How do you deal with someone who will not go to Dr. to get diagnosis and doesn't do anything for themselves?

Can you please give us more details? Is this your parent? How old are they? What type of diagnosis? Are they living with you? Thx

If they've always been that way, you can't change them.  What is the logical consequence?
If and when he/she becomes a danger to self, and needs an ambulance, perhaps you can tell hospital social worker they need to be placed.

This is probably not a popular answer...but in my situation with same stubborn, in denial family members..I step back and have to wait for something really bad to happen, because that is when they will do something. I was stressing myself out, worrying and trying to help, but could not. People have to make their own decisions and own the consequences. YOU have to realize that you are doing the best you can and not own any guilt, ok? Best wishes.

Bellini, try this just as an exercise to see how it makes you feel.

What about: what if I stop trying to deal with this person?

I'm assuming this is your sister that's worrying you. You have tried and tried and tried, and it has made no difference to her wellbeing.

Or rather, it's made no improvement: it may possibly even be that the attention she gets from your constant efforts reinforces her habit of self-sabotage.

Stop, and see what happens. You can always intervene if it's anything worse.

If the answer is that the person has always been that way, I think that is the answer. I doubt much will change as the descent into age gets more and more difficult.
You may have to take the advice of ML4444 and just step back until "it happens". You can imagine what "will happen" all you like, but when it happens it is always a different thing. Deal with it then. It is easier than dying 1,000 deathes now imagining it.

I'll double down on the "wait for something to happen" . .Again, in my case.
I should've NOT helped my mom move back into her home after her hospital/rehab stay: installing grab bars, removing rugs, auto-lights (for night-time), making the downstairs livable as one unit . .. and a myriad of other things I did for her in her house. No to mention I made seven 600 mile round trips in 2 months, and spent some of my $$ to get her back home. Looking back. BIG MISTAKE.

At first, she was extremely thankful and so happy to be back in her home! But then when she realized all the changes, OMG, the rath I got from her! Even her friends (the two she has left) are in shock at how she badmouth's me after seeing all that I did for her. Actually, I'm not sure she has those friends anymore, although I am in contact with them.

Cripes. Now, I can't even get near her. She's changed all the locks - yeah . can you believe that?? So, I'm just waiting for that phone call .

It hurts, but what else can I do?

I tried to get her to go to the doctor to get her brain evaluated. That failed. She hates doctors. Yet her distain for doctors is what made her end up with a $10K hospital bill and a $12k bill for in-home care. Medicare turned down her pay because her hospital episode was totally preventable. It was.

So, now I just wait. But everyday now is torture for me in a way. So, I feel your pain. But really, all you can do is sit back and wait for something to happen.

Next time my mom gets admitted to the hospital, I will make sure she won't be able to return to her unsafe home and way of life in her elderly stage of life.
She will have earned it.

You've gotten good advice as i see it....and reminds me of a saying i heard many years ago....
"Lack of planning on your part does not mean an emergency on my part." So another's lack of action does NOT mean it has to become my problem/emergency. And it's not that one does not care about the other person. Encouraging a person to take control & responsibility for themself is a caring thing to do.
I acknowledge that it is personally painful to watch the other needy person struggle, but that is how that person can grow.

You say that the more you do to help her, the less she does for herself. I think that you do see the pattern quite clearly. So then the answer is not to do so much for her, because thereby you are actually harming her. Stay away for a while. When she calls ask her what she is doing for herself and what progress she is making. I would make it clear to her that she is responsible for herself. She is still relatively young. You are not specific about what you seem to feel are some failings of the mind, but this could just be a sort of learned helplessness going on. Time to let her do things for herself; encourage independence. We will all go toward dependence should we have to live so long; but while able we should be encouraged. It truly is, as we age, a matter of use it or lose it.

Hi Bellini
i have a friend who has a sister about the age of yours. She’s not a recovering drug addict or bipolar but she is a lottery player and she suffers from a form of “learned helplessness”. That is what the therapist called it.
Her elderly husband died and she called her siblings to let them know. He was still working in his 80s. She had seen neither sibling in many years. To make a long story short, she was about to lose her home and my friend agreed to help her out financially in exchange for her going to therapy weekly. It’s been two years and she does seem better than she was because of the therapy. She does see her primary, is diabetic, keeps up with all of that fine. So she has a diff set of problems from your sister but the bottom line is if you are going to help her, figure out how she can contribute. You may need to go to a therapist yourself to work through this. My friend did. She could easily afford to pay all her sisters bills but she refuses to enable her to play the lottery and live under a bridge. Come here for support. Figure out what you are willing to do and then set that boundary that includes action on her part. That will help you to not give in when she puts the pressure on. Make sure she isn’t still using and playing you. Those old behaviors are hard to break. If no one else will tolerate her then I’m sure the pressure she puts on you is considerdablr.

Does she throw a tantrum when you won't help her? Because this is how they get their way. Also I agree with the learned helplessness thing. Be strong, and in turn you will help her to be strong. Good luck.

Tell her to be her own doctor. Research nutrition, lifestyle, and alternate forms of healing. Then leave her be, since she won't listen to you.

I suggest you go to a Co-dependency support program for friends/family of alcoholics/drug abusers. Just because your sister is "clean" does not mean that her thinking is. You need strategies for "helping her" that do not lead to resentment or co-dependency.

Feel free to give her doctor contact information and let her make her own appointments. When she brings up how ________ prevents her from doing so, remind her that she is responsible for her own life choices and their consequences.

If you are a person of faith, offer to pray for her.... then do so, on the spot.

For your own peace of mind - ask your sister how she would like you to help her.
65 is not old, I am 67 - maybe she just wants to be loved and hugged.

Personally, I do not wish to go to the doctor either - but I like to be hugged.

If she is competent she can choose not to go to the doctor. I would tell her that she has the right not to go but she has to live with the consequences of her decision. Tell her that you are willing to help but if she refuses to go to one more doctor's appointment you are done.

Also, I live in Missouri here we have doctor's that will go to a patient's home and do a visit. I wonder if that might be something she would be more open too?

There has to be motive regarding her position on getting medical attention. It could be a problem with finances or trust, or a combination of them. I don't believe it's her way of getting back at you on a conscious level. Since she trusts you enough to tell you that she won't go to a physician, thats good. It beats making appointments with no intention of going, correct?

You have to set boundries now. Your disability will not get better probably. I assume you live with ur daughter because of financial reasons so u really can't help there.

Your sister can now get Medicare. She needs to sign up if for it or there will be penalties. If she is low income, she can apply for Medicaid health insurance for her secondary. Dental, perscription and Vision are included. As is transportation help. So she will be good there. You then can call Office of Aging. Ask if they can help your sister find resources. O of A usually has buses that will take people to appts and shopping. They maybe able to help with the Medicaid application. Give sister phone numbers of doctors you feel she needs to see. Its up to her whether she calls or not.

Please, don't expect the person she lives with to do anything. At least your sister isn't homeless and living on the streets. Maybe this person recognizes that there is nothing she can do for ur sister. It is not easy caring for someone who fights u at every turn.

Good for your daughter. She has set a boundary. I would suspect sister is BiPolar too. She probably self medicated with drugs. My cousin its alcohol. And the years of using probably have fried her brain. Sorry to say, she has made her bed whether her fault or not. All you can do is be there when she crashes. At that time, let the state step in. Let them become her guardian. Things will go a lot better when they are in charge in finding what she needs. You are not responsible for her financially.

That was my mom because "I'm the daughter of a doctor."  And?  So she didn't go to the doctor, and I am a nurse, and she ignored my advice, and things got worse, and NOW that I am her POA and Guardian, she is paying for all of this BIG TIME because she ignored my advice and she has significant health issues.  Now, I'm in charge, and she DOES go to the doctor(s).  It isn't pretty!  "I told you so" aptly applies.

Your sister I probably afraid of going to doctors b/c they might find things medically wrong with her or give her advice she doesn't want to follow. What is she asking you to help her with? Day to day chores and errands or medical symptoms?

If she complains repeatedly about "medical" symptoms but doesn't follow through with a doctor, tell her to "Either stop complaining or do something about it." That something meaning see a doctor.

I confess I have to tell MYSELF that sometimes.

I think it may be time not only to set boundaries in terms of what you will do as well as some tough love. If she independent in her activities of daily living, then she needs to care for herself to maintain her functionality. In terms of cooking,housekeeping,and laundry, again if she is independent, she should continue to do as much as she can do. Contacting the your local area agency on Aging may be helpful in obtaining services for her and removing you as a caregiver. A caregiver support group may be of value as well as educating yourself about how to handle someone with dementia ( the Alzheimer's Association has information on the various types of dementia). Lastly, I would suggest speaking with her physician about your issues with her. You can't make her do anything but nor should you be compromised by her behavior.

i went through addiction with my elderly mom for almost a decade. Other's in my family have been addicted to drugs , alcohol, or other things that I don't know of. You can't make someone recover, you can't make someone get better . You can only do so much for someone. If nothing changes, you need to distance yourself from your sister. Weather it's moving out of the house, her getting a caregiver in the house, assisted living, nursing home, rehab... Something needs to change . ASAP! Her age, has no excuse for her behaving the way she is. You matter too. If she doesn't listen to any advice you offer her, slowly back off. Your life matters. Don't sacrifice your happiness, for someone else's , misery .

PM for help through an organization called Reformers Unanimous, which addresses all stubborn habits. She can get help if she wants it.

Llamalover47

"The more I do to help her the less she does to help herself."

Tell THAT to every health professional that is involved, Doctor, hospital social worker, area of aging etc.

You have seen & lived it & you got it!

It took me a while to come to this realisation with MY sister - but that is exactly it! Now my eyes are open & while HER situation has not improved, I am doing so much better as the guilt is dissolving. I am no longer thinking "I have to do it all for her"... buy groceroes, drive where she needs to go, make her attend appointments - all the endless needs.

Now I am thinking "I will be her advocate" to speak up for her when her life crumbles ie boat starts sinking. Better for both of us if I am off the sinking boat. I can be on shore waving for help.

Let her Go. She is not Going to Go by being Pushed. When Something does Sadly happen, Be there for her, With your Continued Support.

There are people who need help and maybe they know it but they are stubborn and selfish and maybe afraid of what "help" consists of so they don't cooperate. Explain to them what will happen if they don't get appropriate health. And if they still refuse, let them lie in the beds they create - in filth and despair, etc. It is NOT your fault. If they are so stupid and stubborn, they deserve to reap what they are sowing. Be strong, get up and move on and don't look back. It is not worth wasting your time and efforts for those who absolutely refuse to help themselves. Have a good life and look after you. There is NO other solution that will work.