How to deal with resentment when caring for parent?

It’s so easy for someone to say, put him in a home or ER dump. My mother did not save for a home. Refuses to go on Medical and her Dr told me to take her to ER and ask for a case worker to have them find her a placement. ER had us wait 12 hours in waiting room and then told us we needed to go thru as out patient.
Since you are young and he is 70, give him a date that you will no longer be available to take care of him full time.
Give him phone numbers for Council on Aging or a Social Worker from his hospital. Always put in writing and keep a copy what you communicate to him.
You are too young to give up.

This is one way you could start changing things straight away. He is relying on FOG (fear and guilt) about how he cared for you as a child. Treat him like he looked after you as a child. Your mother probably did the care when you were a toddler anyway. But just assume that he did actually do hands on care then. At age 6, you were in school. So he goes to day care every day, like you went to school. He goes to bed at 7pm, lights out. He gets fed what you want to prepare. He’s old enough to take a shower and get dried and dressed, and he doesn’t get help walking whenever he feels like it.

Yes of course you need to work on getting him out of the house and into care. But turning the tables on ‘I cared for you’ FOG might help you to toughen up a bit. At the moment he has everything his way, and that’s the way he likes it. Making it more even with 'I cared for you' will be a bit less likeable for him. It’s fair!

Don't let your father guilt you into not living your dreams, pursuing your career and starting relationships. Your 30's is when all of this should be taking place! The 30's are probably one of the most exciting and best times in someone's life. You are young and still look and probably feel great. There are plenty of fish in the sea so to speak. This is YOUR TIME TO SHINE! Your father had his life and I'm not sure why he's in such bad shape. If he is anything like my father was - an alcoholic and smoker who made some poor business choices and died at 68 with no insurance. I'm much older now and still taking care of my mom who is 93. But I look back at my youth and am glad of the memories. Get some in-home health care. Set boundaries and tell him you deserve a life. I swear a lot of these older people are the ones that are selfish stealing their children's lives! Prayers to you.

You have put the walls of the prison up yourself. Get some counseling in order to live your life.

When he says you are ungrateful, mention that taking care of his children was his job. You didn't ask to be born, he decided that, and since he decided to have a baby, it is his god given duty to care for his family. When you decide to have babies, you will take care of them, that is paying it forward.

My extended family's father was always reminding him that he took him to the hospital when he was little and almost died, so he(the father) was owed. When I pointed out to the old fart that the parent's job is to take care of their children, even if it meant taking them to the ER. He got mad at me and said he was ex-communicating me from his list of friends. Boy, that showed me, (sarcasm).

Your father CANNOT nor SHOULD NOT be the one in control. He needs facility living, else you'll break. You need counseling.

You need to insist that he make other arrangements. If he is that needy he should be in an assisted living facility. He is taking great advantage of you. If he is competent enough to manipulate you through guilt, he is in good enough shape to have an enjoyable life in a facility. You should take him for a visit. It's a month by month situation. He would make friends and have a social group. My mom was in an assisted living situation until dementia made me take her to live with me (but I'm 61 not 32 and she has the means to have private sitters). I can't imagine demanding my daughter of 32 sacrificing herself for me.

Tell him you can no longer care for him. I'd tell him that, and don't feel "guilty" because you want or need to live your own life. 70 is really young for needing all that hands on care. Many people are still working at that age (I did and after "retiring," immediately was pulled into elder care for my 2 parents who were 90.) All this caregiving and worry at age 32 will cause you to age prematurely and need someone else to care for you, hopefully not at age 70 or earlier.

Does he have a medical condition requiring nursing care? Why is he falling so often? If so, he may be beyond AL and need a nursing home. Contact your county or state department of aging for some advice and to locate a social worker who can do an assessment of his needs.

Providing assistance for our parent(s) or other LOs doesn't have to mean giving up our life and home to them. You likely will need some expert help in getting it done, but dad needs to move out. It isn't clear if he could live in a senior place with help or if he needs AL (he doesn't sound like SNF material, yet. that generally requires needing specialized nursing care, not just needing help with ADLs)

Let his attempts at guilt fall on deaf ears. You are not selfish or ungrateful, if anything HE is. You've done a number of years caring for both. Continuing as is will impoverish you, both now and for your own future needs. It will result in a lot of resentment for both of you. If possible, start seeking help with doctors, EC attys, SWs, etc to see what his options are. Inquire about Medicaid (most don't cover AL, only NH, but some do and many offer at least part-time in-home help, if he can move to senior housing.)

The guilt he lays on you is totally wrong and unfounded. Some who post on this site will also throw this kind of guilt around. Tune it out! Caring for a child one WANTED to bring into the world, a child who is small, but will grow both in size and independence is not the same as caring for a full-size overly-entitled adult who will NOT grow in independence and could suck the life out of you!

We can still be engaged and advocate for our parent(s) without having to do the hands-on caring. IF there is any way to get him living elsewhere, he will likely ramp up the guilt trips, but refuse to go on those vacations! It is fueled only by his sense of entitlement and hurtful as it might be, you know what you have done, what you have gone through and what you would like your life to be, so you need to shut yourself off from his berating and make positive changes. You, like he, are entitled to a life of your own!

Have you thought about contacting the local area agency on Aging to see if he qualifies for any assistance? Does he have any private funds to hire any help? Have you spoken with his physician regarding his issues? I'm thinking that a social worker from area agency on Aging should be involved? Given all the falls has home PT been ordered? If there are family is it that they won't help? Have you asked them? I think that even though he is your father that a trained professional needs to help you set boundaries while getting him the help that he needs. No one likes the idea of a SNF but given his falls and his needs he could be needing placement sooner rather than later.

What has happened to the OP? We’d like to hear from you.

@BBS2019

Most excellent advice. Please, to the OP, get your dad placed in a long term care facility. You will be able to visit and still advocate for him. I wish I had not gone with “my parents wishes” through years of turmoil... falls, hospital stays, bad caregivers, no help from these offices others suggest because it was a poor area- now I am 51, unmarried, bouts of aggressive cancer, lung disease. Please, take care of you and have love, a family of your own. Find joy. The guilt he is placing on you is manipulative.