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One day I went in to say good morning to DH aunt who didn’t want to get up from bed. I said something, don’t remember what now, but aunt sat straight up in bed in anger (we didn’t know she could even do that any longer) she pushed her face right up to mine and said something defiant. Her aide was looking on unsure what was about to happen. Spontaneously, I quickly leaned in and kissed aunt on the lips. She howled with laughter. She was no longer angry and got right up. I could easily have lost my temper when she wanted to have an argument but thankfully I didn't. To me, I have lost if I allow myself to get angry.
There is a fine line between anger and abuse. Verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse.
The care topic “violet behavior” beneath your question has great advice. Click on it and it will take you to an article and comments from others.
If you are talking about physical aggression, then you need to discuss this with mom's doctor.
If you mean verbal aggression, I have to overrule what has been my normal response of interaction and reaction (which only escalates things), and I've learned to just walk away. Not a word, I just turn around and walk away. I don't engage.
Example: Yesterday dh was having trouble with his belt, so he was frustrated. He is very picky about matching his clothes so I offhandedly mentioned that his shirt did not work his shorts as I was fixing his belt. He blew up -- and I turned around and walked out of the room. A few minutes later, I found him crying in the living room and he said he is so afraid of becoming an invalid and not even being able to dress himself any more and that's why he tries so hard to get dressed by himself every day. Needing my help was hard enough to ask for, and then I added what he perceived as correction regarding his clothing choices, and it put him over the edge. Walking away gave both of us a chance to get our minds in a better place.
It depends on the severity and what you are experiencing. I see a lot of different perspectives on here. making jokes, validating and redirecting only work on minor situations and for a caregiver who is not looking for advice on how to cope with it. From my personal bank of experiences with my father, I had to laugh at the thought of validating and redirecting when he had me by a handful of hair calling me stupid b*tch for trying to stop him pouring his milkshake on the carpet. If the aggression is mild physically or verbally then laughing it off, redirecting may work but try to steel yourself into expecting things just to be this way. Take moments away, walk around the block if you can etc. If the aggression, is hitting ,punching, hair pulling, demeaning language etc then you are being abused.. it doesn't matter who it comes from. you matter. I was constantly told it wasn't him, he couldn't help it etc, ..but that does not make the abuse any less. Then it is time for Medication, outside help so you can at least get a break, a facility etc but do not suffer at the hands of someone else if there can be an alternative found.
yes, I think this is why many say that, if there is physicality involved, at that stage it may be best that non-family are the caregivers for that elder. At that point you need a non related professional caregiver.
Aggressive behavior has to be medicated, or a facility won't accept the elder either! No Memory Care is going to accept a resident with aggression problems because the safety and peace of ALL residents is the main goal. Call "their" doctor and discuss the situation to see what medication is recommended, or if a geriatric psychiatrist consultation is advised.
If I've tried the redirecting or offering a drink or snack and nothing works, I will leave them alone especially if they are stuck in a loop. I will sit nearby until they've calmed down. To keep my feelings under control, i remind myself that the brain is broken. One thing I've noticed with dementia is that once they become fixed on an idea, or a feeling no matter how false, this is when validation comes into play. You have to come down to their level and go along with their topic even if you have to let the imaginary cat out in the yard to play.
When my father escalates in voice and bad behavior I force myself on to a figurative see saw. The more aggressive he becomes in tone and behavior the calmer and more even I become. That is not always easy for me and sometimes I blow it but he has given me enough practice that I've gotten much better at it lol
Good advice JudyBlueEyes, as it is a proven fact that folks suffering with any of the dementias, mirror the attitudes and moods of those around them. So if you go in with a smile on your face and a positive attitude, the odds are that your loved one will remain calm and in good spirits. And like you, if they start to get angry, just staying calm and positive can help diffuse the situation.
As many have pointed out, aggression is a common issue for individuals with cognitive challenges. For my father, his aggressive behavior started with me and eventually affected the staff at his assisted living facility. I worked closely with his neurologist, who adjusted his medication to address the aggression as the cognition declined. Although the aggression never completely vanished, these adjustments were successful in significantly reducing its severity.
My solution was to never engage, just say good bye and walk away. Your LO might not remember the incident tomorrow but you will and it will only create ressentiment.
Every person is different. It was rare my father would get upset enough to start yelling but when he did he would remind me he was my father as if that somehow meant he outranked me. If I was 17 I could see his point but I was in my late 40s so...NO. I found yelling back just as loud stopped him in his tracks. His mother was not a nice women and I think he was afraid of domineering women so for a brief moment I would become one.
This is what I do: I've learned that people with dementia "die as they lived" (Hospice Nurse Julie). So, my dad has always been a narcissist to all of us. I was raised to never talk back, or raise my voice, and do as you're told, etc. you know the drill. But now I'm 68yrs old and here 24/7 - just Dad and me! And that crap doesn't work for me any longer. So, I get the brunt of his moods every day. My Dad has moderate/severe lewy body dementia - he is 96yrs old. Hallucinates a lot - accuses me of losing his stuff (glasses are on your head Dad - sort of thing) Still wants to be active but that is mostly too difficult so he can be very rude (to say the least) Lately I've taken to the highest road I possibly can muster and that is when he blasts me over something, anything - I in turn answer him in the happiest voice I can manage, I'll say "well okeeeedokee dad" He'll fire back "What'd you say?!!!", and I'll say it again with a smile and a pat on his shoulder. Works every time for some reason. I have no idea why - but it's working for me. Sort of kill-em-with-kindness concept Hahahaha. I just find being overly nice to him all the time has made a vast improvement in his moods! Not sure why. But it has. Wishing you the best of luck with this!. Deep breath. Oh and I also, do "Release Your Fks meditations" with Yogi Bryan he's on Youtube for free (strong language used - I use his sleep meditation as well the non-strong language version - I feel better and can handle the stress more when I sleep well and release Fks!! That has helped immensely. lolol - Take care.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
There is a fine line between anger and abuse. Verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse.
The care topic “violet behavior” beneath your question has great advice. Click on it and it will take you to an article and comments from others.
If you mean verbal aggression, I have to overrule what has been my normal response of interaction and reaction (which only escalates things), and I've learned to just walk away. Not a word, I just turn around and walk away. I don't engage.
Example: Yesterday dh was having trouble with his belt, so he was frustrated. He is very picky about matching his clothes so I offhandedly mentioned that his shirt did not work his shorts as I was fixing his belt. He blew up -- and I turned around and walked out of the room. A few minutes later, I found him crying in the living room and he said he is so afraid of becoming an invalid and not even being able to dress himself any more and that's why he tries so hard to get dressed by himself every day. Needing my help was hard enough to ask for, and then I added what he perceived as correction regarding his clothing choices, and it put him over the edge. Walking away gave both of us a chance to get our minds in a better place.
Wishing you well.
making jokes, validating and redirecting only work on minor situations and for a caregiver who is not looking for advice on how to cope with it.
From my personal bank of experiences with my father, I had to laugh at the thought of validating and redirecting when he had me by a handful of hair calling me stupid b*tch for trying to stop him pouring his milkshake on the carpet.
If the aggression is mild physically or verbally then laughing it off, redirecting may work but try to steel yourself into expecting things just to be this way. Take moments away, walk around the block if you can etc. If the aggression, is hitting ,punching, hair pulling, demeaning language etc then you are being abused.. it doesn't matter who it comes from. you matter. I was constantly told it wasn't him, he couldn't help it etc, ..but that does not make the abuse any less.
Then it is time for Medication, outside help so you can at least get a break, a facility etc but do not suffer at the hands of someone else if there can be an alternative found.
Best of luck.
I was taught that validation is the first step and then redirect.
So if you go in with a smile on your face and a positive attitude, the odds are that your loved one will remain calm and in good spirits.
And like you, if they start to get angry, just staying calm and positive can help diffuse the situation.
My solution was to never engage, just say good bye and walk away. Your LO might not remember the incident tomorrow but you will and it will only create ressentiment.
Best wishes
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