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This “promise” should never be requested, never anticipated, never listened to, and never honored.
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Reply to AnnReid
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You let them know just how selfish that is, to ask you to make such a promise. And then you refuse to make such a promise. If you make any promise, it should be that you will make sure your loved one's needs are met.
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Reply to XenaJada
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I would not promise to never put them in a facility. You don't know what the future holds.

My dad used to try and manipulate me into promising to take care of him when he got old. I said ,"I promise to find a good home for you."

I don't do manipulation from my family. It is hateful in my opinion and it is never okay to obligate someone to do the unknown at any and all expenses to them, that is not what a loving parent does.

Statistically 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for, who asks someone to put their life at that kind of risk so they don't have to do anything they don't want?
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Floridagirl6 Nov 8, 2019
WOW 40% really? That's crazy but, I believe it.
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Emotional blackmail is not a good thing. We all tend to make promises during good times...........it's easy to say Sure Mom, I Will NEVER Put You in Assisted Living, No Problem! Then when the poop hits the fan, all promises fly right out the window in favor of doing The Right Thing. Not to mention, the vast majority of them wind up LIKING Assisted Living just fine. They get to sit around complaining all day with other people their own age, kvetching about the horrrrrible food, the small portions, etc. They get to gossip all day long, too, about things that are none of their business, like Did You See Mildred Going Into Bob's ROOM Last Night? OMG That Little Hussy!!! They get to watch Boring Movies together, like Westerns that Nobody Wants to Watch Except the Men. They get to indulge in Happy Hour every Friday and all get tipsy. They get to ride the mini bus on outings to restaurants, events, plays, all sorts of things they'll find boring and irritating, which gives them even MORE fodder for the complaining mill later on at dinner! Yay!

Go tour some local Assisted Living Facilities yourself. Speak with the RESIDENTS and the STAFF. Ask them how THEY like living and working there. That will determine which place is best for your parent. I also suggest you select a privately owned AL rather than a Corporate owned one..........the privately owned places are MUCH better and easier to deal with the management/billing/nursing, etc. Corporate owned facilities have one thing in mind: the bottom line numbers.

Best of luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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DollyMe Nov 8, 2019
Nailed it! Great response!
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May I just say that I tried to fulfill that promise and it just about killed me, emotionally and physically. Nearly 15 years of my life that I can’t ever get back. Regrets? Yeah, and more than a few.

Please learn from my ignorance. I truly did not realize what I was signing up for. Everyone has different circumstances so it truly isn’t fair to compare each other. Emotions can get the best of us if we lead with our hearts.

We can’t see the future. No one can. There are no guarantees in life. The only constant is change. The changes became overwhelming for me.

It effects the caregiver the most but spills over to husbands and children too. Of course, the elder is effected as well.

For what it’s worth, I would not ever be a primary caregiver again. It destroyed the mother/daughter relationship and now I grieve for what could have been.

You may want to consider not putting yourself in the same situation as I did.

It’s a very isolated life. You will no longer be free to socialize with friends. You will miss privacy with your spouse and children.

I tried. I failed. I’d like to think that I succeeded in some areas. I think if all involved were to be completely honest they would have to say that I wasn’t a complete failure even though they did their best to make me believe that I was. It’s horrible how those of us who have done the most, sacrificed everything, set ourselves up for the worst betrayal.

I have cried a river. It’s okay. I had to release the pain. I have much to be thankful for in spite of everything. I have to remind myself of that because otherwise I could allow myself to go into a very dark place. As it is I suffer from bouts of depression.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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bmillerhanna Nov 10, 2019
I very much appreciate the response you provided. I just printed out this entire thread for my wife to read. She, too, made the promise to her dad 9 years ago before he passed away that she would never put her mom in NH/AL. But I'm sure her dad also never expected her to have stage 4 Parkinson's either. She moved in with us a year ago last Saturday. OH, how I wish I would have been on this forum before agreeing to that!!!! This past year has taken a definite toll on our marriage. We went from complete privacy and independence to none overnight. And I've seen a big increase in my wife's frustration level in the past few months. It's past time to start looking into an alternative living arrangement.
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My husband made this promise to his mother and I have told him that it is not one he can keep.  If there comes a time when their needs outweigh your capabilities and resources, there is not a choice.
Another answer stated exactly what I would say, "I promise not to abandon you".  That is the best answer you can give and an honest one.
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Reply to Wuzzyblue
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I promised my father that I would become President of the USA..didn't happen...oh well.

That is pure manipulation on their part don't fall for it, forget about the promises, do what is best for all..not just them.
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Floridagirl6 Nov 8, 2019
Thank you DollyMe! I needed that chuckle!
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" Why do you ask that, Dad?"

I think you need to get at the root of his fear.

"I promise I wont abandon you".
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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I answered honestly: "I cannot promise you will never have to move into AL/NH because I cannot see the future. I can promise you as long as we can manage it, I will do my best to keep you at home or maybe in my home. To stay at home, you will need to accept help from people we hire to help. If you need 24/7 medical care or transfers I cannot provide at home then we will have no choice. I can promise if placement is necessary we will pick a good one and I will visit often and make sure you have good care."

A lot of our seniors think AL/MC is just like being stuck in a small shared hospital room instead of an independent space where people come in to help as needed and they can join others in the dining or common room for company and activities. It doesn't help that several NHs (at least in our area) have been established in former hospital buildings. Some brochures on local ALs or a couple of visits might reduce resistance to at least considering AL.
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Reply to TNtechie
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Lvnsm1826 Nov 7, 2019
Exactly, they think of a hospital where they are stuck and can't do what they want.
However, there are many AL facilities that look just like home, and have the social and active life they need and might enjoy. Instead just sitting at home being bored.

If they see what it looks like, that might help.
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Do not promise anything. Tell parent that, like said, that they are getting more and more dependent on others. There will come a time when you just can no longer care for them. If you are a Senior, u may want to tell parent that you too are getting older and with that there are things you just can't physically without hurting yourself.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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