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My Dad’s health is declining. My Mom is in such good shape I have to remind myself she’s 80 years old! She’s starting to doubt her ability to care for him. He requires a lot of care. Not bed-ridden but limited mobility due to heart condition. It’s very hard on them both as both were very active until the last few years when his health became an issue. He, of course, feels awful that he can’t do what he once did & that so much falls to her. She feels awful that he feels bad. Does it sound weird to say they are so cute together in this??? It’s heart-breaking & heart-warming at the same time. They are relying on me more & more & I’m honored that they do. They deserve the best of everything. The problem is that I’m stressing about the amount of work I’m missing increasingly due to helping with his doctors appointments & such. I’ve got a wonderful boss...but only so much leave from work. Yes, I have a sister but she lives an hour away & is sort of in her own world. I guess my question is, anyone else in the same boat? How to tactfully, lovingly suggest its time for outside in-home care? My Dad seems more receptive to the idea than my Mom. Oh yeah, they’re preparing to sell ‘the home place’. They’ve been there 43 years. They’ll be moving from a bit of acreage to a condo type community. At least that’s the plan. Another tough adjustment! Thank you all...

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Maybe you can encourage them to find an assisted living facility, if they are prepared to move anyways this is the perfect time to move where assistance is readily available. I would look for one that offers continuing care and as much care in their 1st place as possible. Some of them are lovely, have lovely care and tons of amenities and buses or transportation to take them out.

Lasting love and devotion is so heartwarming and beautiful to behold, aren't you the lucky one to have parents that love one another and want to care for one another.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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"is anyone else in the same boat?"...have you L@@KED at the other posts on this forum?? ;-) If fact, yours is one of the sweeter stories since your parents at least have a grip on the reality of their situation and are taking action to down size etc.

How to suggest it's time for outside in-home help? What is their objection? The price? The loss of some privacy? The feeling of dependency? With my 2 90+ yr old aunties, they were very resistant. I did the homework in advance before talking to them. You can show them prices, vet different services, tell your dad you'll request a guy as an aid. They don't have to have a ton of care at first and they can quit it at any time.

Also, not sure if a condo is the right move. A full-spectrum senior community is more appropriate so they won't have to up-end themselves again as your dad requires more and more attention. Eventually in-home care will exceed the cost of a facility and then family is left juggling the complexities of multiple caregivers and the attendant issues. They will need time to reconcile this possibility, as many people tend to romanticize their aging journey. But they seem like reasonable people. Good luck!
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Reply to Geaton777
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I have to be honest. In some situations, there is no "sweet" way to tell someone something they don't want to know. You have to be totally honest and very blunt and tell them the effects are having on you and the rest of the family and job, etc. Tell them you have thought about it and this is the way it is going to be - no if's, and's or but's. Then do what you have to do. You cannot be everything to everyone - no one can. Do not let this situation destroy your life - it is your turn to live life. They had their turns.
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Reply to Riley2166
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Jannner Aug 19, 2019
Depends on how reasonable they are. If they are actually trying to get a good solution, I’d include them as much as possible. My mother’s already narcissist personality has just gotten worse with dementia so everything is criticized by her and she has frequent tantrums. But if your mother in particular is willing to listen , I wouldn’t take the my way or the highway approach. I’d let them be as independent as to decisions but be upfront about what you can and can not do AND stick to it. Now is the time for a heart to heart if they are reasonable. But don’t promise more than is reasonable for you to do, your needs are just as valuable.
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I really feel for you. I am in a similar situation ...but...I am the 80 year old woman, (in great shape, mentally and physically) caring for my 82 year old husband who is wheelchair bound, has many other ailments along with a dementia that seems to be worsening . I alone, care for him and it is TOUGH. One son is in Florida ant the other lives too far away to help. But, in any case, I never ask for help. I would never ask either one of my children for help bcause I know the strain it would put on them. I struggle getting him to Dr. appts with the wheelchair. He  WETS THE BED ALMOST EVERY DAY. I HAVE TO GO ACROSS THE COURTYARD TO DO LAUNDRY, He loves to eat so I am at the grocery store constantly. I do tests at home (INR) to eliminate going to the Doctor.... If I need help, there are agencies to do so. So far I am OK with all I do. We both make the best of it. Your parents should not rely on you especially if your Mom can do it.  You see, how agitated you are beginning to feel and stressed out. That is something I would not want for my children. Yes, consider some home care for your parents. I can understand how your Mom feels about it because she will have a "stranger" in her home and possibly a  MAN which may make her feel uncomfortable . But if she can no longer care for your Dad, well, what's the alternative ?  You are a wonderful son (or daughter) to care so much but you have your own life to live.  Our kids think we are a "cool couple" because I never complain to them. There are times they ask, "Mom, how do you do this ?" I answer, "oh, we're fine and if I need help, I'll get it, don't worry" It's good that they are moving to a better place for them. Yes, it will be a tough adjustment. My son wants us to move to Florida near him . I don't want to become a burden to him and that would be a tough adjustment for all of us. Good Luck and remember, just have your mom get the help she need.   Your surrogate Mom......my name is Paula
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Isthisrealyreal Aug 19, 2019
H2S, you my precious lady will never be a burden to your sons. You know that everyone matters and I personally believe that is the secret to multigenerational caregiving success. When the senior treats everyone else's needs like they are ridiculous and just don't matter as long as they get what they want, that is when things go south, resentments build and hearts are broken. Remembering that everyone counts and should be considered is a wonderful gift to give your family.

Whatever you decide to do will be made with that heart and it will work out for all. You are a treasure to your family.

Remember though, it is okay to ask for help and to share a burden that has become to heavy. Hugs!
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Glad to hear your mum in good health and lovely to read of the loving family situation. There are befrienders (volunteers)who can take people to appointments, shopping etc. (and report back to you if needed.) Though you’d be reliant on what your mum says re what happened in actual appointment.

Whilst it is great they are considering downsizing - I agree that it would make sense to move where, if or as their support needs increase these can continue to be catered for without the added burden on yourself or your mum to find and pay for further support.

Unfortunately most support is usually on one sibling with others busy with their own lives. I used to do my work reports between 23.00 and 01.30 every night after caring and somehow be up at 05.30 again!

Hope you can find a suitable volunteer to help with the appointments. Best of luck to your lovely parents in their quest for a new place - moving is a stressful event.

Regards,
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Reply to DareDiffer
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we talked my dad, a widower, With middle stages of dementia, into moving from the family home into independent living and he said it was the best thing that ever happened to him- no more housework, cooking, grocery shopping, less financial management b/c most everything is being managed with on monthly bill.
there are 2 bedroom suites and you can have your own car- come and go as u please. My dad said even the mail at home was over whelming for him, my brother does his mail and bill paying. Dad has made many new friends and seems to be enjoying the last few years of his life.... and we sleep really good at night knowing his needs are being met ❤️
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Reply to belindaparis
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I am in the rowboat right along side of your parents. I am 84 and my husband is 9 years older. He has always been a robust guy, mentally and physically - up to a year or so ago. His vision deteriorated rapidly and he has just gotten out of the hospital with congested heart failure. He has always been the sturdier of the two, but that has changed. Now I need to care for him.
A few years ago, we realized that we could not maintain our lovely home in New Hampshire. He would not be driving much longer. We needed to change our lifestyle.

This is is what we did. We found a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC). This is more supportive than choosing a condo. They provide independent living for those who choose this life style and assistance for those people who want/need it - but they are designed for seniors. Most provide free transportation, a wellness center, a meal plan ,etc. Of course, it is safe, no stairs, emergency cords etc. We have a pool and fitness center and activities for your choosing. I swim a lot. Transportation to the grocery store or doctors is a big relief. I drive sometimes and use the ‘company car’ for other trips. Different facilities offer slightly different plans, but, basically, there is support for seniors.

The import word here is “continuing “. You can be as independent as you like, but they will have a skilled nursing or assisted living available, so if one of us has hip surgery or becomes ill, there is medical care on the premises. There is a lot of information how to cope with our special needs. Perhaps you may need extra care after an illness or physical therapy, etc.

Is it perfect? No, but it is better than being alone and stressed out. My mantra is “it’s the wisest thing we can do at this time of our lives”

I strongly suggest this choice over a condo. It is designed to support seniors. I would check it out.
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Reply to Bdette144
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Isthisrealyreal Aug 19, 2019
Bdette, you are obviously a very considerate and loving mom and dad to place yourselves where you will get good quality care and where your family can continue to be family.

I am so with you on your choices, well done!
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Actually, there are a lot of good things here. Your parents really care about each other and are "cute together". This is great stuff. I would break down the caring of your father into smaller segments and work that out with the three of you. Really plan this out, so that you don't miss much work, your mother doesn't get overwhelmed and your dad can contribute as much as he can. I think you've got to work this out together, and based on what you wrote all would fully participate. I would also get your sister involved in whatever way you can, even though she is in her "own world". She can still contribute. I think planning out as much as you can and figuring out effective roles & participation of each of you is going to be really important. Again, everybody has a good attitude. God Bless.
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Reply to HappyWill
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One more think Pennys. Can you schedule those doctor visits on your own time rather than your parents making and then telling you?
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Reply to MACinCT
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Pennys: Condo living might work FOR A SEASON. By that I mean no one ages backwards and as a result, while this may work short term, long term they will need more care. Perhaps best not to sink $$$$ into a condo when they will need more in the future.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Jannner Aug 19, 2019
Exactly and one more headache to sell in a short time
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