My dad is incontinent but is in denial. Years ago he took a medication for it, but won’t follow up on treatment for it, and refuses to wear any sort of pad. When he soils himself, he thinks no one can see it and denies that it has happened, blames it on a spill or dishwater, etc.

He has a long history of manipulation and is very prideful….. I’m stuck. A few times he has done this in public or at my house, and then sit on my sofa.

Its so weird to me that he’d rather have everyone know he has peed his pants vs getting some help with it.

Feedback, anyone? Thanks.

He is anosognosia - denial of his health problem. You will have a difficult time convincing him he has a problem. Consider this as a mild version of a stroke. That part of his brain does not function properly - and probably will not function again.

So, better to make some changes that work while he visits in your home. You can put waterproof mattress pads on the sofa or chairs he sits in. You can even dye them to match the color of the chairs or sofa so it won't be as obvious. It would be better to put them on all the chairs so he doesn't feel singled out.

You can also get him pull-up type incontinence briefs that look and feel a lot like regular undergarments. My husband uses ones from Depends while he is in rehab from radical prostate surgery. Nobody can tell the difference and it helps male pride to preserve his dignity when he is at work or away from home.
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Reply to Taarna

The book titled "Caring for a Loved One with Dementia: A Mindfulness-Based for Reducing Stress and Making the Best of Your Journey Together" by Margueritte Manteau-Rao may help. The book offers a compassionate and effective mindfulness-based dementia care guide to help the caregiver reducing stress, stay balanced, and bring ease into the interactions between the caregiver and the person with dementia.
  I have reviewed a number of books on this subject and resources from the Alzheimer's society. This book stands out for the following reasons: 1. Experience and contribution of the author to this field. 2.How to deal with the delicate yet serious subject. 3. Practical recommendation in day to day life of a caregiver, not just for dementia and 4. Caregiver's empowerment to deal with the issue as well as motivations for the caregiver to reach out for additional external assistance.   

   The burden of caregiving can put the caregiver at increased risk for significant health problems and many experience depression, high level of stress, or even burnout. Nearly all caregivers at some time experience sadness, anxiety, loneliness, and exhaustion. Seeking help and support along the way is not a luxury, it's a necessity.May you resolve the difficulty in the New Year.

This aspect of Physical and psychological difficulty is unfortunately a part of our aging.
please see if some suggestions from the book mentioned below helps you.

Best wishes.
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Reply to Narayank
Narayank Jan 3, 2022
I meant mentioned Above.
Replace his underwear with disposable underwear. He will have no choice in the matter.
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Reply to LoveLea

gracielou0407: Imho, perhaps he should be seen by his urologist, who can prescribe a medication, Myrbetriq to help with his problem. It's a medication for overactive bladder. Also, it goes without saying that he should be wearing a protective pad/Depends before he damages furniture any further.
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Reply to Llamalover47

This is such a touchy subject--when my FIL was aging out, he began to be double incontinent--bowel and bladder. And while the bladder leakage was bad, it was NOTHING compared to the bowel blowouts.

He wore animal print thong style underwear--so, absolutely no 'coverage' from that. Since this was my FIL, not my father, made it impossible to talk to him. The only thing I was able to do was get him full briefs, which helped a tiny bit.

I SHOULD have pushed DH to talk to his dad about this. But I didn't. Both of them were so embarrassed--well, shoot, I was the one cleaning up!

I did refuse to take him out to eat. That was my cut-off point--him messing his pants in a restaurant and sitting there acting like it was all fine. He passed away before we could really 'fix' this problem. I know for a proud man as he was, this was awful. I do feel like we let him down, in a way.

Though, realistically? I don't think he would have worn any kind of incontinence underwear, no matter how put out it made other people.
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Reply to Midkid58

Understand this is a humiliating time and help him through the emotional stigma.

He surely is either not completely aware or things every problem is a one-time accident.

Aging is hard for al of us to accept and this certainly must be very emotionally painful and embarrassing.
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Reply to ACaringDaughter

First of all, forget he is in denial - facts are facts - and this is simply unacceptable. If he is at home, he needs a caretaker and if that is not possible, then he should be placed. This is disgusting and filthy and can lead to infections and other problems. DO NOT ALLOW HIM INTO ANYONE'S HOME OR CAR IF HE REFUSES TO COOPERATE IN KEEPING HIMSELF CLEAN.....Tell him why and what the boundaries are. Also tell him he MUST COOPERATE or he will be placed where others will "dress" him to prevent accidents. And, of course, check out if there is any medical help. If he refuses, then he has to sit in his "s***". What else can you do?
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Reply to Riley2166
Cover99 Jan 2, 2022
He has dementia
It sound like MANY people with dementia. In my case , a fastidious man has developed a nose that does not work . He can not smell himself or how his room smells . Getting him in the shower is a major issue . His brain is Broken . He has a hard time getting to the bathroom in time. I think the message that he has to go , gets short circuited . He did have the prostrate surgery he needed. And has been better than he was . It does not seem to bother him , he just changes and puts the Wet things in his hamper . . I know his pride is involved .. I do 2 full loads of laundry every third morning for him . There is a thing called Anosagnosia .. In His reality, there is NOTHING wrong with him . HE CAN NOT CHANGE if his brain is broken . There are CareTakers meeting , check into it . Knowing you are not alone, helps . It may not help BUT it will help you ..
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Reply to Nanulinda1

There are several varies of adult diapers on the market. They range from wetting pant to full diapers. I'm not familiar with men, but my mother wore pull-up type diapers. She was so easy to care for and willing to go along with whatever I suggested. Good luck!
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Reply to ljnanchy

My Mom was like this too. I guess it was pride and not wanting change. Persistence should work. She was not worried about the accidents, and most times did not even realize it had happened. The smell and moisture was not offending her. We replaced the underware as said above. I think they do not know that the new ones are very light and not bulky. Get the right size for a good and comfortable fit. Disposable liners on all furniture (or they have washable ones) and good washable underlay for the bed. The portable commode in the bedroom made for a lot less accidents. Think about your space, and how long it take to get to the bathroom, and where possible make it easier. You also need a good diaper pail for storage until they are disposed, this will smell if not the right kind of pail.
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Reply to jlastwood

Is dad living in your home?
If so replace ALL his regular underwear with the disposable pull up type.
Then he will have no choice, he would either wear that or go "commando"
If he is not living with you there really is not much you can do.
When friends stop inviting him to their house for fear that he will soil furniture, when you only allow him to sit on furniture that you have disposable or washable pads on, when people will no longer take him in their car, and they won't ride in his maybe then he will get the "hint". (I do hope he is not driving though)
If he is living on his own and had dementia he should be in Memory Care. At that point he would not have an option they would make sure he has disposable, absorbent briefs on.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Grandma1954

Welcome, GracieLou!

Your profile says that your dad has dementia. If that is the case, it may be helpful for you to think of this as "broken brain syndrome". He can't logic this out anymore.

Consider replacing all of his regular underwear with Depends or Teva disposibles.

Do you accompany him to doctor appointments? You should bring this up to the doctor.

And buy Chux pads for your furniture!
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

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