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As I've said in an earlier post, I live with my elderly parents while working full-time, and I help to caregive for my invalid mother (in a wheelchair and on O2, COPD and lung cancer history, but mostly OK mentally) and help look out for my father (history of seizures and minor stroke, unsteady on his feet, at beginnings of some normal cognitive decline). We have a paid caregiver during the day while I am working.


Today I was talking to them about some things we need to do differently -- for instance, my mom needs to do small tasks she CAN do without asking for help each time, and my dad needs to not make large purchases without discussing them with me or my mom first. Because they have a tendency to jump in with criticism of each other in these conversations, I asked them not to comment on each others' issue as they only have control and responsibility over their own. Unfortunately, my mom is not good at this, and she started insisting that my solution to my dad's issue needed to be handled differently. Needless to say, after several minutes of this, with me asking her 2--3 times not to jump into the issue, I totally lost my temper, said some things that I regret, and upset her. I feel really guilty about this -- I hate when I don't deal with these situations in a mature way, and I certainly don't want to upset her and make her unhappy. I feel like I regress back to my teenage years in these moments! But at the same time, I sometimes feel like her need to be right or in control outweighs the upset she is causing me by her actions or words. On other days, this situation might be reversed with my dad pushing an issue too much or getting at my mom in a mean way.


I understand that things are difficult for both of them -- I know that growing older and dealing with aging bodies and health issues must be so incredibly hard and disheartening and depressing. And I'm sure they both have some emotional stress within all this that plays into how they handle the situation. I try to keep those things in mind when dealing with them, so letting my emotions and frustrations get the better of me upsets me too.


Any advice on how to keep hold of my emotions in these moments, hold onto my boundaries even as she/he continually pushes them, and handle these situations better and in a kinder manner?!


Thank you!

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I hear you, and know exactly what you are going through. I have a poster in my bedroom to remind me that "IT IS BETTER TO BE KIND RATHER THAN TO BE RIGHT". It might be better to simply walk away when they get to bickering over the dumb things that they can't control. Tell them you understand their frustrations, but nothing can change if all they want to do is argue about it, then walk away. Try the discussion an hour or two later, and if you encounter the same arguing, walk away again. It won't take long until they decide that maybe they should shut up and listen to each other, and you! Meanwhile, you are not lowering yourself to that teen age level of 'fighting', You fall right into their game when you do! One time I had to send my parents to their room until they could come out and be decent! True story! You should have seen their faces!
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Maple3044 Oct 2021
Love your " sent them to their rooms" comment. Some times I feel like telling my hubby the same thing!!
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If this has been their dynamic for as long as they have been together you are not going to change it.
If dad is getting to the point that ha can not control/ make good financial decisions then you need to step in. Freeze his cards. Or give him preloaded cards with a minimal amount on the card so he can not make large purchases.
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Reners18 Oct 2021
Yes, it has been their dynamic for a very long time -- even when I was younger but I don't think I really saw how dysfunctional it was until I got older. Thank you!
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It's hard to deal with two people who are stuck in patterns they have developed over the years.

With your mom, develop a series of non commital responses. "Hmm, I will have to think about that" , " I'll see what I can find out", "I'll look into that tomorrow". It acknowledges her feelings, it doesn't commit you to anything, and you can go about doing what you think is best.
If she questions you, you haven't had a chance to look into it yet; you are waiting on more information; you asked (fill in the blank) about it and you are waiting for an answer.
With your dad, I agree with freezing the credit cards, or giving him a prepaid card to limit his spending.
And last but most importantly, when it gets way too much, go out on the back porch and scream!! Or go into the bathroom stuff a towel in your mouth and scream (that was my "go to" with a psycho boss before I retired). It won't solve anything, but you will feel better. Sending you HUGE hugs💜💜
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Reners18 Oct 2021
I like your suggestions a lot -- those are good non-commital but "I hear you" comments to use. And a prepaid card is a good idea for my dad -- hadn't even thought of that. Thank you!

I do sometimes have a small scream in the car...!
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