For various reasons, I began visiting my mother in her new memory care placement at the same time each evening (after dinner until bedtime). She now expects me to come every night at the same time, and if I don't (or even if I am running late), she becomes extremely agitated.
I don't mind visiting nightly (when I can), but I don't want to have to be there at the exact same time every night.
Any advice on how to fade out my visits, or at least change the time of day I visit?
Will she be unhappy about this, perhaps agitated? Yes. That is for staff to work on. She is likely to adjust.
This isn't fair. Your mother is, if she is competent, being quite selfish in this expectation. I suspect that is because there is some level of dementia. That level of dementia will prevent her in all likelihood from "hanging onto this" and working it over and over in her mind.
She may require sedation at some point. Again, that's a medical decision, and memory care will help in coordinating that.
You didn't cause all this and can't fix it, and making yourself overwhelmed and ill won't help anything. I think a real problem that the children of elders have is that they feel obligated to make life OK. Life is NEVER OK. It wasn't OK for your Mom when she was an able young woman, when she was a mom with a family. Life is ALWAYS full of sad realities. This is one.
I am 76, after dinner, I kick back and relax, all by myself. It is just fine. I am very busy all day.
I am surprised that the staff did not tell you in the first couple of weeks, for the most part, stay away so that the person can acclimate themselves to their new home.
By going every day you are hindering the process. I would start cutting back, jtell her that you cannot come every day, get yourself back to a normal life her being overly dependent on you is not the answer. Good Luck
Do what you can at the times you can. Make the adjustments as you see fit. What would happen if for some reason (god forbid) you could no longer visit anymore. She would have to adjust.
Stop feeling guilty and go live your life. Be glad she is safe and cared for.
Obviously, you care about your mom. She looks forward to seeing you. Please know that you aren’t shortchanging your mom if you aren’t there at the same time every evening.
Visit when you want to. Be comforted knowing that she isn’t alone when you can’t be there.
How long has she been there? Does she interact with the staff? Have you spoken with them about your concerns?
Do you speak with her on the phone? Or just in person visits. Give her a call and check in with her or with the staff to catch up.
Wishing you and your mom all the best.
Memory Care keeps them quite busy during the day, but after dinner there are no structured activities. And I honestly don't know how much interaction she'll have with staff at that time - the nurses look pretty busy keeping up with their duties with other residents.
We haven't gotten her phone hooked up yet, but that's the next step...so perhaps that will help. I haven't gotten to know all the staff and routines yet, so maybe as I get more comfortable, she will too!
Me, because Mom would not sit down to eat unless there was food already there, I started coming before dinner. The problem was, Mom would not eat salad. So I sat with her till the main course was served. The aide would say "ready" and I would take Mom to the table. Kiss her on the cheek and leave. She was busy eating.
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