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The most embarrassing question ever! My mom has dementia & we recently moved her & Dad to an independent senior living for extra care & family support a month ago. She has been asking & wanting sexual intimacy with my 82-yr-old Dad. (They haven’t done that in at least 20 yrs according to Dad) He is organically impotent & frustrated my mom is suddenly having desire for him! Apparently they tried & she feels rejected & upset with him because he couldn’t perform. They have been married for 59 yrs… I was thrown off that he even shared this private info with me & told him to try EXTRA kisses, holding hands, & compliments throughout the day. His response was “I think that might get me into more trouble!” Lol! Any suggestions for my Dad? Appreciate the feedback to my awkward question!

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This is an excellent article about dementia and sexual intimacy

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4980403/
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Sherry3 Apr 2022
THANK YOU!🙏🏻
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Mutual masturbation is a thing, and even carolwright.com sells dildos and vibrators. They should be able to mutually pleasure if that’s what he wants too.
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They may procreate a demented baby. Keep them apart.
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lealonnie1 Apr 2022
That is a seriously foul comment and sad attempt to joke about a real issue. 😐
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Sherry, if both your parents stopped sex aged just over 60, they were very unusual. I have doubts about the truth. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘organically impotent’, unless it was part of the treatment for prostate cancer. If not, it might simply be that he can’t keep an erection long enough to ejaculate.

As we hear regularly on the site, an increased sex drive is quite common in dementia, particularly for men. There is no reason why mother shouldn’t enjoy it. Father might too, so long as he doesn’t feel pressured, and he isn’t stressed about failure to perform.

For mother, I’d give her a vibrator, and tell both of them to try using it together. Some women live their entire lives never having had an orgasm. Make it sound normal, clean, easy and nice, not something furtive.

For Dad, it depends on his problem, and it would be good for him to talk to an older male doctor. If he gets an erection but can’t keep it, he could try a penile ring. Like a soft elastic bank, it fits over the body end of the penis. Blood flows into the penis through the artery, and the ring stops it flowing out again through the veins. It all lasts longer. It’s also easy to get off. They cost about $5 on Ebay. Some men of your father’s age try viagra on doctor’s prescription, even just once to experiment. It helps, and isn’t all that dramatic. Some (like my DH) try it just out of curiosity! If none of that works, your mother can just try stroking his genitals. He probably still has nice sensations down there, and it can make things mutual while they both try the vibrator.

I’m being frank because why not? We should try to make the best of the things that still work – so much doesn’t!
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Sherry3 Apr 2022
Yes…they stopped making love due to marital problems (no affairs) at that time, but they were always loving & we constantly saw PDA growing up. Dad just stopped getting erections & it wasn’t important to their love life as they aged, gained weight, sleep disruption, knee replacements etc. Us kids would tease & laugh with them about their active sex life growing up, & they would tell us “We don’t do that anymore, we’re too tired” LOL! I believe Moms dementia is taking her back to her “SEXIER TIMES” Dad had throat cancer last year & is also still recovering from. I appreciate all the feedback & plan on sharing every bit of goodness I get from this wonderful support group & site! & I hope I can still have sex in my 80’s too! Thank you!
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Lalalalalalalacan't hear you - !

I'm not surprised you were thrown off when your father shared this private issue with you. He couldn't talk to his doctor???

It's a funny thing: the possession and expression of sexuality is one of the subheads of fundamental human rights, right up there with religious belief and family life, but - perhaps not all that surprisingly, really - it's a subject that receives a lot less attention than, say, dignity and privacy. What does our training tell us to do if our client wants to lie down and masturbate after a shower? Blush and leave the room? Make sure there are tissues to hand? No idea! The online courses don't go into detail.

There are some things it is nice not to know...

But to keep an appropriately straight face:
Your mother has a right to her sexuality.
Your father knows her habits and wishes in this respect a great deal better than anyone else possibly could.
By the way, he also has a right not to feel harassed or distressed by her demands.
I hope he isn't thinking of risking his health with any possible medical solutions.

It's complicated and delicate, and in all seriousness it might be best to speak to his doctor about it - ideally a geriatrician, and ideally one who is a conscientious champion of all those rights we hear so much about but see so little of in practice.
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Sherry3 Apr 2022
THANK YOU! ☺️
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Here you go, from the Social Care Institute for Excellence:

https://www.scie.org.uk/dementia/living-with-dementia/difficult-situations/sexual-expression.asp
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OKKKKay, I know for sure this is not a topic my DH would share with a daughter. Dad may not really want it. Maybe too much work for him.

Problem is the sex drive in people with Dementia does increase and Mom probably thinks she is 20 again. I will tell u if she has a problem with dryness not something she may want to do.
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lealonnie1 Apr 2022
Why would her mom be asking for sex if she 'has a problem with dryness?'
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Sherry, I would print out this thread & put it in an envelope for dad's reading pleasure. That way, you don't have to actually 'discuss' the suggestions with him directly, yet he'll get them a different way.

It's very common for folks, male & female both, to have a heightened sex drive when dementia comes into the picture. There's nothing 'abnormal' about it except if it becomes an obsession with mom and/or she's demanding dad 'perform'; then you have a problem. If that scenario happens, dad needs to contact mom's neurologist and let him know mom is exhibiting ISB or Inappropriate Sexual Behavior; meds can be prescribed to calm her down a bit. If a man were acting aggressive towards his wife, such a thing would be unacceptable; same goes if a wife is acting aggressive towards her husband. Same rules apply. Even if that's not the scenario now, it COULD be down the road, and it's something dad should be aware of. Ariadnee gave you a good link to the topic in your first response.

Best of luck!
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Sherry3 Apr 2022
Thank you!
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Your dad is 82 years old and hasn't had sex in 20 plus years. At this point you mom needs to leave him alone. If she needs to be medicated to control her instincts then so be it.

This is more proof to me that human beings are programmed creations at the mercy of their brains defective or not.

I don't get the whole rah rah mentality of sex when a person is 80 plus years old. Why the obsession with getting off at that advanced age? As if getting off is some kind of accomplishment.

And as to the dryness question about mom. She has dementia so it's not like lubrication of that area has probably crossed her mind.

Maybe it's time to separate mom and dad from each other in different living arrangements.
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Sherry3 Apr 2022
Oh NOOO! Separating them would be too cruel…married 59 yrs & never apart. I will definitely be checking with neurologist, but appreciate your input.
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It makes as much sense (or as little sense) to question “whole rah rah mentality of sex when a person is” 18 years old as 80 years old. That’s the way God made us, mate.

I’m startled by the references to lubrication. Dryness is absolutely common as you age, and lubricants are in every supermarket (top shelf next to the condoms) and chemist. I’ve needed them since the menopause! I’d be genuinely surprised if any of us older posters in a functioning relationship DON’T need them.
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sp19690 Apr 2022
Yes at 18 you are full of hormones at 80 not so much. Yes we were made to procreate. Some have higher testosterone levels than others. The demented brain who knows why some become sex obsessed and others not at all.

As for the lubrication I was pointing out that it probably would not occur to a woman with dementia to use a lube before hand. At that stage they have deteriorated to an almost animal like state where they just obey their urges without considering all the mechanics.
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Dementia can make a person lose inhibitions and release his/her animal instincts in a more open way. It's not normal human sex. Strange than some people in forum find it "romantic".
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lealonnie1 Apr 2022
Wasn't one foul comment ENOUGH from you???? SMH
What makes this not "normal human sex" if 2 humans are having sex? If one has dementia? You seem to classify dementia patients as some sort of sub human species, based on your heartless comments plastered all over this forum.

Sherry, are you planning to forgive yet another masterpiece of a comment? 🤐
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You should not be embarrassed by asking your question, as sex is a very normal part of most relationships and especially those that are married, regardless of age. It is a gift from God and should be treated as such.
If your dad can no longer perform sexually, I think that he(regardless of moms dementia)should at least try and pleasure her best he can. There's a lot he can be doing without the actual act of intercourse you know. Or does he just not want to as if he can't be pleasured, he doesn't want her to be either?
I understand that most children do not want to know or even think about their parents having sex(or as I like to call it making love)but the romantic in me likes to think that most if not all still do regardless of age.
I am 62 years old and was not able to make love to my husband for 24 1/2 years of our 26 year marriage due to him having a massive stroke. And now that he's gone I look forward to(in a loving relationship)making love for many years to come, and if I'm lucky until I die.
So it's not just people with dementia that enjoy sexual pleasure, but it's us every day Joes(and Josephine's)as well.
I'm hoping your parents can get things figured out, and just enjoy each other best they can.
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sp19690 Apr 2022
Why should he? Do you tell women who are caring for their sex obsessed husband's that they should just pleasure him anyway? I doubt this would be a one and done with his wife. More than likely she wouldn't remember him having done anything anyway. Talk about ground hog day.

The dad already is upset about this new fixation by his wife. If it was as easy as him pleasuring her only i am sure he would have taken care of it.

Why is this cool with everyone when a demented person wants unlimited sex but their hallucinations, obsessions, etc are all not cute and fun?

This is not a gift from god it is a curse of a broken brain in this woman's case. So sad that me and Tchamp and a few others can see this.
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Maybe he could get some Viagra. Seriously.
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sp19690 Apr 2022
He is 80 and a heart patient. I would not advise him to take Viagra. Though i suspect you are being tongue and cheek with your comment. 😇
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Hi Sherry,
Your dad sounds like a sweety and your mom a horny old lady, lol Kinda like me and my Mike. I wanted him but because of a glandular problem, there was nothing we could do so we did alot of cuddling watching TV and holding hands and I was quite happy with that. Your mom probably will respond well to that and maybe flowers, perfume or candy the odd time? It never hurts. lmao.
My two cents.
Temper
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AngieGuido74 Apr 2022
Hi, I think that was mentioned and the husband said he didn't want to make it worse. then what?
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Please get him an appointment with a urologist. It is possible to have intimacy in the senior years - with help. His urologist would be his best source to locating any aids your father wants. Also, it might help for your father to focus on what mom truly wants. Forgive my bluntness. Find out if it is orgasm, penetration, cuddling and kisses... She may be saying "sex" when she really just wants to be held or touched.
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Cemay1 Apr 2022
It is the dementia speaking, not the original person who inhabited the body of the woman. ED medication, assisting appliances, etc. simply aren’t the right thing since it would be like having intimacy with a child.

I think that the important aspect is to continue to hug and kiss the spouse and make them feel loved but their inhibitions are gone. They are sick. It would be inappropriate to pursue this aspect of the relationship.
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Dad may not want to have sex in general or not with mom in particular, particularly if he is dealing with her incontinence or his own. If there isn’t desire, neither viagra nor any other Ed drug will work.
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I've worked in the medical field in various capacities, including evaluating on line web sites for a major cancer center to link to on their web site. Hence the link/info here-near the begining of this thread-and this reply bounces up here.
We're caregivers, who are so often told, "Oh, you need more help, blah, blah, blah..." annnddd.....ya know if even a smidgen of this were followed through and we got the help we so very, very desperatly need, it would be amazing. So, here we are, and I will try to help as best I can, cause it certainly gets crazy in the wilderness of caregiving.
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Maybe a little viagra for dad?
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sp19690 Apr 2022
The dad doed not want to do anything with his wife. He's 80 if he hasnt tried viagra by now then obviously he has no interest in having sex with his wife who has dementia. Why is that so hard for people to understand? Why are people so hell bent on getting this 80 year old man to do this against his own desires and wishes? I doubt if it was the husband with dementia if people would be finding solutions for the wife to do it anyway.
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Not mentioned in that article, but if your mom is seeking skin contact (in adults, comes with sex, usually), perhaps a female massage therapist might provide some gentle non sexual touching and you could see if this seems to relieve the urgency of your mom's desires. No idea if it would help, but easy to try.
Or maybe start with hand/forearm massage, or foot soak and lotion to feet.
Someone with dementia is touched by care staff to provide care, but the focus is cleanliness and not comfort. Good for you for being able to hear your dad's distress and reach out for suggestions on how to manage this rarely mentioned topic.
Hoping this stage passes quickly.....
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Sherry3 Apr 2022
Thank you!
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Toys?
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I, 66 y.o., male, am in a similar situation. At times, not frequently, my bride who is living with Alzheimer’s (67 y.o.) also wants sex. Her dementia is severe. So when the subject comes up I often deflect the conversation and she forgets about it. It’s not that I don’t want sex, I do. But I find it difficult to share intimacy with some who has a brain that is riddled with disease. In a very small way my bride knows she wants sex, but she has a brain that is, developmentally, somewhere between the ages of 5-10 years old. I just can’t do that. Maybe this is my own emotional state. But I feel like I would be taking advantage of a child.
This is a very tough situation for both your mom and dad. I understand your dad’s feelings.
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TChamp Apr 2022
Basic primitive biological instincts become exposed after the higher functions of the brain are lost in dementia. Those primitive biological instincts are the last ones to go. This type of sex urges aren't normal or romantic at all. The person with dementia is even incapable of recognizing who the partner is. The loss of inhibition exposes sexual and also aggressive instincts in cases of advance dementia. It's seen more often in vascular and fronto-temporal dementias. Pretending to consider "normal" those sexual urges, is like accepting as normal the bouts of aggression that some patients display. Those are primitive, almost animal survival instincts that are located very deep in the brain structure. Therefore, they are the last ones to be destroyed in dementia.
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Why is it okay to force a man who is either unwilling or unable or both to have sex? I understand your dad's unwillingness to participate in intimacy with his wife who has dementia. Having sex with anyone, spouse or whomever, who is cognitively challenged is outside my personal moral boundaries. Being intimate with a cognitively impaired loved one would cause me great emotional distress and harm. Forcing me to perform acts that are personally degrading would kill me. I feel so sad for your dad. His talking with you about this very personal subject reveals how tormented he is feeling. He loves your mom; otherwise, he wouldn't be torn. He would just "mate" and call it good. His life with your mom is challenging enough without the constant nagging for sex by his intellectually compromised spouse. In my case, I moved to the guest bedroom. Sharing the same bed with my husband who has moderate Alzheimer's was too confusing and tempting for my husband. I saved my sanity by removing myself from the shared bedroom environment.
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MarleysMom Apr 2022
I appreciate this answer. I struggle with the intimacy question with my 58 yo moderate ALZ husband. We have been intimate recently but it doesn't seem right for me and gets worse each time. He is not the man I married (acts more like a tweener than not) and needs help. And this desire started after a hiatus of three years. I dread going to bed but he won't go to sleep without me. And he wants it most nights. I care for him in every way except this. It is just too much for me (I also have a sister that has dementia and manage her situations as well) because I am always tired! I have tried separate bedrooms but he just looks for me and wakes me up. I love him and care for him, but dementia makes him a different person and I am not comfortable with it.
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A lot of people have suggested that Dad needs to find a way to "help her out." Well...I know from experience that here is just a real turn-off about the prospects of being intimate with someone who has a messed-up brain. Sorry if that term offends anyone, but it is meant to encompass a variety of problems. The idiot I got stuck with is a germophobe. Has been for all of our miserable marriage. The garbage I have had to deal with has resulted in a complete and total lack of desire for any intimacy with him.
If someone just has no desire for intimacy with a person with a broken brain, they should have the right to say no. Brain disorder driven sex drive is a real turn off. If it was reversed, and it was a man wanting it against the woman's wishes, nobody would be trying to force this on her.
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Hypersexuality is part of Alzheimer's and maybe other dementias. My 91 year old husband suddenly ( after 20 years of no sex due to age, diabetes, meds etc.) wanted sex with me. He couldn't get an erection of course, but had the desire and was convinced he would be able to if I would just cooperate. After spending the day cleaning urine and feces off of every surface in the house, and changing wet, soiled clothing and bedding several times a day, I didn't have much interest in futilely messaging a limp penis to give him his jollies. Yes, I felt badly about not giving him what he wanted, but I felt like I had some rights and boundaries for my life too. Everything else in my life was about his comfort and well-being. I tried to divert, and let him rub my thigh as I checked his glucose nos, 3 times a day, and he got some sort of little thrill with it.
It is just part of the disease as inhibitions are destroyed, and along with it went modesty, and any sense of inappropriate sexual behavior. I caught him trying to fondle cute young nurses attending to him, and when I challenged him he just grinned; he thought he was cute. All of this from a man who had always been a perfect gentleman, and who never even cursed, and would leave the room if something too racy occurred on TV or in a conversation. It broke my heart, but you just know it it the disease, and try to show affection other ways. Lots of hugs, lots of I love yous and reassurances .
Blessings to the husband; he deserves his privacy, and should just gently reassure her he loves her and try to divert her attention. No great answers like with so many behaviors care takers deal with.
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Lovemydoggies Apr 2022
You nailed it--"There are no great answers like with so many behaviors care takers deal with." Caring for your loved one with dementia 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 months a year isn't enough? Do we also have to "pleasure" them when we don't want to? Because our loved ones have diseased minds, are we expected to sacrifice our morals, self-respect, and dignity by engaging in vicarious sex with them because they want to, without regard for consequences to our psyche?

I have been married to my husband for over 56 years. We enjoyed an active and satisfying physical relationship for 55 of those years. When my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and his constant sexual advances made me ill, I had to distance myself from him physically for me to survive and to continue caring for him. Moving to a separate bedroom from my husband has enabled me to function as a caregiver to my husband. 

When I can no longer care for my husband, I am moving him to a Memory Care facility. If he finds a consenting female resident in Memory Care and she and he mutually "comfort" each other, I will be thrilled. But as long as I am cognitively competent, it isn't going to be me.
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Maybe someone could explain this to her: just because he is physically unable to perform does not mean he doesn't want her or find her attractive. The desire is there, the ability is not. He still loves her just as much. The fact that he tried shows that he wants to. I know because my boyfriend is impotent too and in the beginning I made the mistake of taking it personally, thinking he wasn't attracted to me or that he didn't want me. I know better now. We are only 54 and 59. A man can become impotent at any age. I hope this helps.
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TChamp Apr 2022
Neither of you suffers from dementia. Sexual dysfunction is not dementia.
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@Sherry3, have your dad buy a strap on: I quote from below linked article:

“Wearing…strap-on harnesses can allow folks with penises who have erectile dysfunction or who have had their prostates removed to have sex with and please their partner in the way they are used to,” explains sex and relationships educator Sarah Sloane…”

Whole article from Healthline:
https://www.healthline.com/health/health-sex/finding-harness-dildo-pegging
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I wish I didn't have such a vivid imagination.
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Some answers here are candid, funny, and almost soft-porn. Lol.
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Would your Mom be competent in using a vibrator? I’m not the expert, but masturbation may help relieve anxiety associated with dementia.
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Cover99 Apr 2022
If she has not dried up down there.
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Teepa Snow. The woman may or may not have the answer for you, however, she is the voice of sanity in all things dementia and will have some kind of solution or approach that could help.
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