How do I decide if I can really handle having in laws move into our home in our basement in-law-apartment?

Just reading what you wrote makes me realize that you know deep in your heart, with all you have on your plate, YOU CANNOT ALLOW THEM TO COME INTO YOUR HOME. I assure you, with many years of experience behind me, if you allow them to come, YOU and your family will have a terrible impact. Do NOT do it. Your job is to take care of YOU and YOUR family. Do not feel guilty. This is the cycle of life. They lived their lives and now it is your turn. You must find a safe place and put them where they will be cared for and you can still be in their lives but at a safe distance where you won't be destroyed. There simply is NO question but that this is the only choice. I wish you peace. No one wants to be placed but it is a fact of life that sometimes it is a necessity - be strong and do NOT give in. You will regret giving up your lives and that is what will happen.

People need to see that this is a job no one can do. Al and MC have teams of people to take care of them. There are also activities and other people for company if they want new friends. I find that old folks who do not want this, but want a person they know to take care of them, want someone they can control. Even getting them to do things they should not do. They get worse in time. Because you do care about them it is even harder on you. Also some care requires professional training.

Thank-you everyone for your response. After much angst, my husband told his parents that they could not live with us. At the same time he told his father he didn’t want him driving anymore but when his father pushed back they agreed to only to no night time driving. When my husband and I talked about daily in home care and AL. He said that he couldn’t push then on either but would get them to wear a fall necklace. My husband is really struggling with overriding any of their decisions. I am relieved that living with us is off the table, however I can see that my husband is going let things go until there is an event that forces him otherwise. As these are his parents, not mine, the ultimate decision is his. I have been clear that I’m very concerned about a car accident that could involve others however my husband is not willing to override his father. He is however going on an appointment with him today, as the passenger in the car, to experience first hand his driving

I am so relieved that we have agreed that they won’t be living here and will be proactive in my husband’s and my elder plans so that my children do not have to go through this. BTW, our son is doing great. Sober, stable, and back to school (3 years plus)!

We also finished our basement, thinking my mother would eventually come live with us. Then I took care of her for a few months over the summer when she was scheduled for surgery. It was overwhelming! She wouldn't let me out of her sight, needed something from me every moment, wouldn't let me leave the house or even work on my computer at home. While it was difficult at the time, I am grateful that I had the chance to try out being her full-time caregiver before she moved in with us. I know now that I can't do it going forward. We still have kids living with us, have two full-time jobs, etc... In short, we have too many other responsibilities to provide 24-hour a day care for anyone. Please think carefully about what you will be getting into before you invite your in-laws to move in. I told my mom that I couldn't do it; I told her she needs more help than I can give her, and that I'm not home enough to provide the care she needs. Good luck!

Even if the basement has a ground level door and they hire home care, as others have suggested, you will still be in charge of overseeing it all and it is exhausting. After 7 years of hardly ever finishing a thought or task of my own, without my mom needing something, I moved her to assisted living. I still see her every day and I'm now her company and her daughter again. I take her to appointments, for rides in the countryside, and bring her to my house for a visit with my cat. Otherwise I'm free to work and think. My husband and I have little desire to travel, but we do enjoy our peace and quiet in the evenings now. I had only one elderly person to look after. Three? Very difficult. I suggest that basement be for your son if he wishes. One of my sons, who has substance abuse issues too, was better off when he lived with family. It kept him under watch and he actually appreciated that. On his own he is too easily persuaded into wrong behavior. Luckily, now he has a partner who helps keep him in check. Whatever it takes. Otherwise he would probably die.

I am three years into it, having my mother come and live with me. I had no real idea of what it would entail. Original boundaries were a good idea, but physical decline and need have eroded those boundaries. Life as you once knew it is over. My retirement dreams vanished. Needs and responsibilities take over. I wish I had known what I know now. I would have made other arrangements. She does not want to leave my home now, but it will have to be. I cannot assist with showering and toileting. I told her that in the beginning. But the struggle begins.

Be honest with your loved ones and your selves. Good intentions are not enough. It really is a life of self sacrifice in every way. So count up the costs and decide whether you can make the daily payments as long as they live with you.

We took my parents, mother and stepdad, in a year and half ago thinking it’d be better quality of life for them. They were in an independent living apartment but did not utilize all the amenities available for socializing, meals, etc. we were going over there all the time for drs appts in the facility and grocery shopping trips even though they had access to two meals a day. They weren’t happy there at all. So we put a suite addition on and moved them in. Ugh. There is no getting better once dementia no matter how mild is the diagnosis. We are now stuck with dealing with all drs appts providing some socialization and caring for meds and the never ending battle to get mom to shower shampoo. It’s waaay more than we realized and now regret as we are both starting retirement and can’t make any plans without someone here to take care of them. Both are physically healthy. There is no end in sight. Be cautious in making that decision.

If you have a finished basement and you can treat it as a separate house, this could possibly work, assuming it is a walk-out basement. You have to establish firm boundaries up front and stick to them. There also needs to be a CLEAR understanding of what you will and will not do for them and when they will go from living in your basement to a SNF. For me, it would be any of these:
*the need for a 2 person assist in ambulating
*fecal incontinence with inability to clean up after themselves
*being totally bedridden
*dementia with sun downing, wandering off, or anger/violence

They need to be clear that you and your husband are NOT their social committee or entertainment. You should set up as much help as possible with their showering and dressing when/if assistance is needed. Make sure they do NOT have access to the basement stairs because elderly people, for some reason, love to try to climb onto things, just like babies!

Do not, I repeat, do not have your in-laws or anyone else move in with you! Your home should be the place where you can come to and revive yourself and find refuge from the world. I know how difficult it is to have to find a place for your family members to live now that they are not capable of taking care of themselves, but I do not see how having them live in your basement. Not a good place for them. Having them live in an assisted living home or memory care facility is not cruel. Actually, it is the best possible place for them to be and shows how much you value their care. I recently placed my mother in a memory care facility. She told me for the last several years that she hoped she'd never have to go to a place like that. So it was heart wrenching for me at the beginning. However, I soon realized there was no way I could keep my sanity and be there for others or function at an adequate level if I moved her to my home. Please don't let your guilt feelings get in the way of doing the right thing for your loved ones. Just make sure you visit them regularly and check to make sure things are going well for them.

I am sorry to hear about your son. My nephew is addicted to heroin and it takes a toll.
I read your post and it is so clear your gut is saying no don't do it.
I wish I had listened to my dad and my mom when they told us we would be making a mistake. We thought the decision we were making was for maybe a max of 2 years. We are just under 13 years later & it only gets worse with age regardless of how much love is in the family.
Please listen to yourself and make the right decision for you. It isn't selfish or wrong to do what's best for you & your husband.
And...I always wonder why people can't vent anymore without apologizing. I for one am hear to listen, learn and vent.
Bless you

Disaster waiting to happen

Think long and hard about this. I would advise against it.

My husband and I just had my father-in-law who is 80 years old move in with us from Oregon to Sacramento CA 3 months ago. We knew a year ago this might happen because his he was facing health issues and couldn’t care for himself anymore. His wife passed 5 years ago and he didn’t have any other family except us. We also have two adult children, our daughter 20 is at UOA in her 2nd year and our son 25 is graduating in May 2020 from Sacramento State. We were almost empty nesters at 58 years old with our own dreams of traveling and considering early retirement but now this has all changed. Please think it through very carefully because even though my father-in-law is able to walk, talk and get around now this may not always be the case. It’s has been an adjustment for us and I’ve never had to live with anyone other than my husband and children. Some days are okay and other days I just want to pull my hair out lol 😂. It’s stressful because he’s hard of hearing, forgetful, whistles all day long ( which bothers me only) and moves and eats very slow. I’ve learned in a short period of time that living elderly people is like having 5 year olds all over again. You have to have a lot of PATIENCE!! Be realistic when making this decision with your husband. Consider moving your in laws into an assisted living facility and maybe have your mom move in with you. Wishing you all the best and Happy New Year❣️

Looks like the overwhelming majority vote on this is a resounding NO! I wholeheartedly agree.

The fact that you are posing these questions shows how reluctant you are to do this. Your in-laws sound like they are going to require 24 hour monitoring.

How will they get up and down the stairs to the basement. What about shopping for food and household supplies? How will they get to dr appointments? Church and social outings? If there is an emergency how will that be handled. If there is a fire can they get themselves out of the basement?

How much of this burden will fall to you? Is your husband willing to do 50% of the work this will require? Can he handle the medications, incontinence issues, cleaning?

I know from only a brief experience with my mother that it's a 24/7 job. Even now with her in AL it seems I am constantly on call to pay bills, shop for supplies and clothing, organize medical visits, etc.

Please explore other senior living options, discuss this with professionals too for unbiased advice. Good luck.

If you are asking yourself if you can handle it, I would say don't do it. You really do not need to be responsible for anything else, you already have enough on your plate.

And mom with mobility issues, a basement apartment definitely will not work, it is not a safe solution.

This is a tough situation and you have plenty of problems yourself, along with aging and the desire to live a bit. You are being perfectly normal and sensible. These people will get increasingly worse problems and I assure you, it will all fall on you. Be absolutely strong and say NO NO NO. This is the last and maybe only chance you will get for yourselves. If you give in, I assure you, you will have no life and you will slowly be destroyed. No matter how stubborn, etc., don't give in - it will eventually become a hell you can't get yourself out of. Place them - no if's, and's or but's. You deserve this time in peace.

How about this--move the couple in their 90s into your mother's house. Your mother, age 84, can take care of them! Does this sound crazy? About as crazy as moving them into your own house!

As for "slowing down cognitively," it may be much worse than you realize. You have probably already seen some red flags with their thinking, speech, and behavior, so no wonder you're concerned. It's very likely they are hiding some of the worst symptoms from you. Can they add and subtract? Can they tell time? Can they read numbers in a chart or columns? Can they understand a one-page letter from the insurance company or the doctor's office? How many tries does it take for them to correctly write a check for a bill? And where do they put the checks they made a mistake on--out on the curb on trash and recycling day, where a scammer could find them? Ask them, "How old were you 20 years ago?" If you get a lot of hmm-ing and irritation and changing the subject, there's your answer.

I think you already know how to make the decision...........you say No to the in-laws and help them get settled into Assisted Living instead of your basement. At 90 and 94, with the issues they're currently suffering, it's only going to go downhill from HERE. And then what? It's already too much for you to handle alone, never mind what's in store for you a little bit down the road. The falls, the incontinence, the dementia..........it's entirely too much for anyone to handle alone in their home. Not to mention it will ruin YOUR retirement years and you already have ENOUGH on your plate!!

Now, you will hear people laying on the guilt trips, saying it's your obligation to care for ALL the elders in your life, blah blah and yada yada. It's important to take what you like from these comments here and leave the rest (I haven't read your comments, I just know what to expect after being here for a few years and reading others). And, from personal experience, I can tell you that I placed both my folks in AL back in 2014 after dad fell and broke his hip. He wound up passing in 2015 and mother is now 93 next month and still living in AL, but in the Memory Care section now. There is NO WAY on God's green earth I could be caring for her in my home; she is wheelchair bound, has dementia, 100% incontinence & wets the bed EVERY night no matter WHAT, is mostly deaf, has AFIB and CHF, vertigo, neuropathy........and the list goes on and on. It's way too much for me, at 62, to handle MY life, my husband, my home, etc, AND my mother..........nope, not happening. And there is no 'guilt' involved b/c she is getting MUCH better care on a 24/7 basis over THERE than I could ever give her over HERE, let's face it.

Tour a few ALs and give the in laws a choice of 2. I suggest a privately owned AL rather than corporately owned; corporate is only after the $$$ while private has a whole different attitude & philosophy where the resident comes first. There is a TON of things to do at ALs and they'll have one another, so they should adjust well in time.

Best of luck!

If you need to vent, and to even ask this question, your sub conscience is throwing up a big warning sign. It can see trouble with a capital T coming your way. As you indicate, both you and your husband are declining too and that will affect how well you would cope with aging, deteriorating elders more or less coming into your care. As you have experienced, caring is a very stressful role at the best of times and can take a huge toll on ones well being.
Given your own emotional and mental state I recommend you speak to your doctor about this before taking a single step forward. He or she will give you an unbiased and honest opinion about how this prospective arrangement would impact your own health and your ability to take on further responsibilities.

The in laws need 24/7 supervision. You cannot provide that.

Your son needs a calm environment in which to study and continue along his road of recovery. He hopefully has a long life ahead of him and deserves the best

Your Mum may at some point require care. You are setting a precedent, where will you house her?

Just because the in laws do not want to move into a retirement home, does not automatically mean you have to provide them with a home. This is about Needs, not Wants. They need 24/7 supervision.

You and your husband deserve to spend your retirement in travel etc. It is the parents' responsibility to accept that you will not be providing their care and they need to look into other options.

My husband would refurbish our basement into an apartment for Mom, but doesn’t make sense because she won’t do any type of exercise to strengthen her legs, let alone walk up and down the street occasionally. At 79, her mobility will only decline, making steps virtually impossible.

If you are already overwhelmed, sounds like that can only get worse if you decide to have your in-laws live with you. At 90 & 94, their care will only increase. Doesn’t sound like what your future looked like. Have you had a discussion with husband about his wishes and desires for your future together?

The way I’m making my decision about Mom’s potential dementia diagnosis is by knowing what my parameters are (me and my husband). I KNOW that if she had to move, she would not be happy living with us. I’m her PoA and Advanced Directives, but she wants no help whatsoever from anyone, including us.

If you’ve already got a lot going on in your home and caring for elderly was not in your plans for the future, it would be time to search out assisted living.

Hope you are able to come to a reasonable decision about your future. Prayers going up for you.

You know I think people who haven't had to physically care for someone look at having a parent live with them with "Rose Colored Glasses". They see where the media portrays it as everyone living together so nicely. Grandpa sitting in his favorite chair taking a nap. Grandma in hers knitting away. The old TV shows show a "senile" LO siiting in a chair all day staring at the wall. Caregivers will say thats not how it is.

I would not even mention the apartment to in-laws. If they have money, then they can use it for their care. Get them help or try to steer them towards an AL. You do have enough on ur plate. Your son is ur priority. He has a future and he needs you for support. At 60, it would be a huge adjustment.

How are they going to be able to get in and out of a basement In-Law Apartment?
Do they have funds to pay for caregivers? If so make that a part of the conditions that they agree to PRIOR to moving in. With caregivers in place you can go on your trips and maintain most of your life as usual.
Is the In Law Apartment set up with...
Wide halls, no carpeting, wide doorways, barrier free bathroom large enough to move equipment in and out of, barrier free shower that a wheel chair can roll into, secondary exit that they will be able to use easily in an emergency? I could go on with other things but you get the idea.
The slowing down cognitively at 90 or 94 I would not worry about the problem would be if the slow down cognitively occurred at 60 or 70 then the prospect of a cognitive decline for 20 or 30 years would be more of a concern.
This could be a "we can try it and see" situation and give it 6 months and if it works out great if not then a move to Assisted Living or if necessary Memory Care could be discussed. (If both are mobile and able to care for them selves to some degree a Skilled Nursing Facility ((aka Nursing home))would not be necessary)

At their age they have mobility issues, will they be able to climb the stairs from the basement to come into your home? Sometimes, even 2 or 3 steps can cause a major issue with the elderly. As much as everyone would like to age in their own home, it is not always possible or safe for them to do so. When they require help from others to do basic things, they have already lost some of their independence. You and your husband would be better off finding a place for both of them and you can visit them as often as you like, knowing they are being taken care of by professionals. Enjoy your life and retirement, you deserve it.

PLEASE don’t do it! It is so true, that you may expect them to live for a couple more years, only to be surprised by a seemingly unending obligation of your own creation.
it is my experience that the biggest obstacle to moving into a senior center is fear. They are afraid they will lose all control over their lives, don’t know if they’ll be treated nicely, that they are being abandoned. You are so lucky that they are both still alive and can be moved TOGETHER. Think about it, this will be much more comforting to them than going into the ‘dreaded place’ later and alone, after one of them passes.
Please, don’t even offer your home as an option. Don’t keep thinking that YOU are as strong as you once were — you’re not. Salvage what you can of your own life. Place them in an assisted living, and do it quickly while they still have the advantage of togetherness.

My husband & I 'convinced' his folks at age 82/83 to move back from Florida when we kept getting phone calls about one or the other having to go to the ER for various issues. Worst decision we ever made and it was largely my fault for thinking that they would only live another 5 years or so. We are now approaching 13 years of caregiving in our home and there seems to be no end in sight. I thought I would be good at taking care of things for them, but the things I am good at (keeping up with appointments, helping with chores they no longer can manage, running errands for them, etc.) they don't want my help; the things I won't do (personal hygiene, etc.), they expect us to do for them. I've now been retired for 4 years and we have no hope for any kind of vacation. Please don't do this out of guilt. It's overwhelming!

I think you have made your decision and have come here for moral support.

My mother, who also has mobility issues, routinely asks to move in with me. She cannot life one foot high enough to step up ONE step. I have 6 going downstairs and 5 coming out the 'back way'. Despite this obvious impediment, she still thinks it could be workable. (She currently lives with my YB and in her own apartment).

Let your folks decide, but first look into other options. Your home will be a halfway house for all the elderly, sick or afflicted within months.

And you really, really need to guard your own health. First and foremost, or you will be of no help to anyone.

"We haven’t truly researched retirement homes because of the in-laws push back on the idea." You've answered your own question i.e. start researching retirement homes and take moving into your basement apartment off the table.

You cannot make everyone happy. Accept that.

"How do you make a decision to have aged parents live with you and not end up feeling overwhelmed and like your own, already overly obligated life will be unmanageable?"

You don't make the decision to have them live with you for otherwise, you will end up feeling overwhelmed and your already overly obligated life will become unmanageable.