How do you handle dementia & intimacy?

OKKKKay, I know for sure this is not a topic my DH would share with a daughter. Dad may not really want it. Maybe too much work for him.

Problem is the sex drive in people with Dementia does increase and Mom probably thinks she is 20 again. I will tell u if she has a problem with dryness not something she may want to do.

Here you go, from the Social Care Institute for Excellence:

https://www.scie.org.uk/dementia/living-with-dementia/difficult-situations/sexual-expression.asp

Lalalalalalalacan't hear you - !

I'm not surprised you were thrown off when your father shared this private issue with you. He couldn't talk to his doctor???

It's a funny thing: the possession and expression of sexuality is one of the subheads of fundamental human rights, right up there with religious belief and family life, but - perhaps not all that surprisingly, really - it's a subject that receives a lot less attention than, say, dignity and privacy. What does our training tell us to do if our client wants to lie down and masturbate after a shower? Blush and leave the room? Make sure there are tissues to hand? No idea! The online courses don't go into detail.

There are some things it is nice not to know...

But to keep an appropriately straight face:
Your mother has a right to her sexuality.
Your father knows her habits and wishes in this respect a great deal better than anyone else possibly could.
By the way, he also has a right not to feel harassed or distressed by her demands.
I hope he isn't thinking of risking his health with any possible medical solutions.

It's complicated and delicate, and in all seriousness it might be best to speak to his doctor about it - ideally a geriatrician, and ideally one who is a conscientious champion of all those rights we hear so much about but see so little of in practice.

Sherry, if both your parents stopped sex aged just over 60, they were very unusual. I have doubts about the truth. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘organically impotent’, unless it was part of the treatment for prostate cancer. If not, it might simply be that he can’t keep an erection long enough to ejaculate.

As we hear regularly on the site, an increased sex drive is quite common in dementia, particularly for men. There is no reason why mother shouldn’t enjoy it. Father might too, so long as he doesn’t feel pressured, and he isn’t stressed about failure to perform.

For mother, I’d give her a vibrator, and tell both of them to try using it together. Some women live their entire lives never having had an orgasm. Make it sound normal, clean, easy and nice, not something furtive.

For Dad, it depends on his problem, and it would be good for him to talk to an older male doctor. If he gets an erection but can’t keep it, he could try a penile ring. Like a soft elastic bank, it fits over the body end of the penis. Blood flows into the penis through the artery, and the ring stops it flowing out again through the veins. It all lasts longer. It’s also easy to get off. They cost about $5 on Ebay. Some men of your father’s age try viagra on doctor’s prescription, even just once to experiment. It helps, and isn’t all that dramatic. Some (like my DH) try it just out of curiosity! If none of that works, your mother can just try stroking his genitals. He probably still has nice sensations down there, and it can make things mutual while they both try the vibrator.

I’m being frank because why not? We should try to make the best of the things that still work – so much doesn’t!

They may procreate a demented baby. Keep them apart.

Mutual masturbation is a thing, and even carolwright.com sells dildos and vibrators. They should be able to mutually pleasure if that’s what he wants too.

This is an excellent article about dementia and sexual intimacy

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4980403/