I am an only child of a domineering, engulfing mother who has strategically run my life since birth. I have been left with no clue as to who i am as a person except as an extension of her. We are thoroughly enmeshed, to the point I gave up my husband and child and divorced to move closer and take care of her. I am 52 years old and she is 90. All other family members are dead. I have one friend left and she has none. I am her be all and end all and expected to give up all aspects of my life until she passes away (and I "greedily grab her money and go through it like water in my hands"). She can either be very nice or very emotionally and verbally abuse, lately more the latter. I have mental illnesses of my own to cope with and am on SSI disability because I simply cannot hold down a job or stay in school. I have had 130 jobs in my lifetime and was either fired or quit from all of them, all with my mother's encouragement. She controls the money as my disability income does not begin to cover my living expenses.
We cannot live together. We argue constantly, to the point that I am crying hysterically and wishing so badly that I was either dead or had never been born. I take her to doctor's appointments (cardiologist) and to various stores. If I can't take her she puts the lives of herself and helpless drivers at risk and just goes on her own.
I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. My mom states that I am a burden and have ruined her life, yet she has ruined mine too. I resent the hell out of her. I now live alone with my beloved dog and have been told that I am to wait on her hand and foot until she dies or any monetary help stops. She is jealous of any outside relationships I may have. If I try to talk about how depressed I feel, she interrupts me and tells me how much worse off she is and dismisses my feelings completely. I see a counselor and psychologist and both of them can offer no advice. There are times I sit with my car keys in my hands seriously debating climbing in the car and driving it on train tracks used by very fast freight trains and parking it on the tracks with me in it.
Can anyone offer any advice please??