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Hi and thank you for this page. I took care of my first husband for 10 years, the last 4 years of his life it became very hard because he had grand mal seizures for 3 1/2 hours that paralyzed him, I worked full time and while I was gone I had a nurse.Taking care of my husband was hard but I wanted to do it. During this time my dad and my stepmom helped for a short time, I fixed my home so they move in. My stepmom became very ill and passed away in my home, my dad just left and stayed at my sister's. During which time he got sick, While my first husband was alive I also had to take care of my dad which was very hard!!! My sister won't help!!! :( Right after my first husband passed away probably 6 months I immediately had to start taking care of all my dad's needs. I did remarry and have a wonderful husband that helps so much but, it is beginning to effect both of us and especially me I have been caring giving for 16 years and working full time. My dad has lots of allergies especially corn so his diet is very restrictive, also he can not have gluten. I am so tired and I feel very trapped. I love my dad but I don't know what to do...... I just started counseling yesterday. My dad has a care giver for 4 hours Monday thru Friday, but on the weekends and dinner it is up to us, He has COPD and he does nothing for himself. We are very restricted as to what we can do and I am struggling really bad. Always feeling guilty about how I feel and very sad. Thank you

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My mother was placed in a nursing home following a huge stroke that left her unable to do even the simplest thing for herself. She hated it and I spent everyday hating it for her. I spent a lot of time trying to think of another way to handle her care and never could come up with anything doable. She couldn't sit up or roll over, she couldn't eat, couldn't so much as scratch an itch. So I had to make peace with the nursing home being the only viable option and then tried to make sure her care was good and that she had everything she needed. We regularly brought her back to her house, which was no small feat given her condition and took her on outings. Though she could physically no nothing she was mentally intact and we worked at making the situation the best it could be. I can't say the guilt ever left, but knowing we did the best we could made it bearable. Best wishes as you navigate this, it's never easy.
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I have not really spoke to him about it!! I worry because of his food allergies, I looked at nursing homes around here and they do not really have good ratings!! :(
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I don't think there is a way to get over the guilt. I know you are tired and that you've given so much of yourself that the well is running dry. People who have not been through it don't know how draining the last stages of life are on us both physically and emotionally. We know how bad they feel and we share their suffering. We want to fix it, but we can't. All we can do is make some meals and help them get about as they fade away. To me the mental exhaustion of watching my father and mother slip away is the worst part. I am so tired after 6.5 years. I can imagine how you feel after 16 years while you are still working.

You will feel guilty when you place him in a NH, but it could be that both you and he will feel better. You can never tell. Try to find him a nice place. I do know that you need a break and your father when he was younger would have understood. I don't know how he would feel about it now or if he is still able to understand. Have you talked to him about it?
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