How do I fade out my nightly visits to my mom in memory care?

What if you start switching out some evenings to a phone call (or video / FaceTime chat if she could use an iPad / tablet ) on some evenings ? Then go from there …

She has her expectations. There isn’t any way to change how she feels about it. We can’t control another person’s emotions.

Obviously, you care about your mom. She looks forward to seeing you. Please know that you aren’t shortchanging your mom if you aren’t there at the same time every evening.

Visit when you want to. Be comforted knowing that she isn’t alone when you can’t be there.

How long has she been there? Does she interact with the staff? Have you spoken with them about your concerns?

Do you speak with her on the phone? Or just in person visits. Give her a call and check in with her or with the staff to catch up.

Wishing you and your mom all the best.

I have to ask an obvious question: how does she even remember that you come at the same time every night or what time you usually come?

Are you making this assumption (and association) because she's in an anxious state when you get there?

Is the staff telling you?

She could be sundowning, or just have anxiety in general, which would be very common for someone with dementia.

Is she on any meds for anxiety currently?

Any more info you can provide would be helpful.

Most MC facilities have things that the patient can do by themselves. The staff is not there to entertain, they have a job to do.

I am 76, after dinner, I kick back and relax, all by myself. It is just fine. I am very busy all day.

I am surprised that the staff did not tell you in the first couple of weeks, for the most part, stay away so that the person can acclimate themselves to their new home.

By going every day you are hindering the process. I would start cutting back, jtell her that you cannot come every day, get yourself back to a normal life her being overly dependent on you is not the answer. Good Luck

Is it possible to hire a private-pay companion to stay with your mother a few hours a night a few times a week so you don't have to be there every day?

I'm sorry to hear that your mother refused to try to acclimate into assisted living. Memory care can be a terrible place for a person to be when they aren't completely out of it with dementia.

I'd look into hiring a private companion of I were you. If it's not possible to financially, there are organizations who do volunteer work keeping elderly people company in care facilities. Ask at the facility she's in if they have any information on it.

I'd start visiting at different times so that she doesn't have any expectation of when you will be there - for example pop in for 15 minutes when you go to pick up your groceries and then tell her that since you are there now you won't be seeing her that night. And then as strugglinson has suggested a phone call to remind her you won't be there but are thinking of her. Don't allow yourself to get stuck on the phone for hours, she needs to figure out how to fill her evenings without you.

I think you just honestly tell her that you cannot continue, that you are unable to keep up the daily visits. That you will be visiting three or four times a week.
Will she be unhappy about this, perhaps agitated? Yes. That is for staff to work on. She is likely to adjust.

This isn't fair. Your mother is, if she is competent, being quite selfish in this expectation. I suspect that is because there is some level of dementia. That level of dementia will prevent her in all likelihood from "hanging onto this" and working it over and over in her mind.

She may require sedation at some point. Again, that's a medical decision, and memory care will help in coordinating that.

You didn't cause all this and can't fix it, and making yourself overwhelmed and ill won't help anything. I think a real problem that the children of elders have is that they feel obligated to make life OK. Life is NEVER OK. It wasn't OK for your Mom when she was an able young woman, when she was a mom with a family. Life is ALWAYS full of sad realities. This is one.

I found at my Moms AL that after dinner was a busy time for the aides. At dinner they were required to serve the meal. Afterward to clean up. Then take the residents back to their rooms and get them ready for the night. As in put them in their PJs then put them in front of the TV. Later, put them to bed. And this is more than 1 resident and each with different needs.

Me, because Mom would not sit down to eat unless there was food already there, I started coming before dinner. The problem was, Mom would not eat salad. So I sat with her till the main course was served. The aide would say "ready" and I would take Mom to the table. Kiss her on the cheek and leave. She was busy eating.

Just read one of your replies. Yes, the time you are going is a bad time for those with Dementia. Maybe her Meds do need to be tweaked and given to her around mealtime. This may help with her anxiety. I really see no problem in you visiting after dinner but staying till bedtime may be a little too long. She needs to get used to the staff doing for her.

These visits won’t last forever. Keep in mind that some time in the future, when circumstances are different, you may long for the opportunity.

That is a symptom of dementia. If you want to support her, just plug your nose and make sure you show up every night at the same time. It's not forever. If she is in memory care, she doesn't have much time left. Your visit is probably the single most important thing to give her any quality in her life. Why not send her off in style?

Of course, that type of consistency is really hard. You might want to speak to a social worker at the institution and ask for assistance in how to communicate in advance with your mother. With my husband, I tell him every day for about a week that I won't be able to come on a certain day and then the day of I call him about 5 times to remind him I won't be coming that evening. Before I call him, I make sure the staff knows I will be calling so he won't miss my call. I find being a Caregiver for a dementia patient just like being a mom. I will never forget the moment my babies first discovered their fist and just started gazing at it. As a Mom, it is so exciting to wantch your babies grow. With my husband, it is exactly the same in reverse. I want him to have as much joy as possible before he transitions.

You do not have to visit her nightly. How about once a week at your convenience? Have the staff contact you when anything very important happens.

Unlike what some have suggested, people can live for a long time in memory care if they are otherwise healthy and are in a fairly early stage of disease. We are talking 5 or more years. Once you have started daily visits it is going to be a difficult period to change it, for both of you, until her disease has progressed further. You have to go cold turkey for a few days (or longer) and let her and the staff deal with her agitation. What if you got covid or had to have surgery? Then you would be forced to do this. When you go see her again don't stay as long. When you leave tell her you will see her in a couple of days. That is vague enough for my mom that she doesn't expect to see me at a certain time or day. She is very happy to see me when I go visit.

Having her pre-medicated for the anxiety so when you don't show up--she doesn't wig out.

I know, I say a lot about medicating people with anxiety, but anxiety is painful to live with and painful to see.

I'd also go different times of the day and switch it out.

Our church community was visiting a sister in a NH, every single day for over a year. we'd all go about 2 pm b/c that was her 'best time'--but when it became a real burden and she wasn't remembering anyone's visits--we stopped going. She became anxious if people came and anxious if they didn't so overall, it wasn't helping.

Just a sad SE from brain trauma. Going to see her for an hour was like having 4 separate 15 minute visits. She didn't enjoy them and began reaching out to other residents, which worked out better in the long run.

Leave her care to the professionals. That is why she is in MC. she has dementia. If you change your routine she will eventually forget. There will be a new state of normal for her.

Do what you can at the times you can. Make the adjustments as you see fit. What would happen if for some reason (god forbid) you could no longer visit anymore. She would have to adjust.

Stop feeling guilty and go live your life. Be glad she is safe and cared for.

LakesideLife800: You should be able to taper back as your mother is in the care of medical professionals.

can you go see her at different times shorter times. longer times. switch it up. bring her chocolate or something she loves. she just going to have to get mad and deal with it. i’m sorry i went to see my mom a few times a week while she was in memory care. most the time i was the trigger and had to walk away. do what you have the energy and mental capacity to do 🩷