10 months ago me and my husband became parents for the first time. It was incredible to realize that we are now parents and adjust to our new life. In our country maternity leave is almost a year and since then I have been staying at home most of the time. I was never getting along with my mother in law, she never saw me as a daughter in law. She always wanted her son to treat me as a woman from the past. Woman should be doing everything, while her son should rest every hour he is not at work. I never understood her and didn't want to communicate with her, we were living in different cities and everything was fine. Six months ago she was diagnosed with cancer. Since then she has been living with us, as in our city she could receive a better treatment. But since then she has been throwing her negativism and depression at me every day. I suffer from severe postpartum depression according to the doctor I went to... I believe the situation has helped a lot. I feel guilty about the way I feel about this woman, but she wants all our attention every minute. She stays with me all the time and she cries and explains how many things she was doing at once when she became a mother, how great she was and how "things changed now", "women are no longer what they used to be".
I feel emotionally ill, I don't know what to do and where to go. I have been thinking of moving out with the baby and starting work earlier.
My husband was understanding at first, but now he started to agree with his mom about everything. I am so depressed being around her, that it started to affect the baby.
I understand that she is depressed too realising she has cancer, I am really sorry I cannot help, but this keeps me and my relationahip ill too. How do you take care of someone you don't get along with?
Have you told your husband that you will leave? Surely he would put his wife and child before his Mother?
If you can afford it, do leave. It is not worth your mental health deteriorating.
She is not a nice person, regardless of the cancer. Try to get her out of your home firstly.
You need to find a doc who will prescribe antidepressants and refer you to a therapist for talk therapy. That is the gold standard for treating postpartum depression.
Please read what CountryMouse has written. Follow her advice.
Sharing the facts are not bad mouthing her. You need help surviving her and you need to share specifics to get that help, don't add anymore guilt that is not justified.
You have given this situation a chance and it hasn't worked, others aren't even willing to give it a chance.
Your son is the major priority, he has his entire life before him. As hard as it is, our youth is our future and they mustn't be sacrificed for any reason or person.
I was thinking of visiting my parents and stay there for a while just to clear my head a little bit.
My depression is not being treated as I stopped the antidepressants and stopped taking Xanax... I need to fix this.
There are also some things i have been procrastinating for ages which I was thinking of starting again. This may help my depression and anxiety.
I know that the problem will still be there, in my house, but I will talk to my husband once again, explain him the reason I am leaving, see what happens and leave him take care of her by himself. I will leave it on him to think of a solution.
My son indeed is my top priority!
Thank you once again for your support!
If going through this improved either her prospects or her quality of life, there *might* be a sacrifice that *might* be worth making. But it won't. All that happens is that two people suffer damage without either helping the other.
So. Where else might your MIL live and still have access to the treatment she needs?
I do realize it and I feel everyone suffering from this disease, I feel their family members too and their caregivers, please don't get me wrong. And I do feel bad about the way i feel!
Thank you for your support!
My MIL's depression is not being treated. They don't think that she needs to take more medications together with the therapy. The prognosis she has is 3-4 years. I started taking Xanax but I stopped as it makes me sleepy all the time and I need to take care of my baby boy.
I live in Eastern Europe. Here these issues are still quite common.
My MIL is not even trying to make our lives easier. She expects a 24/7 attention, someone to be appreciating everything she has done so far, someone should constantly repeat what a great boy she has raised and what a great mother she is.
The truth is that I am exhausted physically and emotionally now. I feel bad about me badmouthing her in a forum. This is because I was really looking for some support.
Thank you guys once again, your understanding made me cry!
You're in a complex and delicate situation. Normally it would be right and reasonable to expect your husband's complete support, come what may. What's different is of course the cancer diagnosis, and I don't think we understand enough about that to suggest how you might move forward to a better solution.
You certainly do need things to change, fast, urgently. Your MIL ought not to be living with you. Even if she does need access to the better treatment available in your city, there are still other ways to manage that than accepting her 24/7 presence in your house, where you AND your husband are still adjusting to parenthood.
But you can't say to a woman who is undergoing treatment for cancer "don't be so selfish" and expect her son - to whom the diagnosis may also have been a shock, and frightening, and depressing - to agree with you.
So: we need better ways to put it. Does your MIL have any kind of prognosis? Do you know how long this course of treatment will last?
Have a heart to heart talk with your husband and let him know how unhappy you are and that things need to change right away if this marriage is to have a future. Go from there.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer for a good outcome
Is the only reason she came to live with you is because you have maternity leave? When that is up, can she go live with another of her children?
The birth of a new baby is a game changer--especially a first baby. I don't doubt that having a negative constant flow from MIL is either causing this depression or making it much worse.
Sorry, not sorry, but MIL takes a backseat to you and baby at this time. Actually, from now on.
You need to get some help for the depression, I hope you have spoken to your dr about this and are getting help for it.
After that, you need to have a sit down with DH and let him know how you feel. I hate to be a negative nelly and say "MIL has to go or I will leave'--but sometimes that's exactly what may have to happen.
She can move to an apartment and sonny boy can help her out as needed, or there are paid Caregivers. Simple and clean. She should not be living in your house.
I know of what I speak: My MIL is a sick, twisted individual who has hated me for 45 years and now she has some dementia, she doesn't even TRY to be nice. I tried for years and years to be the perfect DIL and as long as I sat there and took her verbal abuse, things were 'fine'...but I hated being anywhere she was. Even on my 'best' behavior, she would be mean and hateful to me.
Sadly, she could have had a good friend in me, but now she states she can't bear the sight of me and I am not allowed in her home.
I WISH I could go back 45 years and stand up for myself, while setting clear boundaries and I WISH that DH could stand up to her. I, too, often thought of divorce--over HER! Luckily she never moved in with us, and had she done so, I would most assuredly have left.
Your family is you, Hubby and baby. MIL can be a wonderful, loving, helpful addition to this family--if she will try to be so.
I'm sorry she has cancer. I went through that last year. It made me so cranky and depressed--I was no use to anyone and actually got yelled at by my DIL--who felt I wasn't being 'social' enough. I just...couldn't. I wouldn't give her the option of 'if you do this or that, you can stay' it sounds like she is far too absorbed in herself to understand or make those changes.
Good Luck. Come back for support if you need us. I know it is very easy for us to give advice, and I have been given a LOT, but can be hard to follow through.
Wishing you the best. Go smell your baby's head and take a nap (if you can).
((Hugs))
I would start by making sure that he goes to the doctor with you and have the doctor explain what you are going through. Then you can address the behavior knowing that he knows this isn't you being difficult. My MIL drilled things into her children's heads that made it hard for their spouse's, because mama had said it all their lives, never once taking into consideration how blessed she was that she didn't have to suffer with physical ailments that she said were all fake because she never had any issues with it. This could be what your MIL is telling your husband, that you are making it up in essence.
I would avoid her and live my life, loving and protecting my child from her hatefulness. Go outside, go for walks, take naps, play in your room but avoid talking or listening to her garbage.
I would also recommend marriage counseling, because you are seeing that the male you married doesn't have your back in times of need. This should get addressed before you have more children and truly get stuck with someone that has no intention of doing better by you.
When is his mother supposed to go home? I would not agree to her staying, in fact I would find a studio apartment that is close to her treatments and encourage him to move her. That is what I would do.
First off, are you getting treatment for your depression? Antidepressants and talk therapy?
I've been down this road and you and your baby deserve for you to get the best treatment possible. Take care of that first.
Is your MIL's deoression being treated? Your husband needs to talk to mom's oncologist about that. It is not for you to manage.
Are ther Mommy and Me sorts of centers near you? Many libraries have story hours for little ones. Get out every day and find groups of parents with babies that meet for chat and play.
Is your husband giving his mother "lip service"? Is he seeming to be agreeing with her just to keep her from arguing?