How do I handle my 87 year old mom with dementia and MS who is afraid l will die before her and wants to learn how to handle our finances?
My mom is 87 has MS and dementia and cannot remember literally anything even 30 seconds later. She's constantly worried that I'll die first and asking me to teach her how to go to the bank, so she can get money when I'm sick or dying to keep the house going. I totally understand her but cannot for the life of me reassure her that I have everything taken care of for anything that happens and that she and my 97 year old dad also with dementia will be fine and that I'm not going to die first anyway. She will ask again and again up to 50 times per day or more and nothing makes her feel better. I have an adult son and also tell her that if I'm sick he will care for them and me (he lives 40 minutes away) and our household finances.
At one point I told her that she is just not capable anymore of handling these things and she insists she is. I feel it's cruel to tell her that and I only did out of frustration.
I also tell her that the Lord Jesus said to think of today only and not of tomorrow and to have faith, as we are both religious, but even that doesn't help.
Any suggestions?
4 Answers
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Make one clear confident sounding statement answer. Make it short. Easy. No further discussion.
Eg Son (insert name) will do the banking.
Meanwhile I should pick one line and stick to it, rather than trying to find an argument that will actually convince her. Repeating the same reassurance in the same words will be tedious for you but it shouldn't be quite so emotionally draining.
How about drafting a "manual" with "In Case of Emergency" on the cover and containing a list of instructions. E.g. 1. Call Grandson on [tel no.]. 2. Medications and prescription in [location]. Pharmacy tel. PCP tel. 3. Bank Manager tel. for account advice and instructions.* 4. Advance directive documents in bureau.
Etc - anything else that she might conceivably need for reference in a hurry, only I wouldn't include any useable confidential information in case she decides to start sharing it inappropriately.
Anyway - the idea is that you can then refer her to this nice clear document. Only you'll still have to be prepared to go over it with her.
We completed these manual while my folks were still alive, just in case. We are constantly updating them.
This list goes on and on :)
NO amount of reassurance helped my mom. If one thing got solved, something else popped up to upset her. Meds worked.