My mother is showing signs of declining memory sometimes not knowing where she is even though she’s lived in the same town for 50+ years
also having trouble with mobility. Unstable on her feet.
She is very uncooperative/stubborn

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When I go for my wellness exams I'm asked many questions about my wellness in my home, such as if I need help with cooking and groceries, how stable I am on my feet and such. If your mom's doctor could let her know that she should not live alone and give the precise reasons (in writing), perhaps she will listen and agree. Unstable on her feet? She needs a walker before she falls and breaks something.
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"She is very uncooperative/stubborn."

Then think very carefully about whether or not you want her to live with you ("Yes, live with me or an assisted living facility")!!

Many, many posters who bring their elders to live with them end up regretting it.
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There was NO convincing my mom. Falling multiple times a day, needing my boys to come get her up (she was dead weight, I couldn’t lift her) and I could go on & on. I even tried getting APS involved! We started calling EMT’s to pick her up, I begged them to turn her in to APS (they sad they couldn’t). It came down to her injuring her back so severely that she needed back surgery, after which she had no use of her right leg at all. Ended up no disputing needing 24/7 care after that. Actually, she thought someone could just put her to bed at night, leaving her alone & coming back in the morning.

It’s such a battle! You have my full sympathy.
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Are you looking for advice on convincing her that it would benefit her to move into your home?
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Beachena Aug 2019
Yes, live with me or an assisted living facility
I’ve just traveled this road. You most likely will not be able to convince mom she no longer can live on her own. My mother insisted up to day placed in board/care she was fine, and didn’t need people meddling in her life.
If you don’t have a Durable POA, do so quickly. If have not done so arrange to speak privately with her doctor regarding your concerns. Then schedule appointment where you can be with mom during doctor visit. Once you have a diagnosis for your mother it won’t necessarily be easier, but have a better idea of what needs to be done for mother. Keep in mind if there is cognitive decline you will not be able to reason with mom. She most likely disagree to any changes to living arrangements.

If it’s decided in best interest for mom to no longer live alone, then no matter how much Mom protests, follow thru. What you would be doing is in her best interest. My mom was having cognitive issues and lacking financial responsibilities all the while insisting she was fine. Her beloved doctor of almost 20 years was a quack, for stating she was showing signs of dementia. After tests and medical confirmation confirmed diagnosis mom still insisted everyone was wrong.

It took about 90 days from her diagnosis to having her placed in a facility. It was a tough road that I found myself questioning many times. What I came to terms with was my mom has a progressive disease that has changed her into a different person. I still love her as my mother, but I now have to treat her as a caregiver. It’s hard as our parents age, be strong! It’s okay to question yourself during this journey. This forum has shown your not alone, reach out whenever you need to. Wishing you the best.
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Are you familiar with ADLs? Activities of Daily Living. Look those up if not familiar. Maybe look at more than one website regarding ADLs. When you look them over you will be able to see where your mom is on the functions we all must either do for ourselves or have help accomplishing.

If there is someone who can help her with those, she may be able to stay living at home, but if she doesn’t have the funds to pay caregivers then she will have to consider her alternatives.

Sometimes our loved ones will take what professionals have to say more seriously than what their adult children are concerned with.
The Area Agency on Aging might be a good resource to help you get an assessment for mom on where she is vulnerable.

You could also ask her doctor to order home health for her where she could have an RN do a check of her vitals weekly and order her some therapy to help her with her balance. Plus she might qualify for a bathing aide to help with her hygiene.

As far as convincing her to make different decisions remember that she isn’t likely to listen to pleas about safety. We can fall anywhere. She’s not going to just accept your word for what she should be doing. So don’t argue or try to convince her of things that just don’t matter that much to her.

If you are her DPOA that will come in handy when she needs someone to speak with her doctors or handle her finances.

Many elders receive more care after they have a fall or other health issue that lands them in the ER and the hospital and then on to rehab. After rehab many go to long term care. That seems to often be the path for the stubborn. You have to be prepared to say that she has no one at home to care for her. That helps pave the way.

So check with the resources that are available to you and be careful to not enable her to have a false sense of security on what she is able to do for herself.

Often seniors think they are doing much better than they actually are because their children are sacrificing their own lives to keep the illusion going.

Their children are changing and sacrificing their lives and their relationships with spouses, children and grandchildren so that the parent doesn’t have to adjust to failing health. That way lies madness.

So don’t waste your time trying to convince your mom of anything. Get the facts on where she is healthwise, try to get her legal paperwork in order and don’t enable her to make poor decisions.
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To answer your question, I think you're past the point of "convincing" her. The stubbornness is fear and mostly because of her cognitive issues. Do you have her Durable PoA? Whoever does needs to start making decisions in her best interest, not what she wants. Can you get her to the doc and get her assessed for dementia and a UTI? Does she have financial means? Start looking at facilities. If she doesn't have means, call social services and she can get assessed for in-home services until you can get an app for Medicaid in process. Take a deep breath because you are now in a marathon, not a sprint. There's lots to learn and lots of people in this forum are here to help and support you.
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