4 months ago I was at a low tolerance, high stress level, I could see the downward spiral I was on. Then I placed my husband (Alzheimer's diagnosed 2-1/2 years ago but it was there well before that). It was a rocky adjustment period for us both and still is to a degree. I think in my gut I know it was right, but now I am feeling stronger and even beginning some volunteering, and still reading and going to my support group. Now and then feelings take over that maybe I can do the caregiving from home again, maybe learning better methods, etc, etc. We have been married 54 years and never apart before, shouldn't or couldn't it be that way again?
Sitting back I know this is the right decision, he is doing well enough, I visit, daily but leaving him always elicits "why can't I come home with you?"
Sorry to be so wordy here but why do some caregivers survive the caring at home until the end and some don't do that well? Guess the bottom line is "did I give up too soon?"
Stress, anxiety, feeling better with much needed time, etc. are all there. Maybe call it doubt or just a haunting feeling of did I do right, plus the financial burdens that now exist... I need conviction of putting this to rest and accepting it is for the best. I love my husband so very much and wish it didn't have to come to this...but it has. Maybe this is magnified post holidays or some such?
Enough ranting, just looking for opinions from you caregivers out there. Thank you for listening.

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LuvRLabs2, you did the right thing.... just think of it this way, now you are back being hubby's wife, and not his 24 hour caregiver. And as you know, dementia only gets worse, not better.

Being you have been married 54 years, that tells me you are a senior citizen yourself, right? Next time you are at hubby's memory care facility, look around, do you see anyone of your age working there? There is a reason for that, we just cannot do it any longer. Our get up and go had gone up and went.

I am so glad you are doing volunteer work, that is super great :)) It will give you a sense of well being and being around people you can talk with. I do volunteer work and my work partner and I had a lot in common as she is dealing with very elderly in-laws and the whole in-law family are hypochondriacs.
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LUV, I could have written your post. We've been married 55 yrs. Husband diagnosed with Vascular Dementia 3 yrs. ago, but saw signs before that. I won't go into long scenario, but I was exhausted, trying to care for him with issues of my own (osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia, depression) sole caregiver. When he fell in Aug. & ended up in ICU with congestive heart failure, family doc & geriatric doc said time for skilled NH, he went to a wonderful NH mile & half from home. BUT, after 2 weeks he was doing so good that they said he could come home. With much soul searching, I contacted an Elder Care lawyer (Thank God for Discover credit card loan) he was able to get him in on Medicaid. We lost in 2008 & are living in a mobile home & was able to qualify. From reading & talking to social workers, etc. I know that VD progresses. But, he is doing so well & begs me to take him home & I leave him with my heart feeling like it is ripping out, have developed palpitations that doctor says are anxiety attacks, constantly asking myself whether I did right thing, thinking maybe I could take care of him at home. People at NH assure me that others have the same guilt feelings & he is doing so well because he is getting 24/7 structured care etc. It just helps to see posts like yours & know that others have same feelings. So thankful I discovered this site. So, I guess I was doing the same as you--ranting & looking for opinions.
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Luv, you didn't fail your husband --- dementia arrived! It seems to me that you did EVERYTHING right. It isn't about you learning better methods of care. The memory care facility has around the clock help. They have people who do the laundry, order and prepare food, dispense meds, etc. etc.
You are feeling stronger and able to participate in volunteering etc since you have regrouped and gotten more strength. As to his question, can I come home with you? -- try to depart from him when he is fully immersed in an activity. Eating, socializing, a nap, whatever. The 'good' part of dementia is he is unlikely to remember when you left the previous day. I used to slip away from my Mom when she dozed off. Or when it was time for lunch, I would bring her to her table, encourage beverage drinking, and tell her I was going to do my grocery shopping while she ate. Never, I'll see you tomorrow. Keep us posted.
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"I love my husband so much and wish it didn't have to come to this"....sad words, but we hear them over and over here on this site.

You did the right thing. If you had gone downhill much further, how much care could you honestly have given him?

If you bring him home, which you certainly could, if you really you think suddenly you'll have energy and strength again? Go with your gut.

EVERY caregiving experience is different from the next. It's apples and oranges. I could have cared for my sweet grandmother with joy in my heart, my own mother...we wouldn't last a week.

Holidays do indeed magnify all the feelings we have--the loss of togetherness is glaring, the pain of what used to be, as opposed to what is now--I personally do not enjoy Christmas at all--and I am not alone.

Take a few weeks. Give hubby more time and take care of yourself.

My grandma kept Grandpa home until he became "violent". She always said "I just don't want him to outlive my love for him". He didn't.

All the best to you.
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