Dad passed eight weeks ago. Mom at first was in a frenzied state getting rid of all dad's things. This greatly upset myself and my sister. Now mom(84) is greatly depressed and chooses to sleep most of day. She complains she cannot sleep at night. She is still eating and has some activity. Mom has a sitter four hours a day to help with many things including showers, meals, etc. Any suggestions how I can walk her through this time? The only hobby mom really has is complaining and causing conflict wherever she can. She has no interest in hobbies. Her personality is very narcissistic. She has been diagnosed with mild dementia and mobility is an issue due to bad knees. Is this anger a new level of dementia or just grief? Her primary care doctor is very aware of her depression but she is already taking enough meds. I have decided to take care of her from a distance somewhat because her constant agitation and anger is focused on me, her primary caregiver. I have reduced face to face visits and shortened the time I am at her apartment. She adores her sitter and enjoys her time with her. I have a 91 year old aunt to care for also and other stressors. I am 64 but still healthy physically. Mom is exhausting.

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Your Mom may do better in an Independent, or more appropriate Assisted Living Community where often the mutual hobby is complaints about food, staff, life in general and most of all the ungrateful kids. I am partially kidding here, but there is a grain of truth as I love the realistic choices you have made for yourself and your recognition that the primary hobby for your Mom is, and always was, complaining. Lucky Narcissists! They do not grieve overly long because basically it is all about them. All about the effect on them. So the level of complaints will ramp up. But she already decided to address all this by ignoring it. She will grieve. It's worth grieving. I usually recommend a beautiful scapbook, but if you decide upon that make it mostly about "Mom's life".
Get all the paperwork in place for POA and etc. This may not be a move that will be made willingly if at all. But many who thought they would hate it, learn to love it, and cares and worries about anything other than bingo and complaint hour just melt away.
Wishing you best of luck and loving your realistic and compassionate attitude. Wish you could teach a class on it.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
InFamilyService Aug 15, 2020
Thank you very much for validating my feelings and actions and giving me good advice. Sister and I are starting to plan for a move now either to AL or memory care.
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