I don't think my husband has but a few months left. (He is still in denial and sent in his golf membership today. I'm pretty sure they will be refunding it.)
I can get a gravesite here in town for $350. Yep, you read that right! But I am not sure what the next steps are to keep things low-cost from the time he dies until he is put in the ground. (I want to be cremated, he says absolutely not for him.)
If I have to, I will put an "in lieu of flowers" statement in the obit and ask folks to contribute to the cost of the funeral home's services. To me, that is tacky but it might be necessary. I honestly don't want to have to deal with flowers any way. He made financial choices that have put us where we are but I'm the one that has to bear the brunt of his choices.
Please tell me what has worked for you.
We chose a direct cremation. Pick up of the body, and a box to put her in. No urn. They will call me when her ashes are ready.
Total cost was $1,400.
I agree. Your husband does not get to impoverish you (further).
He does not get to bully you any longer, either.
This other first time you get to make a decision without him getting in the way of sanity. Take the step that is right for YOU.
If there are naysayers in your family, they are welcome to pay the bill.
Sorry to be tacky about this next part. Once your husband is dead, he will not care if you follow his wishes or not. If he put you in financial straits, then I would bury him on the cheap and be done with it.
Just do a cremation and be done with it. Nod and smile when he demands things.
He doesn't get a funeral that leaves you even less financially stable. You can have a rock engraved and plant him in the backyard.
When my aunt died and was cremated, she was buried in her favorite cookie jar. My mother was scattered. My Sister-in-Law was buried in the cardboard box she came home in with her favorite fabric and ribbon wrapped around her box. I still have some of the fabric and take it out once in a while and think of her.
Some people have a potluck in a park. You just pay a minimal fee for use of the park.
If family starts to give you grief bacause you aren't spending more money, let them foot the bill. Not just promise to help. foot the entire thing up front.
A was a widow in her 80s probably at the time and diagnosed with ALZ. Her DIL was a nurse at Moms AL. She said before A got bad she had asked her what she wanted in the way of her funeral, A said, cremation and then put her, her Mom and husband all together in one place. DIL asked where were Moms and husbands ashes. A said "Moms are under the bird bath behind the house, and Bill's are down in the basement in the filing cabinet under B.
Prepaid plans are best because when the end comes you won't believe how many other things you will be dealing with.
Be sure that hospice or hospital have the name and number of the funeral home so that they can call them directly when the death occurs and everything will be taken care of by the funeral home.
Try to find a friend or distant relative who can stay with you for a couple of days when he dies. I have both been that friend and relied on a friend to take care of incoming calls, deal with fielding demands, and organizing stuff coming in and going out. It is really amazing how much stuff goes on when someone dies.
This should include answering the phone and screening calls. It is amazing how many companies try to sell you stuff and how many scammers claim that the recently deceased owe them money. Just make a list of the people that you do want to talk to. The rest can be told that you are resting and that you will be given a message. Your friend can make a list of callers and their phone numbers and one line messages. Only call back the ones you choose to call. This friend can also receive and deal with gifts of food or flowers. You can simply stay in a quiet place out of sight and deal with only the things you are ready for.
As for the money in lieu of flowers idea, use it if you need to. I do not think it is tacky. When people order flowers or send food they are trying to help you, to support you and show that they care. If you direct them to give the care and support that you really need, you are doing them a favor. Personally, I would much rather give you a check for $50 than to spend that amount for an arrangement that will be displayed for the funeral and then thrown out. It makes sense. If you were wealthy you may consider flowers an indication of others' concern for you and enjoy them. As it is, they can show their concern for you in a much more needed way.
Take care of yourself, this isn't easy. Please know that many of us have gone through this and will understand that your decisions will need to be the ones that are best for you. Hugs.
I watch a mortician on YouTube, Caitlin Doughty and she goes into detail about the funeral business and how expensive it is and why it doesn't need to be. She makes videos about all kinds of things as well. Green burials, Alkaline Hydrolysis, Water Cremation, compost type burial.
Both of my parents had only cremation, no caskets, no services, no luncheons, etc. Each one was $1300. I spread their ashes together in a beautiful location. My father in law had the same thing. None of them wanted services or emotional gatherings around a casket. You don't have to have all that stuff.
I agree about not following your husband's wishes after his death. You have to make this work for you. If he really had his heart set on a big send off.... he should have planned for it and not left you in a position to ask for money for his funeral. I'm sorry you're in this situation.
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