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My mother is accusing a friend of 30+ years of being a spy and having had an affair with my stepdad, which is now passed. We know this is not true my mother wouldn't have put up with that and was married to my step dad for 40 years. It is breaking her friends heart that she can't see her. She wants to come and surprise my mother but my mother said she doesn't want her here in her house. My sister and I tried to explain to her friend my mom is not the person she knew anymore and to remember her like she was. We explain my mom has a heart condition and we don't know how her "surprised" would effect her. She keeps wanted to see her. Any suggestions would appreciate.

If possible, find a picture of mom and her friend and send it to her friend. Tell her that this is the best you can do as mom is delusional and agitated. The picture is the person you should remember. I'm sorry we can't allow you to see her but look at the picture and remember that she is your friend and she wouldn't want you to see her any other way.

Hospice is the end of life care and not for entertaining people who want to say goodbye. This is a time for immediate family only and you could add that we will keep you informed on her progress. If the friend values mom's friendship she can show her respects later.
I'm sorry for your family, Hospice can be lengthy and tiring for all.
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Reply to JuliaH
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You handle the untruths by ignoring them.

Your mother's friend either honors your wishes to not visit or you don't answer the door.

The Last thing you need in the midst of all this chaos is an old friend coming by to ask MORE questions or cause commotion when accused of being The Other Woman in an affair she's never had! This friend doesn't realize it, but she doesn't want to see mom in this condition. She'd be very sorry she came.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Just be firm with her and explain that it would be upsetting to Mom because of her illness. If she can't understand that, she's not being reasonable or kind.

My brother, who I adored, died a few years ago. When I found out he was ill, I wanted so much to go and see him (he lived a long distance from me). He didn't have dementia, but his illness and his pain affected him horribly. His daughter, my niece, is an RN and she asked me not to come visit, he was just too agitated and it wouldn't be good for him. It broke my heart that I would never see him again, but I wouldn't have defied her wishes for the world. It has to be about the ill and suffering one; their welfare is what matters. It's hard to witness this and say 'no'. You are your mom's hero doing what she needs. Stay strong.
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Reply to iameli
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If the friend really cares about your mother, she'll listen to you and not do anything that would upset her. It's sad and unfortunate but she needs to listen to you. Don't let the friend upset you. You can tell her that if your mother shifts her mindset at some point, you'll call her. If she persists, just don't answer her calls or texts or emails or whatever.
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Reply to MG8522
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No, you don't tell her that mom has a heart condition.
You tell her the truth, exactly, and tell her that mom isn't now, for the present, the person that her dear friend knows, or the mom you recognized and loved. She is sadly lost in the throes of an illness and cannot at present be helped.
You explain that a visit now from the friend would do harm to both your mother (which cannot and will not be allowed) and to the dear friend who remembers her love.

This is one of the very saddest things about the demented mind, that the loved one looks like the person who all our lives was so very dear to us, but is not that person.
Oliver Sacks used to say that they have a whole world. It just isn't our world.

If mom is having ongoing problems with many issues then time to speak with her MD about meds. Some times anti-anxiety meds or low dose anti-depressants help.

I am so sorry. This is heartbreaking but it is a fact and must be faced with kindness and honesty.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Flavia1 Feb 24, 2025
We have told my mom's friend about my mom accusing her of being a spy but not about the affair with my step dad. And my mother does have a heart condition. That is the reason she qualified for Hospice care. My mother has been on both types of meds you mention but did not do well with them. Thank you for your input.
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