I don't think my husband has but a few months left. (He is still in denial and sent in his golf membership today. I'm pretty sure they will be refunding it.)

I can get a gravesite here in town for $350. Yep, you read that right! But I am not sure what the next steps are to keep things low-cost from the time he dies until he is put in the ground. (I want to be cremated, he says absolutely not for him.)

If I have to, I will put an "in lieu of flowers" statement in the obit and ask folks to contribute to the cost of the funeral home's services. To me, that is tacky but it might be necessary. I honestly don't want to have to deal with flowers any way. He made financial choices that have put us where we are but I'm the one that has to bear the brunt of his choices.

Please tell me what has worked for you.

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Last year, we pre-arranged a cremation for my mother.

We chose a direct cremation. Pick up of the body, and a box to put her in. No urn. They will call me when her ashes are ready.

Total cost was $1,400.

I agree. Your husband does not get to impoverish you (further).

He does not get to bully you any longer, either.

This other first time you get to make a decision without him getting in the way of sanity. Take the step that is right for YOU.

If there are naysayers in your family, they are welcome to pay the bill.
Helpful Answer (18)
Reply to cxmoody
cxmoody Jan 18, 2023
“This will be the first time…”

Dumb autocorrect!
If he made the finances a mess, he doesn't get to demand a burial. Cremate and be done with it. Don't promise anything.
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to Bridget66

My mother just prepaid her own cremation, and just readjusted her own funeral plans from a full blown funeral to a "you don't even have to have a service" option for me. The cremation cost about 2k and was planned in accordance with state law on cremation etc. The funeral home walked her through the legal requirements. You might want to meet with a funeral home first to see what the minimum cost is to bury your husband. Some states require a great deal to be buried. Once you have a ballpark figure you can work from there. They can bury your husband without a service and you might consider having a low key memorial service, instead of a huge funeral.

Sorry to be tacky about this next part. Once your husband is dead, he will not care if you follow his wishes or not. If he put you in financial straits, then I would bury him on the cheap and be done with it.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Jhalldenton
JoAnn29 Jan 18, 2023
Thats what I was going to say.😁
Graygrammie, I don't get why you think you should impoverish yourself for the sake of someone who has bullied you endlessly.

Just do a cremation and be done with it. Nod and smile when he demands things.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

Donate his body to science and they will cremated it for free.

He doesn't get a funeral that leaves you even less financially stable. You can have a rock engraved and plant him in the backyard.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
NeedHelpWithMom Jan 18, 2023
My uncle did this. He was single his entire life, he didn’t see the point of spending his money on a funeral. He specified that he wanted his body to be donated to a medical teaching school.
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I agree with most people. If he didn't prepare for a burial, he gets to be cremated. I wouldn't talk to him about it, just do it when he is gone. If you do honor his wishes for a burial, no embalming, no open casket. Minimize your expenses, no frills, etc. Shop now, prices are so different. The grave might seem cheap, what about opening and closing it? In Dallas at one cemetary, it is over $2,000. just to open and close the grave. If he is cremated, you can scatter his ashes for nothing.

When my aunt died and was cremated, she was buried in her favorite cookie jar. My mother was scattered. My Sister-in-Law was buried in the cardboard box she came home in with her favorite fabric and ribbon wrapped around her box. I still have some of the fabric and take it out once in a while and think of her.

Some people have a potluck in a park. You just pay a minimal fee for use of the park.

If family starts to give you grief bacause you aren't spending more money, let them foot the bill. Not just promise to help. foot the entire thing up front.
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Reply to MaryKathleen
MaryKathleen Feb 2, 2023
Added to my post, In November I paid $840. for my husband to be cremated. That included all fees and taxes plus 9 death certificates. I went with a small local chain, not a large one like Dignity.
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ITRR made me think of a couple my parents were friendly with

A was a widow in her 80s probably at the time and diagnosed with ALZ. Her DIL was a nurse at Moms AL. She said before A got bad she had asked her what she wanted in the way of her funeral, A said, cremation and then put her, her Mom and husband all together in one place. DIL asked where were Moms and husbands ashes. A said "Moms are under the bird bath behind the house, and Bill's are down in the basement in the filing cabinet under B.
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Reply to JoAnn29
DrBenshir Jan 27, 2023
Thank you for the laugh, whether you meant to or not!
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I went this morning and made my own plans and prepaid. I'm being cremated. I bought two boxes for my ashes. One is being buried with my husband and my son is taking the other ashes to be spread at the family farm in WV. With opening the grave here in Maine, boxes, mailing ashes and direct cremation I paid a total of $732.00. I thought that was reasonable. I'm not having a viewing, funeral service, luncheon, obituaries, etc. And there shouldn't be any fussing between my son and my stepsons. They all agreed on my arrangements.
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Reply to Bridget66
NeedHelpWithMom Jan 27, 2023
That’s extremely reasonable!
Many good answers here. I have been in your shoes a couple of times. Be straightforward. Talk to a funeral home representative. Keep repeating "any money spent comes out of my groceries for the next 6 months--I want the cheapest possible cremation/burial with no extras." When any new thing comes up ask, "is that required by law?" I did this for my FIL when my MIL passed away when I was 19. I was young and a little brash and bold, but we paid less than half what a friend had paid to the same funeral home a few months earlier. It was easy for me because I barely knew either of them. Pop's budget was the only thing I cared about. I doubt that any of the mourners knew the difference.

Prepaid plans are best because when the end comes you won't believe how many other things you will be dealing with.

Be sure that hospice or hospital have the name and number of the funeral home so that they can call them directly when the death occurs and everything will be taken care of by the funeral home.

Try to find a friend or distant relative who can stay with you for a couple of days when he dies. I have both been that friend and relied on a friend to take care of incoming calls, deal with fielding demands, and organizing stuff coming in and going out. It is really amazing how much stuff goes on when someone dies.

This should include answering the phone and screening calls. It is amazing how many companies try to sell you stuff and how many scammers claim that the recently deceased owe them money. Just make a list of the people that you do want to talk to. The rest can be told that you are resting and that you will be given a message. Your friend can make a list of callers and their phone numbers and one line messages. Only call back the ones you choose to call. This friend can also receive and deal with gifts of food or flowers. You can simply stay in a quiet place out of sight and deal with only the things you are ready for.

As for the money in lieu of flowers idea, use it if you need to. I do not think it is tacky. When people order flowers or send food they are trying to help you, to support you and show that they care. If you direct them to give the care and support that you really need, you are doing them a favor. Personally, I would much rather give you a check for $50 than to spend that amount for an arrangement that will be displayed for the funeral and then thrown out. It makes sense. If you were wealthy you may consider flowers an indication of others' concern for you and enjoy them. As it is, they can show their concern for you in a much more needed way.

Take care of yourself, this isn't easy. Please know that many of us have gone through this and will understand that your decisions will need to be the ones that are best for you. Hugs.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to LittleOrchid

Don't let a funeral home upsell you. They will show you special caskets, satin pillows, vaults and more. Start looking now so you aren't so caught up in emotion after he dies. I think the funeral home people like to work with very emotional folks who want to pick out "only the best" for their loved one. After all, who wants to haggle about price for someone's final resting spot?

I watch a mortician on YouTube, Caitlin Doughty and she goes into detail about the funeral business and how expensive it is and why it doesn't need to be. She makes videos about all kinds of things as well. Green burials, Alkaline Hydrolysis, Water Cremation, compost type burial.

Both of my parents had only cremation, no caskets, no services, no luncheons, etc. Each one was $1300. I spread their ashes together in a beautiful location. My father in law had the same thing. None of them wanted services or emotional gatherings around a casket. You don't have to have all that stuff.

I agree about not following your husband's wishes after his death. You have to make this work for you. If he really had his heart set on a big send off.... he should have planned for it and not left you in a position to ask for money for his funeral. I'm sorry you're in this situation.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to SpringRain

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