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My 87 yr old mother with dementia moved in with us 10 days ago. She started getting hostile, withdrawn and resistant on day 3. She thinks that she is stranded and that I've tricked her. She has been in 2 nursing homes in 4 months and lost her husband 6 weeks ago. I want this to be her last move. How long will it take her to adjust? @witsend

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I moved my mom with dementia in with me 7 yeras ago. I found that the biggest help is to maintain a very tight schedule. If she is off her schedule is the slightest she is confused and afraid. Takes alot patience and photo albums Good luck
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I had my 83 mother with Alzheimer's move in with my wife and I 40 days ago. We have had good days and bad days, and different modes throughout the day. One thing is she gets confused about where is she some days. I have kept my iPhone with me most of the time and I take photos of her eating, relaxing in her bedroom, petting the cat, doing crafts, and sometimes I take those out to remind her that yes, she is living with us and she is not in some "new place." That seems to help her remember a bit.
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Water stone - I have my 96 year old mother living with me since September 2012. She lived in her own home since childhood. It has taken her over a year to feel somewhat at home. She hasn't adjusted fully. She has dementia and is confused often. Her bedoom is on the first floor and yet she tells me she's going upstairs to go to bed. Sometimes she can't remember where the bathroom is. I have a small Cape Cod house. It is a huge adjustment for our parents to be uprooted from their homes. My mantra is patience, patience, patience.
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Sorry for your mom's loss and yours. It has only been six weeks since he is gone, and she has been through the wringer, two nursing homes, the loss of her spouse and now living with you. I'd say she is spinning emotionally and mentally, wouldn't you be too, even without dementia. Make sure she does not have UTI or any sort this will exacerbate the issues. Perhaps some Seroquel to calm her for a bit till she is settled in your home. It is going to take a lot of time, and then it may not work out for you and her, but you are trying all you can. Work with her doctors to get her comfortable would be my guess, and keep on searching for the right fit in a residential care setting, she will get harder to care for not easier.
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Hi WaterStone. Are you there with your Mom all day? Has she been hostile before, in the nursing homes, and was that why she had to move? Two nursing homes in four months is a HUGE disruption and confusion factor, like Madeaa pointed out, made worse with the loss of her husband just six weeks ago. She is having to go through a major adjustment, and the hostility could stem from complete fear and loss of control. Also, agree w/ Madeaa, make sure she doesn't have a urinary tract infection, which will make their behavior strange. My 88 yr. old Mom has lived w/ us for three years now. I go with GinGin's mantra: patience patience patience!!! It's very difficult. A toddler's behavior, which is ME ME ME, and even though my Mom is very sweet and good natured, she forgets within 5 minutes time what I tell her and is constantly shadowing me, calling me, wanting every minute of my attention. A tight schedule is essential in my house also. It helps when they have a sense of what to expect, and when to expect it. Good luck to you, and hang in there. I hope things straighten out a bit for you so she doesn't have to make another move.
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We've had my mom with us since the first of October. Some days she seems to have adjusted and then other days she is confused about where she is. She doesn't know what state she is in half the time.
A couple weeks ago we had a really bad weekend with hallucinations and delusions.
Now she is "typical", in and out.
I'm not sure my mom will ever feel she is at home. I just tell her that we love her and that we want her here and that we can take good care of her.
Like Jeffrey, I take lots of pictures with my iPhone. I don't show them to her at the moment because most days she isn't that bad. I want to remember her as much as I can before she completely forgets me. She can't remember my husband's name and believes that my father is still alive (he passed in January).

Give her time and love and I'm sure she will begin to feel more at home. Surround her with some of her personal things in her room.
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FIL has been here 3 1/2 years and I doubt he will ever fully make the adjustment. He wants us to do things his way and it is a constant battle. We are in our early 60's, our home, should be our rules.
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I never realized how important a "tight schedule" is to those with dementia, I just could not give my mother the attention round the clock she craved, the strict schedule, breakfast, church, rosary, tea, music, lunch, rosary, meetings, etc, dinner, every day the same way, I was tired from sleeping with one eye open and from up and down, I was exhausted from her constant shadowing, attention seeking, not allowing me to use the bathroom without getting hostile. In other words, as much as I wished I could do all for her, I could not, it made me SICK, I see the difference in the few weeks it has been in myself. My point is that it takes a village to take care of someone who has dementia, and if you don't get the help you need, you will turn into the village idiot for sure, mumbling to yourself, unkempt, sick, tired and ready for a hospital stay.
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It does take a village and that is why we have nursing homes. As you can see in these posts it is very difficult to take care of a demented parent alone. Nursing homes have strict schedules because it gives the clients a feeling of security knowing what is coming next. However these are paid individuals that get to leave after 8 hours and go home to a life of their own. Not so when our loved ones live with us and are dependent on us. Other cultures have extended families that take on their elders as a group- not so in the good old US where everyone has to work 2 jobs to maintain their lifestyle so it is usually one family member that gets the job of taking care of the demented parent. That means their lives are now given over to help the parent while the rest of the family goes about their merry way - giving unwanted advice. Sorry to vent so much but that is what happened to me and I accept it but still feel pissed at my sibs for being so selfish. Looking back now 2 years later I should have just put her in assisted living but that window of opportunity is now gone as her memory is just too poor. I just try to do the best that I can - good luck - your heart is in the right place.
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Waterstone, a big pat on the back for taking your Mom into your home! I did the same thing when my Mom was 86. After 7 weeks she thought my home was her home. They go through so many stages that I wouldnt ever call them adjusted in the beginning stages. My Mom went through a year of "I am going home!" and pulling on the chained doors and windows trying to get out, it was horrible. It was like a 20 minute sundowning fit which ended with her sitting and falling asleep 5-10 minutes and then woke up a new person, very strange. She got up all night and it was a year of exhaustion for me as I worked fulltime and she went to daycare the first 2 years. I finally took her to a neurologist and he treated her with depakote sprinkles, what a life saver for us and for her. I since retired (had to), and weaned her almost off of those pills as that stage passed. My Mom doesnt walk or talk (barely), cant see much, is incontinent, and I have a hoyer lift, its along hard road. You will fall into a schedule and be okay, you just need time off, like mornings and weekends when you can. I take pride in always being here for her, as she was for me. I have morning help when I can and I last year hired weekend help which is a life saver for me.(when she shows up) I can get my Mom to laugh and shake her arms and legs to music some times and she wakes up often laughing. Shes priceless, makes funny faces and I wouldnt trade this experience for anything. Adapt her with things she knows and can see in her bedroom, she will always be different throughout her disease. Remember, time off makes it like a fulltime job with weekends off, in a way(?!?!) As her doctor told me, just keeping her warm, fed and comfortable with a hand to hold is the best you can ever do, they are afraid and dont want to be alone. Good Luck to you!
ps my siblings dont do jack s--- either, I gave up on them and hired help on my own, their inheritence is gone, oh well, too bad, they should have helped.
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