How to explain to your spouse how important your loved one with dementia is to you?

Your husband is obviously not on- board with your decision to take on some responsibility for the care of your aunt and your mother. This could become a serious problem and a true detriment to your marriage, even if you have a wonderful relationship with him and have been married for a long time. Have you put yourself in his position? How would you feel?

Are you a good enough manager of your time to take on these added responsibilities for these ladies and not cause your husband to feel neglected? Does your husband still work or have hobbies that will give him something to occupy his time?

Just as an aside, her facility sent my mother to the ER for what I thought was no good reason a few times as well. It’s just their rules. They need to make sure all is well with their residents to cover their own behinds, so to speak.

You have some serious thinking to do and some choices to make. You are going into this knowing your husband doesn’t approve. Can you deal with the consequences of him possibly walking out if he feels you’ve put your loyalties elsewhere?

A lot of ALs might claim they have a doctor on staff but that might mean only once every month or even less, that's why transport to hospital can be the norm for everything beyond the RN's normal purview.
If the move means you would have better oversight and spend less mental energy worrying then that is a plus, but I imagine your husband fears the opposite would happen because removing her from her familiar place and friends will make you her sole support. Are you sure this is in her best interests?

I imagine that your husband is already concerned about your mother moving near you, and the time you will be spending doting on her. I can understand his viewpoint, as time goes by she will need more of your time. The same thing will happen with your aunt, until there is nothing left for him.

This is a common story here and in some cases actually leads to divorce.

Where are your aunt's children?

From point forward most likely your happy home will no longer exist. I am one of those who feel that your husband and children come first everyone else drops behind them.

Just my thoughts, good luck!

It seems to me that you are going to have to pick. Husband or aunt.

he is certainly right to believe that he should be the most important person in your life.

if you spend some time reading here, you will learn that these situations (meaning with family member moving to be close) usually end with the time demand escalating to the point of a second full time job. I suspect your husband knows this already.

if you bring your aunt to you against your husbands wishes, you will demonstrate to him where he is on your scale of importance....think hard about this. Are you OK with doing irreparable harm to your marriage?

Hmm, positive feedback? Not sure what you mean by that.
AL's without a continuum of care have no choice but to send them to ER. My dad went like 4 times in the short time he was at AL.
Are you her responsible party? I'm assuming so because they called you? It would be rough to oversee her care from a distance. If she has a lot of friends and connections where she is, moving her may not be a good idea. But we all know that most of the time as someone ages, friends fall away. If you are not her responsible party, trying to move her would and should be impossible.
Try not to blame your husband for being extremely wary of the situation. If your mother is moving that close to you, your time is already being parceled and he knows it.
Would moving her be better for you? or her? What about your commitment to your happy home and your partner? I urge you to talk to your husband and learn about his resistance, don't guess. Taking care of people is hard in so many ways. Having a supportive partner makes all the difference. But not everyone wants to go there. (We couldn't move my mom to my brother's area because his wife just couldn't handle the prospect of her life changing too much.)best wishes

The assisted living acted in the right manner. My brother recently was transported in with a nosebleed I could have handled, but I am half a state away. They have to act in a responsible manner and they did.
You say she is to move closer. In what manner? Into a nearby assisted living? Have you sat with your husband who is likely now terrified you intend to move an elder (any elder, no matter how loved) into your house? Can you reassure him that you intention is to find housing for her in Assisted living, and would he help you look at some options?
I think you are in a place where you need first to get together a good plan:
Visit your aunt first of all. See what her assets are; see if she would wish to move to an assisted living nearer to you, if that can be easily arranged (nothing is easy in these moves, trust me). Are you her POA. Would you want to be? for Health care and financial. After you see what her wishes are return to your husband.
Reassure him that your Aunt will NEVER be moving into your household. Tell him your plans. Ask his input. This is not something to do without discussion, thinking, planning, and taking time to do it.
And be assured, the assisted living did the right thing.

Your aunt's needs are only going to increase. Your mother's needs are only going to increase. Your husband sees that. It does not mean that he thinks your aunt is unimportant. He's being realistic and not letting emotions take control over a life-changing decision.

Ask your mother if she wants your aunt to move in with her at the retirement village.

Your husband is concerned about the amount of time that you would be spending with her. You have your mom to care for also.

Does your aunt even want to move? California versus Montana? Big switch. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! She hasn’t asked to move near you.

Yikes. It sounds as though your husband has visions of you jumping on a care taking treadmill and never getting off it again.

Suppose Aunt had been in a facility near you. What would you have done differently that would not have taken MORE of your time than these phone calls did? Would you have been confident diagnosing rosacea (is this a chronic problem for her, by the way?)?

Your mother's moving nearby. You're deeply involved in aunt's care. Moving her closer to you would make you no less deeply involved, only doing more hands-on work.

What are you doing about boundaries? - because your husband is important to you too, and so should you be important to yourself. It's loving and reasonable and manageable to give time to people you care about whether or not they are formally your responsibility, but where's the limit? I can see what's worrying him.

Moving her from CA to Montana? Hmmm.....A lot is involved. I'd really consider what that entails. With your aunt having vision issues and dementia....I'd explore Memory Care or a higher level of care than AL. As she progresses, she'll likely need more help and then eventually total care.

I'd be realistic about caring for two seniors, one who has dementia. As the only available family member, it will fall onto you. Even if she is in a long term care facility, a lot is involved in the care and oversight. Often, multiple trips to the ER in the middle of the night, decisions about medication, meetings to discuss progression and other issues, financial matters, etc. The stress and responsibility can swallow you up. I'd try to be realistic about it. I suspect your DH knows this and that's why he is apprehensive. I've assumed that role for a family member, a cousin, who is more like an aunt to me and I am terrified that I would have to do it again. It truly changes your life.

Why does your Aunt being sent to the hospital solidify your decision to move her to Montana? It seems like a bit of an extreme response.

If she was at an AL in your home town in Montana, what do you think would have happened differently? The AL called and the same scenario played out? Or the AL called, you dropped everything, drove down there, talked to the nurses, Aunt stayed put, next shift came on, her face was still red and she was sent to the hospital, but in this scenario, you are call and told to meet her there.

There are a great many people who do not have family close by and live in AL.

I know I for one would not agree to moving 1000 miles give or take to a very different community, different weather, terrain etc, especially if I was receiving care where I was.

I see both sides here, actually. You'll have enough on your plate when mom moves close by without having Auntie moving close by as well. However, if you are the only POA acting on behalf of your Aunt as it is now, then what's the difference if she moves closer? You're IT anyway, if that's the case.

In my mother's ALF, they would never send her to the hospital w/o calling me first. I have to give the ok for them to call an ambulance unless it's a life or death situation, obviously. A red face does not constitute a life or death situation, so I can see where you'd be annoyed at such an over-reaction. If you can get a few things straightened out over the phone with the ALF, perhaps you can keep your Aunt where she is and keep everybody happy.

If not and you move her closer to you, then you'd need to sit down with DH and make up a list of rules. You will visit X amount of days per week or month, X amount of phone time will be spent, etc. What he's seeing is you spending 24/7 with them and leaving 0 time for him. Not to mention, does your Aunt WANT to move? I like the suggestion of asking her if she'd like to move with your mom to the retirement village, if such a thing is possible and/or feasible.

I don't think it's a matter of 'choosing between your husband and your loved ones in care' but a matter of coming up with a PLAN of how to handle the care which obviously falls to you no matter WHAT. Sit down with DH and talk it out and reach a mutually agreeable solution.

Good luck. It's a lot to deal with, I know. Wishing you all the best!

He presumable knows how much you visited her and showed other forms of caring before she became ill, so he knows how much you love her - you don't love her anymore now that she is ill. If you didn't see a lot of her and wouldn't have moved her to be near you before, then I don't see why your husband should be expected to take a change in his life on board. It sounds as though you want to do more now than you were doing before - is there an element of guilt in this??

Sometimes men are just not reasonable.

When my parents married, my mother moved into my father's household which included his father and adult sister. Mom cleaned up after her FIL and SIL, and cooked and sewed for them while my father continued to support them for 4 years. Fast forward 40 years and my grandmother needed help with household chores and taking a bath. My mother spent most of the day Tuesday (when Dad was at work) and 3 hours or so on Saturday (when Dad is spending time on his hobbies, including occasionally being out of town). Mom's efforts helping my grandmother took absolutely _nothing_ from my father. Yet he vehemently objected. Early in their marriage, Dad told my mother when she married and took his name she was no longer related to "her" family and she needed to stop visiting them weekly. Dad had paranoid personality disorder, his mother died of cancer when he was 22 just a few months before he married my mother. Dad could share her with his children but he didn't want to share her in any manner with anyone else. She was his emotional lifeline. My mother made every effort to minimize the impact to my father of her care giving for her parents, but she still went and she still provided their care and Dad still fussed about it.

You have already accepted responsibility for your aunt. Moving her closer will make over seeing her care in LTC easier. You may need to accept your husband may always fear your devotion to your mother and aunt threatens your devotion to him. You may need to be able to let him fuss without responding with rancor. But you still need to be yourself too.

It sounds to me that your aunt is being well cared for. I know you have mentioned before that she has good support from her church and her friends. She’s not going to appreciate the move. Pace yourself.
Make your spouse your partner in these endeavors. It’s his life too.

Not sure if you had the phrase "for better of for worse" in your marriage vows, but if so, this would be when I reminded your husband of this and even if that phrase wasn't in your vows, I'd still remind your husband that he is taking you for better or for worse, just as you have gracefully kept him when things weren't so hunky dory at times having to put up with his a$$!
Your aunt is lucky to have you and you are a blessing to her, I am sure.

@xrayjodib, the fact that your dh is a "reasonable man" is the best argument for taking his resistance to this idea seriously.

I am on the other side of this situation. My parents are both gone. They passed at young ages. I love my husband dearly. On that note... MIL has never liked me. She met me once for an hour. She didnt speak to my husband or his children for 5 yrs because of me.. Fast forward now Im her full time care giver for the last 3 yrs. She has dementia and a few other health issues. I gave up my career of 18 yrs to be with her so he didn't have to move her from her home.. I do this because I love him! I also do not get to spend much time with our 10 grandchildren. It was my choice. So hopefully your husband can find it in his heart to let you do what you feel is right for your family. Good luck.

Thank you all for your responses.
Very diverse and much appreciated. I had an epiphany this evening. I shared it with my hubby. I think he understands.
It occurred to me that my Aunt has been the the strong one of her family for years. It's been over the last 5 years that her dementia has become apparent. My Uncle, God bless him, was ill and simply couldn't deal with their abusive , mentally ill son along with my Aunts dementia. So he gave up!
Over the last 15 plus years my Aunt and Uncle were basically held hostage by their own son.
Not anymore!!
If I move her closer to me, I could do things for her that I'm sure she hasn't had in many years! Birthday celebrations, wonderful Christmasses, and much more.
Maybe make the last years of her life better than the last decade.
The move maybe tough, but I think overall it would be worth it!
She deserves it!

Sounds like your mind is made up. You will choose your aunt and mother at the expense of your husband. No other way to put it.

So if the OP doesn't agree with your point of view or take the action you recommend, it's okay to bash her? Neither appropriate nor supportive! Even when someone asks for advice, he/she has the right to take it or leave it for his/her life. Her life, her choice.

Is there any way you could move your aunt to the same facility as your mother, ideally one with continuum of care? Even if it takes a few months to organise? A visit to both of them won’t be double the time you are currently committed to visiting mother (and few people don’t visit their mother). Other things like contacts with the staff and traveling time would also take less time. And they could be instant company for each other.

My own experience with MIL is that unless most of the residents are still fairly ‘with it’, the interaction for each resident is mostly with the staff rather than with each other or with the occasional elderly visiting friend. Staying in their original home community becomes less and less useful, as old friends die or become unable to visit. Perhaps talking this through with DH might lead to some new options to consider. Importantly, are you clear about the balance of time at home and visiting your mother now? If you are spending hours every day with mother, DH’s concerns are quite reasonable. If DH resents any time with mother, you have a much worse problem.

You do not say you are moving your Aunt in with you...
Are mom and your aunt able to live in the same community? That might be easier on you as far as time goes.
I think your husband is afraid that you will spend all your time caring for mom and your aunt and he will not have any of your time.

I mentioned a "funny" story in one of my answers a while back about when I put my Husband in a Memory Care facility for respite. I was leaving for a vacation, first one in about 8 years. I was going out of the country and I had listed my Sister as an emergency contact as well as his daughter. I get an "urgent" call at the hotel that my Brother in Law was trying to reach me. I contacted him and he tells me that the facility called him, my Husband had an infection and could they treat it. I told him to tell them to do what they needed to do and to keep me posted. Never heard anything more, I figured my BIL, Sister were taking care of everything. I return and get the bill for the "emergency", the doctor, and the medication...The emergency infection was ATHLETE'S FOOT!!! So I get your Rosacea story and understand how upsetting it can be but the result might have been the same even if she had been 20 minutes from you.

Just keep in mind your priority.
Husband first (and children if any) then Mom and Aunt.

There a a couple of extra things to consider. First, Aunt's finances. If she's in any social welfare programs, when she moves, those safety nets fall away. Does she have enough money to pay her own way for living expenses (rent, clothes, food) for the next year? If not, then it might be more useful to hire a care manager for her to be the point of contact for these situations you're being called about. If she passes that test, would your husband and mother be ok with her moving to the AL where your mom will live? It could be more efficient for both to be at the same location so both get visits when you are in one place. It could also mean taking the two ladies to different doctors daily during critical times and your husband might have to help. If he's not ok with that, then what will you do? Again, you'll be calling for the ER.


I also want to express my concern that you think you will be adding to her life happiness by including her in your family events. I know I held those sweet thoughts for awhile, but as it turns out, the best thing -the *only* thing- that made a difference for mthr was being in a safe place. The rest of the benefits were such small improvements that they just did not matter, and in her dementia were more troublesome than positive. Since your aunt was abused by her son, the most important thing has already been accomplished - her safety. You don't have to go out at all and her life is bajillions better than it was. You will be disappointed by your aunt's reaction to your including her in the family because she has dementia and because she has been abused and her reactions are skewed by that as well. Your Aunt is really fine where she is, and moving her is a preference that you and your husband need to work out and agree.

I have a concern about your aunt's son, your cousin. Is there any chance he could follow her to your area? I only know what you've written about him, and I hope him following her and causing problems for you and your husband is not a possibility.

Do your research first before talking to family. What would it take to move Auntie - financially and time? Where would she live and how will that be financed? What would change and what would stay the dame if she was to move closer?

Usually when a spouse has problems with caretaking, it is because they are feeling less loved and cared for. Talk with your spouse about how moving Auntie would free up time and finances to care for the spouse more: less travel out of state, no need for hotels, better care of Auntie = more peace of mind for you -> more focus on loving your spouse...

Sounds like you've already made up your mind about moving your Aunt and want your husband to line up with your thinking (against HIS better judgement). Don't mean to sound harsh, just realistic - but don't be shocked if you follow through with your plans and hubby walks out because he sees you haven't put him first in your life. Resentment is a bitter pill.

Your Aunt has friends where she is. Your need to be controlling where she lives is not healthy.

You must decide between your need to control your Aunt and your love for your spouse. I think you're over-reacting concerning an ER visit that turned out to be Rosacea.

Instead of being pissed, why aren't you relieved it was nothing?

AL facilities are not set up to handle urgent medical problems. Calling the ambulance and sending her to the ER is their way of Covering Their Assets. Try to separate your reaction to the facility's decision from what your Aunt really needs right now. To live closer to you in Montana she would also be separated from her friends in California.

There are a lot of tired people here, and it's understandable. I moved in with my mother who has dementia 4 years ago and, yes, one wishes for a holiday. But I also notice that experiences with dementia are very different. Not everyone turns nasty. My mother is actually nicer since all worries have been taken off her. I also remember a teacher of mine (once upon a time) who said that his wife being OK with him taking his late mother at home had given strength to the couple. He was very grateful. It's essential. People who have problems often aren't. They think their spouse should understand and take it for granted (they can even resent their spouse for making them feel guilty of caregiving). What I mean is : there is no story like another, and you're the only one who knows how you'll be able to manage the situation, and if the relationship with your husband is at risk or, who knows, could be enhanced.