How to explain to your spouse how important your loved one with dementia is to you?

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How to explain to your spouse how important your loved one with dementia is to you?

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Me, I just tell my husband this is MY MOTHER! He NEVER had to go through any of this with his Mother as she died within a few months after diagnosis of liver cancer.

Yes, he gets upset with me when I remind him, but I don't care. Say what you want, but it will not change any thing.

He'll take a drive, go upstairs, not talk with me for hours. I don't care. This is MY MOTHER and I have a job to do for her.

1. By Court appointment
2. Being my Mom
3. I promised her when I was in the 4th grade
4. I have to answer to my grandparents and great-grandparents
5. I HAVE TO ANSWER TO GOD

His jealously and hissy fits are done and over either later that day or the next. He knows the pressure(s) I'm under and for the last 2 yrs as I'm in the process of getting an ASSET DIVORCE for Mom so Stepfather's spawn can't touch Mom's sole/separate assets AND THEY OWE MOM JUST UNDER $100.000 as well as his #1 has committed Federal/State/Bank fraud.
Those are my aces in my pockets so she has a choice, pay or go to prison!

Don't mess with a former banker who can follow the money and knows how to research regarding other issues.

My attorney has told other attorneys when I've been present, I am the most prepared client she has ever had. I have about 5 4" binders and a few smaller filled with research regarding EVERY SINGLE ISSUE. I'm not afraid to tell my attorney she's wrong or #1's attorney via mine, she's wrong.

Stand up, shoulders back and tell your husband where you stand! He needs to deal with it. YOUR LOVED ONE IS NOW AT THE HEAD OF THE LINE.

I got this gene from my Mother! Go for it!

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Wow. An aunt never should be at the front of the line. Spouse always comes first.

(9)

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Ddoes the retirement village where your mother is moving have assisted living? If so ,moving her into the same place as your mother would consolidate your visits. However, before you decide to move her, are you her DPOA? Is she able to participate in the d3cision making process and if she is, is she in agreement to move? Perhaps your husband isn't understanding how this all will play out in terms of the impact on your relationship. He may fear that you will be totally consumed by caregiving. I think It's important for you to discuss it with him and set ground rules balancing your relationship with him versus your need to be a caregiver for them. I hope that if you can work out the mechanics of all this, you and everyone else can be happy.

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You just tell him flat out - she has been an important part of my life, I am not comfortable with her so far away, she will still be at a facility - but close by for me to see in person.....and then you start the process. If you were asking to put her in your home, then you need his agreement. Moving her nearby does not qualify as a 'needing his permission' to make a move.

Don't allow a spouse, or anyone, to create a regret that YOU have to live with later on.

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OP isn't asking his permission. She expressed surprise that he is resistant to the plan. She is amazed that he didn't understand how important this aunt is to her. The fact that his mil is moving nearby at roughly the same time may have pushed him over the edge.

I think he's probably dreading the difficult and time/energy consuming process of moving the aunt (I would be!) and the likelihood that his wife will now spend ever-increasing amounts of time and energy on aunt as well as mom. What will she have left for their marriage and family?

I think it's a lovely thing to do, but I totally get why her husband isn't thrilled with the idea.

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Sometimes, by showing a spouse how important another loved one is to you, you also show the spouse that he or she is less important than the other loved one. You can make the choice to bring your aunt to live closer by; your husband can then make the choice whether he's okay with whatever happens after that. He might decide that you have created a regret that he has to live with later on.

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Would it be better for me to have to fly or drive to California every time there is a serious issue?
Again, I am having serious problems with the ALF not answering my questions. This causes me stress even though my Aunt is over a thousand miles away.
I guess I don't understand how I am supposed to be a good steward of her money and medical care if I need to reimburse myself every time I have to fly to take care of her business.

(2)

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Sorry but husband comes before aunt.

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He absolutely comes first, however, it's hard on him when I have to leave him to go take care of my Aunts buisness and medical issues. Wouldn't it be better if I could take care of everything from home?
It's not like you can just dump someone in an ALF and nothing more needs to be done!

(3)

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Sounds like you have some control issues.

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Is it control or love?

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My question is does your aunt wish to move? Would she be agreeable if she moved closer to you? Would she be miserable? Would it make things more complicated or easier if she moved closer? I am not trying to harass you, only inquiring.

Would she be leaving friends behind? Would she lose anything else important to her?

How would your relationship with your husband change? Would he come around to your choice or would he feel as if he was overruled?

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My Aunt has dementia. Unfortunately she can't even decide on a pair of shoes let alone moving.
Yes, she has friends. Friends that are just as old as she is.
How long before her friends (already complaining) are unable or unwilling to help!
As her caregiver, I feel like I should see her at least once every 3 months. This expense comes out of her estate money. It adds up.
Wouldn't it be better for me to deal with her and now my mother from one location?

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I have strong feelings about this topic because my then husband decided to become his parents' caregiver and he then neglected me and our marriage and our children. It was his "right" to decide to become his parents' caregiver; it also was my "right" to end the marriage when it no longer was tolerable for me to be at the bottom of his priorities.

So, here's what I suggest. Instead of trying to explain to your husband how important your aunt with dementia is to you, explain to your husband how important HE is to you. Tell him what you will do to keep him highest among your priorities. Ask for his input with resolving the caregiving issues instead of presenting only one option (moving aunt nearby). Acknowledge the validity of his concerns about the possible effect on you, him, and the marriage of having both your mom and your aunt living so close to you.

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There is no need to fly out there every time there is an issue. If you move your aunt closer are you planning on running to the facility ever time she has a hiccup? You may end up spending more time with her being closer than far away. I think your husband may realize this.

my father is in AL 30 minutes away. They call for everything. That does not mean I go running there at 3 am. For the longest time he found an excuse to go to the ER on a weekly basis. I did not leave work or lose sleep running there. I can manage everything from the phone. When I do visit him it is on my schedule and works into my life.

No one is saying not to help your aunt. They are saying that you need to consider your husband’s concerns.

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Your husband knows how important your aunt is; he’s more concerned for YOU. After all, it’s not just your aunt, it’s your mom, too. Yes, the situation now is stressful what with aunt being so far away. It will be just as stressful when you move her close by. Admitting that to yourself will be a big step. Then brainstorm with husband on how to reduce that stress so you don’t end up burning yourself out & going before either one of them. Meanwhile, do you have any local caregiver support groups you could attend? I found that, and this forum, to be extremely helpful.

Good luck & sending you hugs.

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On your recommendation, I found one! Meets every 1st and 3rd Friday! Thanks

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I asked a few days ago ‘about the balance of time at home and visiting your mother now? If you are spending hours every day with mother, DH’s concerns are quite reasonable’ about adding your aunt into the picture. So far almost all the posts have been about DH’s behaviour, not yours. Could you give a bit more information about what you do yourself? It might get more helpful responses.

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Sure Margaret,
Glad to. I think some of what I said was taken by some out of context.
My hubby was amazing while I was in California for 6 weeks. I thought I was just going for my Uncles funeral. Long story short, after getting a restraining order against my cousin on behalf of my Aunt, finding her an ALF and selling her home I was able to finally come home. Since being home I have had CONSTANT issues with the AFL not communicating with me. I have not been unreasonable. Too many issues to state! Just an example, they requested I ask her Doctor for an increase of her Seroquel. I requested from her Kaiser Dr. After 3 weeks I discovered that nothing has happened from the AFL side. They told me they need a signed order from the Dr. Dr tells me AFL needs to request it from him. I am a thousand miles away and can't do a darn thing about it! This is just one example, besides the ambulance ride to the ER for a rash on her face that I had asked them to monitor and call me if any changes. They didn't call me until after she was on her way to the hospital.
All these things cause me stress!
Not because I am a control freak, rather because I love this little woman more than words can say.
I think my husband is tired of seeing me stressed, but with my mother arriving tomorrow, I can't just turn it off! I absolutely take good care of him. He is a spoiled man! However, my new reality now involves these two women.
Wouldn't it be better to have both women in the same place so I only have to deal with one facility? Not have to travel to California for "serious " issues.
Yes, my husband comes first, I just need him to understand that short of letting my Aunt become a ward of the state, I have no choice!
My ultimate plan is to visit my mom once a week. Do her shopping and visit for a while. Holidays etc.. that's it. If my Aunt is here , that's 2 birds with one stone!
Thanks for your question!

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If your mom is as hard to get along with as you have described her in your other question, how do you think your aunt will be affected by having to live near her?

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That's a really good question.
It seems as though my mother is hardest on me. She seems to put on a facade for other people. I have learned that this is not uncommon with narcissistic.
Ironically, I think my Aunt has lost some of her inhibitions with her dementia. She may actually put my mom in her place if mom steps on her toes. Lol

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xray,

That could be interesting if your aunt put your mom in her place. Hahaha
Nothing like a taste of her own medicine, right?

Your mom sounds like my husband’s grandma was. Oh my gosh, in public butter would melt in her mouth. Just as sweet as pie! People would comment how lovely she was. Oh, if they only knew. I didn’t tell.

I did not want to give her antics any credence and I felt out of respect for my husband it wasn’t my place to say anything. Behind closed doors she was a witch!

Besides, every family has their crazies!

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Right??
I know my brothers understand to a point. So difficult to be the "target" of a narcissistic loved one.
Thanks!

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How to explain to your spouse how important your loved one with dementia is to you?

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