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I am an only child of a domineering, engulfing mother who has strategically run my life since birth. I have been left with no clue as to who i am as a person except as an extension of her. We are thoroughly enmeshed, to the point I gave up my husband and child and divorced to move closer and take care of her. I am 52 years old and she is 90. All other family members are dead. I have one friend left and she has none. I am her be all and end all and expected to give up all aspects of my life until she passes away (and I "greedily grab her money and go through it like water in my hands"). She can either be very nice or very emotionally and verbally abuse, lately more the latter. I have mental illnesses of my own to cope with and am on SSI disability because I simply cannot hold down a job or stay in school. I have had 130 jobs in my lifetime and was either fired or quit from all of them, all with my mother's encouragement. She controls the money as my disability income does not begin to cover my living expenses.

We cannot live together. We argue constantly, to the point that I am crying hysterically and wishing so badly that I was either dead or had never been born. I take her to doctor's appointments (cardiologist) and to various stores. If I can't take her she puts the lives of herself and helpless drivers at risk and just goes on her own.

I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. My mom states that I am a burden and have ruined her life, yet she has ruined mine too. I resent the hell out of her. I now live alone with my beloved dog and have been told that I am to wait on her hand and foot until she dies or any monetary help stops. She is jealous of any outside relationships I may have. If I try to talk about how depressed I feel, she interrupts me and tells me how much worse off she is and dismisses my feelings completely. I see a counselor and psychologist and both of them can offer no advice. There are times I sit with my car keys in my hands seriously debating climbing in the car and driving it on train tracks used by very fast freight trains and parking it on the tracks with me in it.

Can anyone offer any advice please??

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What kind of psychologist/counselor gives no advice?
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I'll admit to a little curiosity about how you persuaded the latter 120 employers to give you a chance.

But, at least, that does seem to mean that you have marketable skills of some sort. What are they? And who's the tenacious friend?
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CarlaCB said it most succinctly: Walk away from her money and you will free yourself from her control.
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My sister is on SSI disability. She has Section 8 housing. She gets Medicaid for medical expenses. She has trouble covering the bills because she owns a car and has to have nice clothes and SSI just doesn't pay for things like that. She always needs money, but rarely does anyone in my family help her out. Only in the most dire emergencies. In a way, that helps her. She's forced to live on her own income and she's not beholden to anyone. Our mother is elderly and needs help too, and my disabled sister lives several states away and stays totally uninvolved.

It can be done. It's harder to do if you're used to a middle class lifestyle and someone is right there with their ample funds and their conditions for doling it out.

You seem to believe your mother owes you financial assistance because she's responsible for your psychological issues and inability to work. Right or wrong, that belief is keeping you trapped in a push-pull relationship with your mother where you both want (and feel entitled to) something the other does not want to give. Walk away from her money and you will free yourself from her control. Right now, that's the only way to get back in control of your own life.
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Well if you live alone and are self supportive then you can divorce yourself from her.

I don't know what your counselor is saying but if they aren't helping, please find someone new.

We owe our parents nothing. They raised us to adults, hopefully independent ones and we should be expected and encouraged to move forward and create our own life independent of family. We don't OWE parents, they chose to have us and raise us but not withexpectation of payback or debt. That's not how parenting works.

You deserve to move forward. If mom is holding you back, you need to be honest and tell her you are taking steps to independence and need to find yourself and feel it's best for you if you disconnect for awhile.

No phone calls, no cards or letters, no visits. You decide timeframe. If that is 6 months great.

But you have to be ready to do this. To block her calls, not allow visits, etc.
Aye you epreadynto move on? Do you have a plan to fill your days, working, reconnecting with friends or making new friends. Sounds like you and therapist should work out a plan to help you be strong, emotionally healthy.

You need to heal yourself before you reconnect with mom. Set your boundaries.

I know you can do it. Let go of the guilt or at least compartmentalize it so it doesn't dominate your life and life choices.

You owe mom nothing. She owes you her love and support to encourage you to find happiness.

Good luck.
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It doesn't sound to me like you are giving up your life for your mother. You are sacrificing yourself for the sake of the bribe/payment she gives you. She will cut off her financial assistance if you don't do as she says.

Consider hard what she provides you and what she demands of you. Is the payment enough for what you do? For feeling like you want to park on the rr tracks?

You are never going to be able to control what your mother does. What is it worth to you to be able to control what you do? Is it worth looking for subsidized housing? Lowering your standard of living to what you can afford on your own? Or is mommy's money worth the misery you are experiencing now?

I hope you are talking to your counselors about your suicidal feelings, and I hope you have the number for the suicide help line with you at all times.
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Sometimes two people of different personalities just cannot live together. Thus changes have to be made. Where you are now, sounds like at 52 years old, you are back being the child in the relationship with Mom telling you what to do. At 90 your Mom sounds like she could manage on her own, especially since she still drives.

I can't understand why a counselor or psychologist cannot offer any advice. Heavens, my talk therapist would be saying pack up and move out. Go to a woman's shelter, abuse from your Mom is no different say than abuse from a spouse/boyfriend. Let the shelter help you manage your money.

Leave a list for your Mom of caregiving agencies she can call in case she needs help at home... and a list of senior living facilities in case she decides to move.... and the telephone number of Agency on Aging if she needs more information. And when you shut the door, don't look back.

Ok, I know this won't be easy. But set a deadline. If you heart starts to pound, it will stop once you and your dog are in the car knowing you are going to a caring place.
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