How do I start the process to get my 87yr old MIL into a nursing home?

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She is not safe alone. My MIL suffers from mid stage dementia and I have physical disabilities so I cannot take proper care of her but her son, my husband, seems to be in denial. He does have health decisions power of attorney.

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Ditto Amijoy and Barb.

Make it crystal clear to your husband that you can not and will not sacrifice your physical health to attend to his mother. There is nothing wrong with looking out for yourself.

I just turned in my resignation because my back is hurting most days I work. It is not worth my discomfort to sacrifice myself for my patient. My patient does not have to live with my pain. Even though the family has become very dependent on me, I have to do what's best for ME first. The same with you.

Make a doctor's appointment for your MIL and all three of you attend. TELL the doctor you can not care for her due to your physical limitations. Ask what facility he/she would recommend. I'm sure hubby will get the idea and go along with the plan. Not too many sons want or will do full time physical caregiving duties that involve personal hygiene for their mothers.
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Reply to SueC1957
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Ditto everything that Joy said!

In addition, have your husband go with you and your MIL to a doctor appointment. Have the doctor explain to your husband what level of care she needs.

It might start to break into his denial.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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First of all, you and hubby need to be on the same page. Speak with him VERY honestly and tell him you cannot take care of his mother and certainly not now and not as her dementia progresses, and it will. Ask him if he would be comfortable bathing and toileting her when she requires it, because with your disabilities you cannot. Tell him you know this is not an easy decision, but it’s a necessary one. There is no reverse gear on dementia. It only gets worse.

Then, have her evaluated to see what level of care she needs so you’re not putting her on one level and then having to move her in a few months. If her doctor can’t do this, he can refer you to someone who can.

Then, begin touring facilities. I’m sure you’re familiar with facilities in your area. Ask if they will help you apply for Medicaid. Some facilities will accept her Medicaid pending. My mom’s facility held my hand through the entire application process.

If Mom lives alone now, suggest to your husband that it could be a dangerous situation for her. Even without dementia, most of us Seniors are a fall risk. If your husband has siblings, have him call a family meeting. Make suggestions if you are included in the meeting. Be firm that you cannot care for her.
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