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I am an only child and have always been very close (I thought) to my father. I lived overseas since 1980 but always called and visited often. Three years ago I gave up my business to come back to the UK for about 8 months of the year to care for my Dad, whose wife had died, and now has advanced Parkinson. He does not want to go into care and I have been doing my best to keep him at home. I have had a lot of trouble adjusting to life in the UK and miss my home, pets, friends and life in the Caribbean very much but I have tried to make the best of it. On top of this I lost my husband suddenly 16 months go. I was busy caring for my dad and always think that I might have seen the warning signs if I had been with him. Two days ago, when asked my father told me that he had given Power of Attorney to a friend "because he did not feel I could be trusted to make decisions in his best interest". This includes medical matters for someone I have been caring for all this time. I have always been there for him and my stepmother whatever happened. Knee ops, new hips and cared for my step mother at home with cancer till she passed away. In short. I am gutted and feel an enormous wedge has come between us which I am not sure I can get round mentally. I can barely look at him or talk to him knowing he thinks so little of me. What shall I do? I feel like packing up and going home to my lovely home in the sun and leave him and his friend to it but also that would be very sad. He is my only remaining family and I thought we had always been very close. By the way, the friend was his lover for 15 years, worked for him before that and comes in and does things for him twice a week when I am not there, When I asked her about it she said that she understands him better than me. I don't think she is a gold digger by the way. In a way I am lucky to be relieved of the responsibility as it can be a nightmare and I could understand if he felt it the best thing as I am sometimes overseas but to be told I am not good enough to have the responsibility after all I have done is so hurtful. Just wondering how anybody else would feel?

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Jc, such drama! I'm so sorry this is going on in your life, and that you have forfeited so much in your life.

As a general rule, I think it's unwise for a family member to care for an elder if another "lay" person, ie, not a lawyer or financial professional, holds POA. In your shoes, if your father is still competent, I would explain this to him. You might discuss what his wishes are for when he becomes too much for one person to care for.

The very fact that you don't have a full appreciation of his financial position would make me wary of becoming poa for him. He sounds like a very secretive, untrusting person, characteristics that will only become more exaggerated as he ages. There may also be unshared cultural assumptions in his head (in some places, the daughter always comes home to care for Daddy, because she doesn't have to worry about getting a living).

Perhaps tell your father honestly about your own straightened circumstances and that you need to go back home now to take up your career again.
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Wow, she doesn't sound like much of a loving lover at all? I"m sorry for your lost of his love and respect.
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When I arrived there three years ago he was in a terrible state, sleeping in his chair with swollen legs. I arranged for a hospital bed for him to get his legs elevated. A doctor called round by chance as he was retiring I think and asked my Dad if he thought about going into assisted living. I was blamed for this which is unfair as it was not my doing. He was very angry and I think thats when he took Power of Attorney away from me. His friend had not looked after him well at that point had she?
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Yes, she was. But she ended the relationship when my step-mother died and did not move in with him as he expected she would. He was devastated at the time. They have remained friends since but I think that he pays her to do his shopping etc. but they are obviously still close. I now feel I am only good for cooking, laundry, changing soiled bedding, underwear etc and feel like an unpaid maid. He does not help me finically at all even though he knows I am struggling since my husband died. I have had to rent my house out to cover my expenses while I am with him. He has kept his finances very secret from me and I have worried a lot about how he will manage when more serious care is needed when I cannot move him any more etc. She now tells me that he has no money troubles at all but why couldn't he tell me that. As only child I think he could have shared these things with me. He told me he could not help me with plane tickets etc. so I presumed things were tight for him. I am feeling rather depressed as in the last few years I have lost everything that was my world and now apparently his love and respect too.
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Sorry to hear that you lost your husband. I think I would feel hurt by your dad's comments and would go back to my home. Was this woman his lover while your dad was married to his wife? He evidently feels much closer to her than to you which is not your fault. Too bad he did not make this decision before you gave up your business and moved.
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