I have been taking care of my mother's financial, medical, and estate responsibilities for 9 months, since Mom is now living in Assisted Living. (Note: Her mental illnesses and manipulation over the years had already taken a toll on me). Mom has been moved in and out of AL and IL three times in a 7 month period. My husband and I have moved her twice, and my brother and his wife moved her once. My dad is deceased. I was made their POA and executor many years ago. I live 45 minutes away in a smaller town. My brother lives over 2000 miles away. I have spent countless hours, days, nights, and weekends, agonizing over mom's health issues, making many decisions, commuting, cleaning and organizing her house (which was so cluttered with mail, magazines, clothing etc. it resembled borderline-hoarding) I have researched and interviewed estate-sale liquidators and real estate brokers. Finally, I signed a contract to start the sale of the estate in the spring. I have sent numerous texts and emails to my brother and sister-in-law, trying my best to keep them in the loop. (My brother feels like he is entitled to everything since he is the son. He stayed at the house for almost 2 weeks, moving everything he wanted into a storage facility. He had a friend help him, and I was not invited.) I feel like people's feelings are more important than stuff. I only wanted peace and unity, so I went along with it. Anyway, back to the communication problem... Many times I get no response to my texts or emails, or he will respond with... "I am thinking", and I am left hanging for weeks, wondering what that means. (And, he and his wife both, have had the audacity to accuse me of not communicating.) Meanwhile, the house sits there vacant, and I have to maintain it. I worry about vandalism or worse. (Note: the garage was hit with a paintball, and the drip system didn't shut off automatically causing the water bill to go up $400.00.) Finally, after I told him I signed a contract, my brother answered my email saying he wanted to go back to the house one more time, but he took off a month last year and he is out of PTO. The house has been sitting vacant for 9 months now, and apparently he wants me to wait until he can come back again. I realize it's a difficult time for him... and living far away is hard too. I told him that. I won't tell them how I feel because they won't understand, and they do not care anyway. There are layers and layers of emotional pain. I am feeling so defeated and hurt because they can't understand... I know I have done my very best at handling everything. The only thing I get in return is emotional pain. My health is now suffering from all the stress. My brother changed the POA to make it a shared joint effort, but it is not working out. Also, I told my brother I would be turning everything over to him. I have organized everything for him to make the transition as smooth and easy as possible. He said it was unreasonable for me to do that since they live far away. What is my next step? The estate value and inheritance is worth a lot, financially speaking. I am willing to walk away from it all. How do I remove myself from POA and as a family member?

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Thanks so much to all of you, for your really great advice! I have a lot to consider now. Feeling grateful.
Helpful Answer (2)

Pardon my french, but "scr*w" him. (No, I am not losing my filters). Do what you have to do to look after your mother's assets. He does not even have to know what you, as POA, are doing. What he wants is basically irrelevant. You are not obliged to consider him in any of this. In fact, I believe you should be protecting your mother's privacy. There are various opinions on this, I know.

Most of us well understand the "I have spent countless hours, days, nights, and weekends, agonizing over mom's health issues, making many decisions, commuting, cleaning and organizing her house (which was so cluttered with mail, magazines, clothing etc. it resembled borderline-hoarding) "

Some of us well understand the stress of an self serving, interfering sib. I finally reduced contact with mine to a minimum and plan on ending contact in future.

Definitely, check that whether your mum whether legally added him as joint POA. She could only do this if she was competent at the time. He can not do this himself.

If you resign now and he has not been added by your mother, and your mother is not competent to assign it to anyone else, then your mother has no POA and the state will have to take over.

If you resign now and he has been added by your mother, then all her business will be entirely his responsibility.

If you can live with whichever of these is the case, just send a letter of resignation, as suggested above, to get out of being POA . I often thought about it, but hung in and set some heavy boundaries re my sib, and re contact with my mother, who has caused me much stress too.

You can "divorce" your family by going no contact with them. There are articles online which may be of help. Google phrases such as "divorcing your dysfunctional family"

I wish you the best in your decision making. Be sure you have the facts first. Blessings
Helpful Answer (5)

As others have said. Your brother cannot make himself the POA. Only your mom can. Ask him directly how he became to be a POA.

Once that's settle, if he isn't a POA, then act accordingly. You have the authority to do so. You've taken his desires into account and he's walked all over you. Stop that. Act on your mom's behalf, not your brother's.

I find myself in a similar situation. My hothead brother doesn't really help out in anyway, as in not at all. Yet he wants to be the one who decides what to do. He has no authority. I have that. Many times I find that I go along with him so that he doesn't blow. I'm over it. No more of that from me. Even dad is sick of placating him.
Helpful Answer (4)

Karen you are not answerable to your brother. You are responsible for managing your mother's assets in your mother's best interests.

By all means keep him informed, that's good manners. But you have *already* allowed his preferences and convenience to cost your mother money. You need to stop doing that and crack on with handling the house sale.

I realise I sound like I'm blaming the victim (you). But the victim, the person who loses money, is your mother. You are supposed to be protecting your mother. You need to shed the idea that your brother has any authority in this, over you or over decisions you make on your mother's behalf.

Have you always found him difficult to deal with? Are you in the habit of deferring to him?
Helpful Answer (3)

Since you are going to have a strained relationship with your brother no matter what you do I would simple tell him you are proceeding with the plans you have made and get it all done to your satisfaction, at least then you would know that it is all behind you. If you truly want to resign as POA then you need to do it formally in writing and send copies to brother, mother and any applicable financial institutions.
Be certain you want this though, as mom's needs change in the future brother could act without your participation or knowledge.
Helpful Answer (2)

"My brother changed the POA to make it a shared joint effort" Your brother did not have the legal authority to do that. Only your mother could have done that. Thus, your brother has no legal standing.

If you know who the lawyer was that wrote up the POA, go to him or her and tell them that you want to revoke it, you will have to submit a letter or sign something. Then, your mother will be informed that you are out of all of this. Your brother can't have it both ways. He can't have control and have you to do his bidding. BTW, your brother can't change your mother's Will either. He may try to manipulate her to do so, however.
Helpful Answer (4)

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