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They live here now. Mom w Alzheimer’s, dad is fine, but is annoyed w her toilet issues. I put down boundaries years ago before anyone ever even got sick, that I was never going to do toileting or bathing. That’s my hard line. Grosses me out, makes me uncomfortable, it’s my boundary and it’s non-negotiable. I do a ton of other stuff though. All financial, taking mom for hair apt, doing her nails, having her over when he needs a break or a run to the store, eating with us, etc. I get that he gets overwhelmed. A caregiver comes 3x per week. I told him to do 5 days, but he won’t. Lots of other issues. But lately we aren’t on speaking terms. He barks orders at me, what I should do for my mom. I said how about a please, or a thank you. I say please to my kids when I ask them to do chores, and thank you, even if they are doing their responsibilities. He flat out said to me “you are never getting a please or thank you from me. Ever. You should WANT to do these things”. And a bunch of other nonsense about how I should feel the need to do these things for them in my soul or some nonsense. Actually, I have no desire to do any of it. I do anything I do for them out of a sense of daughterly responsibility and respect. But I get none in return. I have never hated someone more.

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Just because you did it, doesn't mean it can't be undone. Mom needs placement in a facility and dad can get an apartment somewhere.
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Reply to anonymous1768885
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Yeah, an in-law suite is top of the list for things never to do for our parents. I'm sorry you are in that situation.

AARP magazine pushes moving the parents in with the rest of the family. So do other articles I've read, and they are almost all laughable. You can tell that the advocates of the "one big happy family" method of aging in place have little knowledge of what happens when those smiling old folks baking cookies for the grandkids in their tiny house on the adult kids' property need REAL care. Like the Hoyer lift, incontinence care, and wandering. No mention of that!

Thanks for your post. It may be enlightening to those who need to know what it's really like.
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waytomisery Jun 27, 2024
I love the commercials where in 30 seconds a daughter gets her mother to agree to go to assisted living . DH and I are 0 out of 5 for it to go like that in our families . And I see number 6 coming up .
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I would tell him to learn or suffer the consequences of being a rude...because being civil and courteous to someone that has opened their home to you is a no brainer, so tell him that.

it is okay for you to tell him that your boundary has just been hit and it is now time to find long term care for mom and his ungrateful, unappreciative self. Please do not buy into the F.O.G. he is trying to create. He doesn't even want to do what is needed, so stuff the guilt trips dad!

Great big hug! This just gets harder and more challenging with moms disease and dad's personality, remember, they need you and that means playing nice and you are allowed to enforce this.
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JustShootMe Jun 27, 2024
I know all this in my head, but doesn’t ease the permanent ball of anxiety that’s lodged itself in my stomach. And day drinking is not an option. I mean raise your hand if you have vowed to all the powers that be that you will never do this to your children.
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When my FIL became noticeably overwhelmed dealing with his wife who had dementia , and he could not keep up with her demands , it was an alarm that the situation was not working any longer .
She had him all day long looking for things and bringing her the items she asked for just for her to tell him “ That’s not what I wanted , you can’t do anything right “. Then whenever FIL would “ help her “ when she couldn’t remember what she was to do next , she would blow up .

We also came to realize that FIL also was getting dementia and could not adequately supervise his wife any longer , and they were yelling at each other all the time . He even dropped her off at an airport ( to go visit her kids ) stuck her in a wheelchair and left . He had given her $10 to tip someone to push her through security and to the terminal gate. She was yelling help in the airport , and gave some Good Samaritan her phone to call her son .

In your case Dad is yelling at you , because he’s overwhelmed . The situation is not working any longer. He’s wanting you to do more .

Don’t do anymore than you are doing .
In fact …..A very wise social worker told me
“ Stop helping , let them fail , sometimes it’s the only way to get them to accept help from people other than family “.

If Dad is yelling and spewing nonsense he could be starting with dementia as well which is making it even harder for him to deal with Mom.

My mother’s doctor also told me that very often there comes a time when elderly ( especially with dementia) can not be cared for by family , especially daughters , because they will boss you around and treat you like their child and demand and expect you to be obedient with all their demands .

At a minimum Mom needs to go to memory care. Dad , to be determined ….
Maybe he will calm down not having to live with Mom.
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Onthehill Jun 30, 2024
Wow what kind of Dr. says that?!
“My mother’s doctor also told me that very often there comes a time when elderly ( especially with dementia) can not be cared for by family , especially daughters , because they will boss you around and treat you like their child and demand and expect you to be obedient with all their demands .”
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Anything that is done can also be undone. I wish you a path to peace in your home
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Justshootme. I've been laying down boundaries with Mom and my POA brother, who thinks that I'm supposed to do everything. It's been about 6 months, since I've really started with the boundaries.

Anyways first 3 months where peaceful for me because I didn't go to moms much. Then her additude started getting better. More tolerable and I didn't feel so much like her slave, but I still didn't bend over backwards for her, or for my brother.

And things where decent. But there has been issues. Recently my brother got an ear full from a friend of mine. That I'm considering bailing on them ALL for good. Which was true, and was getting even closer everyday.

So this week I go to moms, and mom is she laying on the kindness. Please , thank you, don't do to much now.
So we will see what happens next.

I will say I'll NEVER go back to the way things where.

Thanks to this forum and the amazing people I've been able to get my life back, after a mental breakdown and a ruptured disk, from just not caring about myself and having a bad fall.

Maybe your Dad needs a huge scare.
And listen to what we are all saying, best of luck to you, it's a horrible hard journey. Hope that was a little helpful, I didn't really answer your question.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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I actually got into it with my FIL a few times - when he would bark orders at SIL or DH and expect them to jump when he said jump. He barked an order one day and I said "PLEASE!" - he looked at me like I was crazy. "I said, say please, it's customary when you are ASKING someone to do something for you. And while we're at it - how about ASKING instead of demanding. My mother always taught me that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar - and it doesn't cost you a thing to have good manners"

He felt the same way - as if his children OWED him their last breath if he needed it.

But he was ALWAYS like that - ungrateful, unhappy, mean, abusive. When he got dementia, it got worse.
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Reply to BlueEyedGirl94
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Aside from occasional forgetfulness that all of us experience, my dad’s memory is fantastic, all abilities fully intact. There is no measurable cognitive decline (I say this with an in depth knowledge of cognitive assessments).
He’s angry and frustrated because he doesn’t want to care for his wife.
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funkygrandma59 Jun 27, 2024
If he's "angry and frustrated because he doesn't want to care for his wife", then tell him it's up to him to get her placed where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and he can quit being a pain in the a**.
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Give it back to dad. Meaning the whole truth. Tell him he oughta be damn grateful that a kid cares at all to take them in, and your hard line is that THEIR money takes care of the toileting issues. I would also stop spoiling your mom with beauty salon services. If they care so much, let them pay with their own money.
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If there is a door from your house to the In-Law Suite LOCK it.
Other than the help your are giving them now take on no more. Start delegating what you are doing to others.
As a matter of fact if you can get the caregiver to get mom to her hair appointment that might take some of the stress off.
Start calling in the grocery order, have it delivered and they can pay both delivery fee and for the groceries. (I am assuming they pay for their groceries already so it would be just delivery added on.)
If he can not handle toilet issues maybe it is time to tell him he either has a caregiver 7 days a week or you start looking for Memory Care for mom.

If he barks orders, walk away.
He is cognizant (I am assuming although that might be questionable) so tell him if he will not say Please and Thank You at least you expect him to be nice, cordial in the way he ASKS you to do something NOT tell you to do something. And when he asks you to do something do it when you have the time or inclination to do it. (If it is not an emergency)
(I am curious...when he is in a restaurant how does he treat the wait staff? Does he say please or thank you? If so the least he can do is treat you the way he would the staff in a restaurant. )
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