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I'm not my grandmother's caregiver, but I am the first person to notice she was saying and doing things that were entirely outside her character. Everyone just assumed that she woke up one morning hating me. But before that day we spent 10 hours a day 5-7 days a week together for 2 yrs happy. Then one morning, after a week long headache (which is totally abnormal for her) she just started screaming at me over the most random things. The first time was for a hose laid over a fence, another time for moving clothespins on a clothesline.


This led to a series of untruths that I systematically disproved, but my uncles simply didn't care. They spend a combined 80 hours a year with their mom between 4 men. In their minds I must be an awful person for their mom to suddenly hate me so much. It took me time and education to figure out what it was, but once I knew, I knew. Again I tried to show these men, my poor little grandma has dementia (probably vascular) and her new rage was part of the disease. She's forgetting words, can't always operate an outdoor faucet, accuses anyone nearby of "stealing" whatever she's fixated on that day, gets stuck in a loop of questions or stories, started calling her great-grandbabies derogatory names, can't remember friends she's known for 25 yrs, can't learn new things, and has forgotten old skills like operating her dvd player or e-mail.


This led to lawyers and accusations, which I again systematically disproved.


Two months ago, the day before mediation, she had a stroke caused by her heart not pumping enough, which created a clot. They put in a pacemaker. My uncles complained about who would take her home. After 1 week they brought her home and dropped her off. At 90 yrs old, 9 days post stroke that almost killed her and pacemaker surgery, and they just left her at home alone. Because, according to them and her, she's fine and doesn't need care.


A few weeks ago her attorney told her she can't win with the lies she's told and they offered to settle. We accepted; suddenly she says she never offered and was furious. Last weekend she was found by the neighbor screaming for help, completely disoriented, extremely combative. They forced her into an ambulance and sedated her. She didn't recognize her brother or his daughter and kept calling her niece her granddaughter. This is when she demanded that my cousin come kill my husband and I, followed by demanding that her sons kill her attorney. She wasn't allowed to come home, for now, but that may not be a permanent situation, and if that changes she has a loaded gun in her house. (she says she uses it for coyotes, we're in small farm country). I live next door with my four kids and husband.


Still her sons can not see it. What is it going to take? For 2 1/2 yrs this has just progressed from bad to worse for her, and I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It seems proving she's lying makes my uncles more defensive about her mental state instead of seeing the disease for what it is. They are actively working to prove she's in her right mind, despite the laundry list of people she can't remember anymore, or the hallucinations of people talking to her through her window. Some of her friends and religious leaders have started to see it and are reporting it where ever they can. Including one episode of Grandma losing her temper and screaming at her friend while inside her holy temple. (no one ever talks above a whisper in there and this is sooooo far out of character for grandma) Grandma is now very suspicious of her friend, and treats her with disdain.


Yet her "holistic" doctor says she's fine based on one type of memory test that she has failed and passed depending on the day.


Why is this diagnosis so difficult to get? What the heck can I do? I'm just in survival mode while this disease eviscerates my life. Stupid disease doesn't just tear up our LO's, it destroys whole families. What the heck is it going to take for them to see?

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maybe the sheriff's can remove the gun for you?  Maybe some kind of medical letter from the hospital or doctors stating the gun needs to be removed for her safety and the safety of others?  I don't know if they do that but it's worth asking.  I really think that's the first step.  Get that off your plate and move on to the next concern.   Wishing you all the best.
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I agree the gun needs to go, we had a similar problem with my father. As you live nearby and cant move make sure you have your house locked up tight.
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I am so sorry you have to go through all this.  Before her health issues it sounds like she had a good reliance on you and your Mom, and she was lucky for that.

TIAs sometimes show in an MRI, but not always, and not likely in CT scan.  My aunt has this issue, but not the anger or hallucinations unless she has a UTI and is dehydrated.  There could also be other medical conditions causing them.

Legal action will be needed, and so difficult with the 4C's. In my dementia caregiver's group I heard of a woman who became a lot like your grandmother (but without the uncles).  She had nieces who wanted her kept for evaluation.  The woman kept calling the police on the hallucinated "intruders and skulkers" around her house.  The police stopped coming.  Dr. and they couldn't detain her unless she was an obvious threat to herself or others.  Finally she called saying those people were across the street were shooting at her, and she had her rifle out and was going to shoot back.  Instant police action, hospitalization on Psych ward for evaluation, proper meds she needed, and then a nursing home.  There was a lot more to the story, but those are the highlights.  The threat of her shooting at others and their homes got her what she needed. 

You will never convince the 4 C's.  Could an elder lawyer find who or what can do something legally?  That rifle of hers, and her threat to use it on you (or your kids?) should be enough of a reason.

Prayers for you and your family.  I wish I knew more that might help.
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Granddaughter28 Dec 16, 2018
APS is going to interview her and others in the hospital room about the threats. If they all lie or make excuses for her I'm not sure it will help.
Her gun is .22 revolver, and she knows how to use it.
The thing I'm confused about is she told her doctor she wanted to die, but he didn't keep her for a psych evaluation. Then she made the threats about us to my other family members which the doctors didn't hear. I'm hoping APS talks to her doctors and therapists, not just my uncles, but I don't know how all this works.
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Sorry, Granddaughter.

I didnt inquire about the legal situation to bring attention to its nuts and bolts - but rather to help see what might be at the root of granny’s anger. As well, what motivation your uncles might have - beyond sheer denial - for not wanting to admit that there really is an issue with their mothers cognitive decline.

As for trying to get to the root of granny’s anger - sometimes folks with dementia latch onto an issue, topic - whatever - and fixate on it. Frequently, this issue gets blown out of proportion and/or embellished upon. They turn it over and over again in their head until it’s so distorted and tangled up in their minds the issue no longer even vaguely resembles what it actually began as.

I thought that perhaps identifying what granny originally became angry about - might help folks here to better pinpoint some helpful strategies for you. However, sometimes folks with dementia just turn inexplicably angry and mean.

So - sorry if I clouded the issue.

As for TIA’s being visible...

I know that when my mother had the fall that was The Game Changer - both a CATSCAN and a MRI were done. I don’t recall which test showed it - but one showed a teeny, tiny brain bleed. The doctor told me it was about the size of the point on a pencil. I’m no expert but if they can identify something that small - I’d think they’d see any brain bleed your grandmother might have had.

Best of luck to you!
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Granddaughter28 Dec 16, 2018
I don't mean to seem defensive. I probably am, but it's been one heck of a journey these last couple years. I'm afraid to answer my front door. I want my grandma to get the help she needs but I have to protect my family first. I can't just abandon her or them. I really appreciate anyone willing to take the time to offer their experience and advice. I truly am grateful.
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I guess no one has POA. Next time she is in the hospital ask for an evaluation. It sounds like this came on pretty fast. She could have a brain tumor or an aneurysm which cause Dementia type symptoms. She could have had mini strokes. She needs a complete physical.
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Granddaughter28 Dec 16, 2018
The oldest uncle has POA and won't allow a full evaluation because she doesn't want one. I believe she's been having TIAs for several years. She's was having fainting spells about the time this started. She would tell me both her knees were swollen because she got bit by ants on both knees at the same time. She has chronically low blood pressure, and we were told her brain simply wasn't telling her heart to pump anymore. They did a cat scan at the hospital during her first stroke and found no evidence of a bleed. I'm assuming they would have seen an aneurysm or tumor at that point, but I'm unsure if TIA's would have been evident.
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If you can afford an attorney, you can afford to move away from these people. Seriously, go away. You can save yourself (your mother must decide on her own). Even when your grandmother passes, the four Cs will continue to make your life miserable and try to find ways to legally entangle you. They didn't buy the evidence of your innocence before; they're not going to now.
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Granddaughter28 Dec 16, 2018
This is not a matter of what can be afforded. It is not my monthly expenses I am protecting but our significant investment here. Most importantly this is my children's home. It's their happy place, even with the chaos. We have our reasons, and I understand what you're trying to say, but that simply isn't possible.
None of that even matters, and it's not why I'm here. I didn't come to this site hoping to get advice of our housing situation. I'm worried about my Grandma. The point is Grandma is ill and deteriorating fast, and they refuse to see it. They created this situation out of greed and it's not doing her any favors. The doctor sent her home with these uncles telling them she can not be alone and needs 24 hour care. They brought her to their house and promptly returned to work, leaving her home alone all day. And then they post on social media how proud they are that she's home alone sweeping out their garage, as some kind of proof that she doesn't need anyone. I guess I keep hoping there is some kind of magic formula for helping get them in front of people who can explain this to them, but I know that's wishful thinking.
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I think they wont admit it because if they do they might have to take care of her.
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Reply to kellse
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They can't see it because:

they are ignorant of her disease
they see it as an affront to be told that they are ignorant and therefore won't learn
they think it's clever to look for the ulterior motive
they would rather blame somebody else.

Do these people, whom I shall privately refer to hereafter as the Four Cs, currently have any legal status as regards your grandmother?

It is important that you recognise that *they* believe they are doing the right thing. They believe that they are preventing your mother from taking over control of your grandmother's life and walking off with the loot. I can see from first glance at your description that no such thing is happening; but the 4Cs' behaviour will seem less perverse and malicious, and therefore be less frightening and painful, if you keep in mind where it's coming from.

Does your grandmother have any other underlying and/or longstanding health problems?
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Riverdale Dec 13, 2018
I love your way with words. The 4Cs is priceless. Very sad story.
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Have you reported the threats against you and your family to the police?
And the fact that there is a loaded gun in the house?
Are you in the US?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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You refer a few times to some sort of
legal action between you and your grandmother... “her lawyer told her she can’t win”, “mediation”, etc.

Whats up with that? Could whatever that’s about cause your grandmother to be angry with you?
Is your uncles insistance thats nothing is wrong with your granny be connected to the legal situation- is granny seeming mentally healthy important to the outcome? Do they or granny stand to gain or loose something of value should the case go your favor?

Lastly, do you have your own
attorney? Has anyone mentioned to granny’s attorney that she’s making death threats - including towards him? Seems a good idea that
someone might want to mention it to him...
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Granddaughter28 Dec 13, 2018
Long story that goes back to the sale of her run down home to us several years ago. Now that the house is worth so much more because of the repairs we made and the pure luck in the housing market. Now it's worth double and they all want more money.
The sales agreement wasn't traditional, but was written by Grandma and her friend of 25yr (and retired attorney) signed in front of a notary.
Grandma has insisted that we are trying to make her look bad so we can "steal her house". Her mental health has zero effect on our contract, but they seem to think it does.
We agreed to buy Grandma out of her part of the contract, based on her offer to settle. HER OFFER. We agreed. Basically meeting in the middle, and we were more than fair. This caused her to have, what I believe to be another TIA, which landed her in the hospital disoriented and combative. That's when she made the threats. I'm told my uncles are now trying to talk her into honoring her offer. The problem is that by accepting her offer she will have to move. Our previous agreement kept her in her house for the rest of her life while we paid all of her housing expenses.
We do have an attorney (I've never even had a speeding ticket before this mess). He's confident that we will win in court. I informed him of the threats, but I don't know if he has contacted Grandma's attorney about them or not. The threats have now been reported to APS by the cousin that witnessed them, and our local chapter of the Alzheimer's association has asked my cousin to contact the police to remove the gun.
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Who is your parent in this family? I am so sorry for all you are going through. Hoping you might have some family support which is why I asked the question.
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Granddaughter28 Dec 13, 2018
My mother is the youngest of 6 and the only girl. We lost her only close brother 25 yrs ago. My uncles like to say mom was born the wrong sex at the wrong time, and openly call my mother "the brat". Mom was pretty heavily physically and emotionally abused as a child by these men when they were younger. I don't know who these men are in their private adult lives, but I have never witnessed basic kindness from them toward my mom except out of obviously forced obligation. I'm in my 30's and I can tell you that despite living within a few miles of one another all our lives I've never had an actual conversation with any of them. Not for lack of trying, they would just get annoyed if I tried and walk away without excusing themselves. Mom has been grandma's best friend and confidant for 30 yrs, and has lived next door for the last 25yrs. Mom told them what she saw, and they got even more furious, accusing us of trying to make Gma look bad so we could steal from her. After a yr of the accusations at me and the first attorney that told them they didn't have a legal case, they fired that lawyer and hired a new guy and then they added my mother to the accusations, and tried to make grandma's situation all mom's fault. Basically they are trying to rewrite family history in order to justify their behavior. So I have Mom's support, but that doesn't change their position. Instead I find myself trying to buffer their abuse away from mom. The ptsd she experiences when they start in on her is crippling. They attacked her at the hospital when Gma had her stroke. She was just sitting quiet in the waiting room while they took turns screaming at her for being there. They had security called on them 3 times. They kept telling her how dare she be there while telling her what a horrible person she was for staying away. It seems there are no rational ways to make them happy.
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If she is not home right now and if you have access to her house, please remove the gun. Take it to a gun smith and have it disabled, then return it before she comes home.

Last time your uncles probably told the discharge planner that they would be looking after her.

Likely your uncles are in denial as they have no idea how to look after her. so if they pretend she does not need to be looked after, then they do not have to do it.
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Granddaughter28 Dec 12, 2018
I don't have access to her house or the gun would be gone. But you nailed who my uncles are. Its a lot of puffed up chests trying to prove they are each the better son, but when it comes right down to it none of them want to care for her. They've got her right now. Reportedly Grandma got in a yelling contest with her doctor at the hospital when he told her she wouldn't be going home alone. The problem is he gave physical reasons why she couldn't go home, like better balance etc, and if those reasons improve she'll be back.
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The loaded gun terrifies me. REALLY TERRIFIES ME. I don’t think your family, et. al., are the ones you need to convince. Grandma needs to be in a psych ward for evaluation at the least. The next time Grandma has a meltdown, first call the police. Then, video or voice record her. When she winds up in the hospital, this is when you go to the social worker and tell them what you’ve told us. Grandma is not safe at home. Her family is in denial and leaves her alone. Grandma has a history and a record of aberrant behavior and is a danger to herself and others. I can’t comprehend how the discharge planner would let her go home last time.

Can you move?
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Granddaughter28 Dec 12, 2018
Moving isn't an option I'm afraid. My cousin whom grandma asked to kill us has promised to report her statements to APS. I hope they can help us. Grandma also reportedly told the doctor she didn't want to live anymore. Her physical and occupational therapist agreed that they saw evidence of dementia, but no exam was given. Grandma is belligerent and aggressive and is so surprising when she starts barking her demands that people usually just give in to appease her out of shock. I'm not allowed nearby so I have no way of recording her saying these things or I would have already given the video to any authority I could find.
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