cases actually leads to divorce.

Where are your aunt's children?

From point forward most likely your happy home will no longer exist. I am one of those who feel that your husband and children come first everyone else drops behind them.

Just my thoughts, good luck!

A lot of ALs might claim they have a doctor on staff but that might mean only once every month or even less, that's why transport to hospital can be the norm for everything beyond the RN's normal purview.
If the move means you would have better oversight and spend less mental energy worrying then that is a plus, but I imagine your husband fears the opposite would happen because removing her from her familiar place and friends will make you her sole support. Are you sure this is in her best interests?

Your husband is obviously not on- board with your decision to take on some responsibility for the care of your aunt and your mother. This could become a serious problem and a true detriment to your marriage, even if you have a wonderful relationship with him and have been married for a long time. Have you put yourself in his position? How would you feel?

Are you a good enough manager of your time to take on these added responsibilities for these ladies and not cause your husband to feel neglected? Does your husband still work or have hobbies that will give him something to occupy his time?

Just as an aside, her facility sent my mother to the ER for what I thought was no good reason a few times as well. It’s just their rules. They need to make sure all is well with their residents to cover their own behinds, so to speak.

You have some serious thinking to do and some choices to make. You are going into this knowing your husband doesn’t approve. Can you deal with the consequences of him possibly walking out if he feels you’ve put your loyalties elsewhere?