How do I handle my spouse in the advanced stages of dementia when she insists on me taking her home when she is at home?

Is she on anti-anxiety meds? It might be worth seeing if they give her some peace.

if it is possible...a short ride and then returning home can relax the anxiety.

Taking her for drives and back home might work. My mom would wait for me at assisted living to get her and take her home, which was most likely her childhood home. I'd drive her into the countryside or to the mountains and back to assisted living. That worked for years. If your spouse is not able to handle going for outings, maybe take her around in the house and back to her room. Trying to convince her that she is home will not work. It's exhausting, I know, but keep trying to divert the conversation or telling her what time you will be taking her home, after lunch, tomorrow, whatever will satisfy for the moment.

I love all the suggestions so far; do know this is very very common and a question we have seen before on AC. You cannot know, in the case of dementia, what "old home" she is imagining. The one from childhood? The one from early marriage? If you have photo albums and scrapbooks, sit with her and look through them. She may suddenly say "There's HOME! Why don't we go back there". And again, she may not. All of this just comes out of a mind so different to yours it is not understandable. As the late Oliver Sacks, who studied the aging brain with such fascination, said: "They have a whole world; it just isn't OUR world." I sure wish you the best. Meanwhile deflect with "I think we are going tomorrow" when "We ARE home" doesn't work.

I have found with my wife, it is not a physical place it is a mental place. It is back where she knows what's going on.
It can be very difficult to face this with them. We must remember their brain does not work like ours.

Do you want to try a repatative answer that may have a short term calming effect? Answer her that you are working on it and good things take time..

Also (along with these other suggestions) listen to Teepa Snow on YouTube. She can divert conversations to things like “what do you miss about one?”

My wife would ask I told her she is home now and try to change the subject.

Sounds like she needs a Geriatric psychiatrist who can prescribe medications to deal with her mental health problems and help you understand how the brain gets stuck in time and memories.

My husband is blind and has Dementia and he often asks about going home. I say many scenarios: we are already at home, we’ll go home tomorrow, it’s too late at night we’ll go home tomorrow, or we’re in our hometown already, I try to stay positive in my response, so he’ll know I’m listening to him. Sometimes, I’ll walk around inside the house with him this gives him a sense of traveling home.

Wanting to go home, for a dementia patient, is most often him expressing a desire for comfort and familiarity, of how things were when she was young and living with not a care in the world. She can BE at home and ask to GO home, which frequently happens. She's not looking for a brick and mortar building as much as a place in time she's lost, sadly. She's looking for comfort.

The worst thing you can do is to tell her she IS home because she won't be comforted by that statement and may actually get more agitated instead. Hug her and tell her you love her very much and hold her hand, kiss her cheek. Let her know you'll always be there for her as a familiar loved one. Then offer her a snack or to walk around the grounds with her. Divert her, in other words.

Best of luck to you navigating a tough situation

We are still in our home of 30 years. I have tried the walking around the yard. Usually she understands.

Sometimes I take her to the basement and show her familiar items, this can work.

Thanks for all your ideas, I would like to think I'll get a handle on this, maybe in time.

Richk55: Unfortunately your spouse lacks the capacity to understand that home, to her, is not really a brick and mortar structure, but rather a place where she lived as a much younger person. You'll have to change the conversation, e,g. 'let's get a snack/treat.'

Just drive them around the block. Then, pull into your driveway. It worked for us.

Be careful about wandering. She may slip out in the dead of night to find her "home". In my MIL's case we installed a latch high on the front door out of her reach.

I wrote this poem when she was wandering:

Is this my home, I’m not so sure.
The rooms look strange, do I live here?

I’ll walk tonight to my childhood farm,
It’s just beyond the door, what’s the harm?

I’m down the street, a block away,
No moon tonight and I’ve lost my way.

I have no coat and I’m very cold.
I live around here, I think I’m told.

Alzheimer's is a dread disease.
Which way home, tell me please.

She is remembering "a home" from her past. Ask her about what home looks, smells, sounds... like. Try to incorporate some of these experience memories in the evenings - when she is more likely to be tired and confused.

This is hard, but it happens a lot. Resist the urge to say “You are home,” because arguing will only make her feel worse. Probably she isn’t feeling comfortable, or “at home” in that moment, and wants to be where she will feel better. Sometimes leaving a place for a while and coming back is helpful. You might try asking some questions to see where “home” is to her right then. It might be the last place she lived, or where she lived as a child. Maybe it’s somewhere you lived as a young couple. That can give you a clue to what she is missing, and offers you some ideas of ways to make her feel better. What are some of the things about that particular “home” that she loved? Is she missing her parents and wants to feel safe? Offer her reassurance that she is cared for and protected. Use opportunities to “segue” into a familiar, pleasant subject. “I remember your mom made the best chocolate cake. I wonder if we have any chocolate cake. Let’s go make some coffee and see.” Talk about the little kitchen in your first house, maybe dig up some old pictures, or play some old music from that time period. When all else fails, focus on the feelings, and let her know you’re there for her. “I know you don’t feel at home right, now, and I’m sorry. Can I do anything to make you feel better?” For more helpful advice like this and other tips for caregivers of people living with dementia, visit St. John's Online Dementia Resource Center at https://dementia.stjohnsliving.org/