How do I deal with not wanting to care for a parent?

Put him in the nursing home with his wife. Seriously, even if he was the greatest father in the world you're not responsible for his care; and you sure as hell should not be feeling guilty for not wanting to be a full time caregiver to a deadbeat Dad. If he won't go to the nursing home, send him back to his own home to rot.

One of the most common trends I've seen on these forums and elsewhere is people that have bad relationships with their parents getting roped into caregiving and destroying their lives from it. Don't let that happen to you.

You have no earthly idea what "caregiver" means. Are you ready to change your parent's diapers, keep them clean, bathe them, brush their teeth (oral hygiene is absolutely essential to prevent pneumonia), feed them, and manage their bowels such as giving them an enema before they get impacted. Medications...insulin... Been there...done that..for YEARS. On top of that your siblings think caregiving is easy because they never had to deal with diapering, enemas, bathing them, feeding them...taking them to the emergency room over some UTI or respiratory infection...and when they "sundown" they will keep you up for hours with incessant talking saying the same thing over and over and over and over again. Keeping them safe and preventing falls IS a full time job in itself on top of the needs of living.

MEANWHILE you lose your job because caregiving is a FULL TIME JOB. And your life savings dwindles down to zero. Oh...your own siblings may fight over the estate after your parent dies.

Go ahead..be a caregiver. And LOSE YOUR OWN LIFE.

Been there..done that..now I"m 60 and having to start over again. On top of this CoVID-19 mess.

Although not my own personal experience many *many* on this forum are and have been in your shoes. I respect you for not just cutting and running -- just in that alone you are doing a merciful thing. You are under no obligation to care for him (I'm pretty sure forum sages will speak to you about F.O.G. : Fear, Obligation, Guilt and how to overcome it).

After you come to peace about "rehoming" him, you need to know what you actually can do about the situation.
- do you have durable PoA for him? Does anyone?
- has he ever been medically diagnosed (like it is in his records) with dementia, ALZ, Lewy-Body or any cognitive issues that affect his capacity to make rational decisions for himself?
- your profile says he can't afford in-home care, but do you know enough about his finances to know if he can private pay a facility, even for a short while?

Perhaps your father needs to know that if he doesn't cooperate APS will be called in and the county will pursue guardianship of him. They you are fully released of all of his care: medical, financial and anything else. Maybe this is the path you should take anyway. This is the "retirement" he planned for.

Answering these questions will enable the forum to give you practical suggestions. I know you will get all the moral support necessary to move forward in getting your father the appropriate care he requires. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart during the process. May it go quickly and smoothly!

Seems he needs care that is difficult for you - maybe just emotionally and maybe a lot of work. Please consider helping him into the same nursing home as his wife. Then, you can visit without the emotional burden that is causing you to feel burnt out. I would also suggest that you would benefit from counseling - either group or one-on-one to deal with your hurts from family life in the past. It is always better to get to a place of healing while the "difficult person" is alive than after they have passed.

First you have to recognize that you are not responsible for his care.

It does not change if he was a wonderful father or a crappy one, no child is responsible for providing care to their parent.

Next providing care, if you choose to do it, does not mean you have to do hands on caregiving in your home nor theirs.

He can go live in a care facility.

Please, dear friend, do not ruin your life. Please.

Imho, I full well understand the concept of caring for someone who was not a father to you when he should have been. His life now became a dilemma that encompassed you since you are a caring person. Since the two weeks has now clicked down, perhaps he should be placed with his wife in the Nursing Home.

You're not obligated to take care of your father for the duration; you've done enough. You said two weeks & you've given 2 months; that's plenty.

I don't think you should send your father 'back to his home to rot.'

I don't think you're a 'fool' for 'doing something you shouldn't be doing.'

I don't think you're a saint or trying to be a martyr, either.

I don't think you need the advice of a priest or a man of the cloth, nor do I think you should try to figure out which Medicare services he qualifies for, because that would be under the assumption he's staying with YOU, which I think is a mistake.

I do think you're overwhelmed with the prospect that lies before you, however. Even if your dad was the best father in the world for your entire life, it's STILL too much of a burden to take on the responsibility of in-home care for an elder (for the vast majority of us). And it's okay to feel that way; and to say it out loud; and to find alternative living arrangements for the man.

Why not place him with his wife in the same SNF she's at? I don't see what's to 'LOL' about that idea, either, frankly. By doing this, you are not abandoning him but placing him in a care environment where a whole team of people will be there 24/7 to see to his needs. That hardly constitutes abandonment, negligence or not caring.

Wanting to have YOUR life is not a sin or a crime or something to feel horrible about. Now, make it HAPPEN.

Wishing you the best of luck!

Acjamission712-

Your job is to find a place for him. A Social Worker must help you. Reach out, as soon as possible. Do not take no, for an answer. These people are paid for what they do.

After that, your job is to visit him once a month, at most.

He did what he was able to do, to help you out, growing up.

You owe him nothing. Do the above only is it will help you find peace for yourself.

D

It isn't an all or nothing. If it appears that he can no longer live independently, he should be placed in a nursing home. If he is improving some, he might qualify for in-home care. Either way, you need to stop the full-time caregiving and he needs to live somewhere else. That being said, you don't have to stop all help. You can find a level of commitment that feels right for you. Visit him once a week. Or take him out for lunch once a month. Or accompany him to doctor appointments. Or phone him now and then. Whatever makes you feel best. I suggest doing a little something, to assuage any guilt you might feel even if that feeling of guilt isn't warranted. Sometimes, our rational side understands, but our irrational side still speaks up. My point is that there are many ways to support him without giving up your energy, independence and sanity. You might benefit from some counseling too. It's terrible to feel abandoned as a child. Something like this happened to my mom and I was aware of how it influenced her. Hopefully your grandmother was loving to you and your brother. All the same, it must have felt bad even if it was the best choice at the time. Look at this difficult moment as a chance for growth, an opportunity of sorts, to reconcile your feelings about all of this. Take care.