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My mother and I have never really gotten along, and are rarely on the same page about anything. Fortunately I live several states away from her, so I only speak to her by phone. She's deaf and very out of touch with the outside world, so we have really nothing to speak about. She listens to news on the radio all day long, and takes every word very seriously. Every time I tell her what her great grandkids or granddaughter are up to, her first reaction is to go immediately to the darkest place possible. I happen to be going to a comedy show that I'm very much looking forward to. Her reaction was that I'm going to get monkeypox and give it to my grandkids. I just don't even know what to say to that! She gives me advice and tells me what I should do. I'm 63, I'm not gonna listen to her any more than my 40-year-old daughter listens to me. She simply can't let things go, and tell herself that things are not her problem to solve and that her relatives are adults and can make their own decisions. I know she's very old and I should be more respectful, but I just have no patience for anything that she says anymore. I try not to even speak to her because I know it's just going to make me crazy. She's quite healthy and cogent in most ways, but she just cannot ever resist saying something negative about what might happen. Does anyone have a calming mantra that I can tell myself on the next phone call?

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My 95 yo mother, who lived by herself - insisted on living by herself - was the same way. Everything and anything I said/did garnered negative comments/suggestions. Her mental capabilities were sharp and attempting diversions never worked with her. I subjected to hearing about how every single thing in the world would either affect me, impact me, destroy my life or even kill me--the food shortages, the droughts, the forest fires, the home invasions, the road rage, the younger ages of criminals, etc etc. but given that she fled her country and home during WW2, never to return, every visit entailed her prophesizing the end of the world, especially via nuclear attacks. EVERY SINGLE VISIT was nothing but this. She would continually overstep any and all boundaries I would set. And yes, I was the only child and only family member she had.

At first I would try to divert her attention, but because later years in life most seniors have lost the majority of their friends and the few they have left are tired and weary as well and would no longer answer calls from her as frequently as they did. And neighbors, well, they have their own lives to live and can only hold so much space for someone like her.

Diverting her attention she would take what I was diverting with and Uturn it back to the gloom and doom. It was just who she was and how she was because her entire life at 95 consisted of watching tv, especially the news, nonstop. I tried to get her interested in other things - books, crafts, etc, with no success.

I would see her about 2-3 times a week to help her- clean her condo, grocery shop, dr. visits, etc. And when I was leaving, every single time, she wanted me to call her when I got home to make sure I wasn't in an accident on the way home or was carjacked or something that would take me out of her world. At nearly 70yo, it irritated the heck out of me. But I would do it because otherwise she would call my phones (cell and home) and/or my husbands (who needs his phones cuz he is self-employed with customers calling) - calling every 15 minutes for hours at a time until I answered (and yes, way into the nighttime hours- and if I didn't answer she would call the police to do a wellness check!!!). So, calling her when I got home would circumvent the annoyance.

Over 30 years, my patience wore thin numerous times. After 18 years, my husband refused to see her or interact with her (cuz every conversation was about everything negative, including what if he died and I was left penniless, etc etc...) And I didn't blame him one bit - it wasn't his mother. And yes, she did cause stress in my marriage, but we were able to deal with it (thank goodness for his good nature)

So, how to deal with her - I just tried my best not to respond and engage to what she said. Would just say 'yup, you're right' and leave it at that. (cuz no amount of rational information would change her at 95yo) And after her visits, I would go home and have to take a hour long nap to 'recharge'.

My mother passed away at 95 in 2021, and I hate to say, but no, I do not miss her in any way. She was like this her entire life--her unrealistic neediness and her stubborness, coupled with her over the top narcissism drove a gap in our relationship and how I was able to live my life. It is only now at 70 yo that I can finally live my life.
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Roxytattoo2021 Aug 2022
I have a mom who’s 95 now and has been extremely negative about everything in her entire life, I resonate with everything you said and I feel like whatever I am going through right now is not alone…I am 68 and well, but you have a husband who can enjoy life with and that positivity, good for you!
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MattyWelch: Perhaps you will have to limit your phone conversations with her. i.e. the minute she starts with an acrimonious tone, you said something akin to 'My meal just finished cooking. I must go before it burns. Talk to you another day.'
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Oh I understand- My MIL
has never been a nice person . She does not even know her 9 grown with children grand daughters or any of her any of our grand children as she never wanted anything to do with the children . she wrote off my step daughters as soon as their mother and father (my husband ) divorced. They considered my mom their grand mother . She has alienated her own 74yr old daughter who after years of verbal assaults and abuse finally walked away. The only one looking to her needs is her son (my husband) and me only as moral support for my husband. She is 97, never been wrong about anything, very demanding , and has child like temper tantrums if she is not getting her way. She is very hard to be around and even though I know the dementia she is experiencing is not her fault it’s hard to have any sympathy at all.
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I can definitely relate. Since most of your conversations are over the phone, perhaps keep a list of reminders next to your phone. Neutral or general topics to switch to when the conversation goes south. And reminders to yourself on how to (or not) respond.
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A Geriatric Psychiatrist can offer her medications to deal with her fear and anxiety. It is not healthy to listen to news (especially repetitive news) all the time.

During covid I have immersed myself in animal zoo programs where they promote health and happiness for their animals. It has been a joyous blessing most of the time...........I just hate when they have to put an animal down and I sit there with my box of tissues. Here's a list of showings on Animal Planet. (https://reelgood.com/tv/source/animal_planet_go)

Hopefully, these suggestions will divert her attention to more positive and healthy subjects for discussion.
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Cut back on the phone calls! As you’ve figured out, she isn’t interested in your world. Sadly, that seems to be the norm for many nonagenarians. Keep in mind that all nonagenarians are constantly aware that the Giant Sledgehammer of Death is poised right above their heads, so they should be excused for their annoying attitudes of gloom and doom. We’ll all be like that someday ourselves if we live that long.
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sp19690 Aug 2022
A sledgehammer of death poised right above their heads. Love it! Reminds me of the movie saw. You know you are going to die you just don't know when.
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When my wife started to get dimentia I was impatient with her and probably mean at times. (Part of my personality as a business ceo) Once I learned she had dementia my whole attitude changed. I realized much of what she said was not really her. I learned to just ignore it because I knew in a few minutes it would all be forgotten. I took a lesson from a business associate who told me when dealing with difficult customers always give them hope but never promise anything.
just last night my wife wanted to go to bed. (The one I sleep in) I convinced her she was already in bed and is more comfortable and better for me to keep it clean when she wets the diaper. It is really more about your own attitude.
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Yes, say to yourself:
"At least she doesn't have dementia and is crapping all over the place."
"At least she doesn't have dementia and actually can listen to the news and comprehend some of it."
"At least she doesn't have dementia and screams I hate you I wish you had never been born, every time I tell her she has to take a shower."
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MattyWelch Aug 2022
Ohhh, after reading the posts here I'm realizing how very easy I have it. She only trusts my brother, and he's the only one even remotely close by, so he's going to have to be the one to tell her she has to go to a nursing home when it's time, or eventually pick up after her. I pity him already. Now that she thinks I'm not mad at her anymore she called me three times today. I should've treated her like this her whole life, instead of getting upset and hating her. I knew she was a nutcase from when I was a little kid, and all I wanted to do was shut her off and not have to talk to her at all. But now that my eyes have been opened to the fact that she's probably been mentally ill all these years, I don't have to take her seriously. She would never, ever take anxiety meds, she refuses to take meds of any kind. IShe can do her "Ohhhhh, nooo" thing all she wants, and express her sky is falling down thoughts. This forum has been heaven sent.
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Don't tell her about all the things and people and activities going on outside her immediate environment. They might provide you with some opportunity to vent or to fill time, but they are of no interest or value to your mother. Talk about what conerns your mother.
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Oh my goodness, thanks guys. She called again this morning with the same oh my God, you're going to get monkeypox and give it to your grandchildren because the news said that the CDC said people aren't paying attention. It may be true that certain vulnerable populations aren't heeding the CDC as much as they should, but I'm still going to the show and I'm still staying in a hotel. I'll wear a mask because the host thinks it's a good thing, and it is a big crowd, so I'm fine with that. But I'm not gonna take crazy extraordinary measures. I did what was suggested by you guys, basically spoke to her the way you would a young child and then redirected to a fun thing that the family did yesterday. It worked! We got off the phone in a much calmer spirit. She'll never change, I realize that she's had some mental illness her whole life. But now I realize that I don't have to get so upset about it. Thank you thank you thank you! This forum has been a lifesaver. Or at least a sanity saver.
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Grandma1954 Aug 2022
👍👏👏👏👏👏
That is a major accomplishment to realize and accept that SHE will not change so you have to in order to keep your sanity.
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Sad to say it comes from knowing her good years are behind her and she’s jealous that you are still enjoying your life. My 94 y/o mother does the same thing to me. I yes her to death and then go do what I want. Acknowledge you can’t change her and make the best of it.
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Accept that your mother will never change. The next time a negative thing is said, tell your mother it makes you unhappy and perhaps it is not a good time to talk, then just hang up to try another time.
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Isn’t it just awful!? Our moms sound alike. Mine is also 98 and I am 65. It didn’t dawn on me until a few years back that mom has been negative ALL MY LIFE and I have tried my utmost to ‘make things better’ and ultimately I can’t and I’ve felt guilty all my life and it grinds me down. I’m scared to speak because she will come back with something negative. Every time my SIL visits she moans moans moans about her to me after she’s gone. It’s because SIL is ‘different’ and doesn’t suck up to mom. . .. although the moans ceased when mum was in hospital SIL stepped up and showed her kindness.
I know it’s hard but if you can find a way to see the funny side of the negativity, even if it’s insane laughing with shear madness. Tell a sympathetic friend the story and giggle. We can’t stop them from a lifetime of negativity. So it’s minimum contact, switch off, try to laugh, and don’t feel guilty.
I have comments from friends and neighbours who tell me what a good job I am doing with mom so I’m not totally callus where she is concerned. I’m overjoyed when she’s happy.
I can also identify with your comment about 40 year old daughter switching off from you too, when mine (35) does it it makes me feel invisible. I bite my lip and offload with the few close friends around me I count myself lucky to have and have a decent conversation with them. Sometimes it’s with my dog, although she knows anyway.
You are not alone.
Kind regards and sincerely good wishes from a fellow sufferer.
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I pray to Jesus Christ alot he is my best friend. Pray for her and your self before you call. It will help if you can forgive her.. for yourself...Her negativity is about her mindset and no reflection on you. She has to be pretty miserable to be so negative.
If you could perhaps try not to take her negativity personally and prepare yourself for that before the call that may help. I know this is easier said than done.
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She sounds very isolated. Can you get a hearing aid for her? The FDA just approved them for over-the-counter, less than $250 for a real hearing aid, no doctor required. Or a phone amplifier device. A great relationship can't happen over the phone exclusively. I wonder if you could each get an Alexa Show (the Amazon device with a screen) or another user-friendly screen device. And see if some activities can be planned for her to get away from the dreadful news, or find some happy channels. TV is pretty dreadful for shut-ins, with commercials and bad news and murder mysteries. Help her find the good channels. The best "channel" could be her grandkids over the Alexa device.
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Sunnydupree Aug 2022
Excellent ideas
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OMG I could have written this. My mother is the same age and is exactly the same way, adding negativity to it. She always looks at the bad side of things. At least you get it by phone, she lives with me so I get it 24/7. If we’re sitting on the porch, she points out all the crummy looking trees and flowers that are dying, if we watch a ball game on TV she gets annoyed that both teams are wearing the same color and it’s hard to figure which team is which, if I call her doctor to refill a prescription, and they don’t do it immediately, she gets mad. If I’m a little late getting back from an errand, she is calling me, thinking I got into an accident. You get my idea. I completely understand how you feel. My mantra every morning is “please, God, teach me patience when all day long my heart is troubled by troublesome crosses”. I actually say it several times a day if she is in a bad mood. I remind myself that there will come a day when she will no longer be here and I will miss all the negativity. I also think (in my mother’s case at least) at 98, they are tired of living. I wish you peace.
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purrna2go Aug 2022
Your mom might need to be evaluated for thyroid. My mom does a little better with her thyroid Rx. However, that aside, nobody expects to be caring for a super senior mom. (I am, like you, doing that). Give your mom some speed-dial numbers for her friends or your neighbor that she can call if there is an emergency; she calls you because she knows she'd be in trouble if you didn't come home. Also, she can't rest because she is worried about you, and that is her mom instinct, a good thing. I can't even go to the bathroom or out of mom's sight line. But she is one of the most precious things in my life. Hold that in your heart. Just hold her, give her a hug and kiss often as default mode to help you both cope.
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Does it occur to anyone else that whether we are 63 years old, or 5, we often communicate with our mothers and expect them to communicate with us, as children rather than as intelligent, concerned adults?
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You will not change her.. I would do short calls more often. My mom at 89 really can not have deep conversations. The news is always so bad …so she thinks the world is all bad. I try to remember if I have the privilege of having a long life I will do the same to my daughter.. get counseling it helped me develop better patience and understanding of advanced elderly behaviors.
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MattyWelch Aug 2022
i've already told my daughter that if I act anything like my mother, get in my face and tell me to knock it the Frick off. And then remind me what was happening. I don't expect to live to be 98, but I pray to God I never am like her. My daughter wouldn't put up with it anyway. I know this.
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Some people are just Eeyores for life, even when they’re trying to be supportive.

On health concerns, I might say, “I hear ya mom, but our doctors say it’s ok.” Throw in an alternative medicine provider. “It’s really ok now, and by the way Billy made the team.”

She will probably argue that he for sure will get CTE, in which case just redirect with that we’ve checked with the experts and it’s fine.
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MattyWelch Aug 2022
She'll say "But I heard on the news that… ". She lives and breathes for the news. I so wish she'd do some thing else with her time. She was in such good shape for all these years, but she didn't want to learn to do anything, nothing with new technology, and the world just passed her by. She's such a cautionary tale for her children.
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After 63 years, you've had about enough negativity and advice coming from your mother. I know. I had the same situation myself. At my wedding in 2009, my mother couldn't even congratulate me b/c she was SO worried I'd left my windows unlocked at the house. The Boogeyman could have snuck in while I was saying my vows, waiting to kill me and my new husband when we got back from our honeymoon, that was her message to me. It just reaches a point where you can't talk about anything that's 'neutral territory' w/o some negative message sneaking in there sideways.

I don't have a calming mantra for you to use, I'm sorry to say. Just set a timer for 5 minutes and if/when the convo goes south, ring that bell and get OFF the phone in a hurry. Bye ma, someone's at the door, gotta GO! TTYL.

It's really the only way to deal with her negativity and save your own sanity. Respect is a 2 way street, by the way. I'm sure you've asked her to respect YOUR wishes a few thousand times already & stop with all the naysaying & free advice, right? But that never happens no matter how many times you ask. So now it's your turn to hang up the phone when the aggravation reaches a certain limit. It really IS possible to have a normal conversation with our mothers; they've just chosen to ramp things up to a whole new level of heartburn.

Good luck!
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MattyWelch Aug 2022
The thing is I did this to my daughter briefly after she had a a baby. She basically told me, no, not acceptable. And all the grandparent forums said the same...MYOB. I've lived with my daughter and her family for 10 years now, and what gets my through is my personal mantra "this is not my problem to solve ". She's a (mostly) competent adult, and she smacks me back verbally when I cross a line occasionally. I've tried and tried to get my mother to see that soooo many things that she gets worried sick over are simply not her problem to solve, but to no avail. She refuses to get Internet or cable, so the only entertainment is radio news all day long. Now that she's 98 she's certainly not gonna change. I just have to force myself to follow everyone's advice and let her rant for 5 minutes and then "have another phone call" or something. Thanks for your advice!
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Talk about only the most inane topics possible, like the weather, what’s blooming outside, recipes, etc. Keep family news brief, give her little information to feed the fire of negativity. Listen to as much as you can take emotionally and get off the phone.
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I guess just expect her to do what she does and let it roll off your back. Don't engage. Just say something light and vague like "oh, I guess that could happen". No sense arguing or trying to get her to see that what she's doing is unnecessary and annoying.
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Sunnydupree Aug 2022
Good answer
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