I’m 54. My father is 94 and my mother is 92. I’m married and live nearby. Thankfully, they have in-home care, but I briefly swing by most afternoons for about an hour and a half or so, as I handle their grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, paying their bills, etc…
I have always had a very close relationship with both of them. My mother is difficult, but she loves me dearly, and I love both of them dearly…
I only have one older sister, but she moved out of state last year to follow her kids and grandkids, which made a very difficult situation even so much harder on me, and left me feeling abandoned, overwhelmed, and angry at her for leaving me “holding the bag”, so to speak. But I’ve come to accept her moving away, and we are on good terms now. I’m no longer angry at her, but it still hurts that she left me all alone to take care of two elderly parents, especially knowing the mental and emotional effects it is having on me. Just so she could follow her grandchildren to Florida (I live in Connecticut). She moved a year and a half ago, and has never been back to visit. I asked her, “are you ever going to see them in this life again?” and she gets annoyed and won’t give me a straight answer, which I think is absolutely horrid…
I try to carry on with my life as normal as possible, but I basically feel heartbroken, alone, and scared every day. I cry a lot because it’s so unbearable for me to witness two formerly strong, independent loving parents be reduced to this… a shell of who they were. Obviously they’re up there in age, and it’s the “cycle of life”, but the fear of their passing consumes my life. Every day, I fear getting that phone call. I can’t imagine my life without either of them, and especially my father, since I was always “Daddy’s Girl.” As a kid, I had actual nightmares about losing them, but they were only in their 50’s back then, so it was a long way off, and I could shove it in the back of my mind and forget about it. But now that they are both in their 90’s, their passing is staring me in the face, and it terrifies me…
I work part time in the mornings, and I find it helpful, mentally, to be around other people in that setting. But if I had even one supportive person in my life, it would help a lot. But my sister and my cousin, who I am close with, they both live out of state now, as do my two closest friends. Phone calls are good, but certainly not the same as having a close relative or friend living nearby. Making matters worse, I have a difficult marriage with a man who lacks empathy, so I can’t lean on him, either. I joined a women’s group at church, and they are very nice, but they all have kids, and I don’t, so I find it hard to connect with them because that’s all they seem to talk about is their kids…
And to top it all off, I have two cats, one which is in the early stage of kidney disease. My cats are essentially my kids, and so now add the heartache and fear of losing him, in addition to losing my parents…
I am just so tired of living like this, feeling sad, alone, and scared every day. But there’s nobody nearby for me to turn to for support and comfort. I am NOT suicidal, but every day, I wish God would take me, because my heart hurts so, so much, there’s no relief in sight, and it’s only going to get worse as they continue to decline. Yes, there will be a certain sense of relief when they pass, because the ordeal will be over for all of us, and I know they will be with God, and I will join them one day. Yet I will be devastated, and I fear that I won’t be able to handle it, even though I am a person of faith in God. But I’ve yet to experience the passing of a close loved one, and the thought of it terrifies me…
Given the absolute insanity across the globe nowadays, perhaps the Second Coming of Christ is around the corner! I can only hope, as that would be my only viable means of rescue, LOL…
I know there are no easy answers to any of this. Just wanted to vent. And to find out if anyone can relate.
A therapist is usually objective and non-judgmental, and a trained professional to ask the right questions and help you figure things out so you can get some relief. You can meet with the same therapist for years if you need to, or a few months, it's up to you. Many people meet with a therapist on video chat now, or in person. If you need to find a video meeting site there is MDLive, Amwell, Teladoc, Betterhelp, Talkspace, any of these are good. Some take insurance. Good luck to you!
BTW, I, too, was a "Daddy's Girl"...and when he passed away (nearly 30 years ago at age 72) the only reason I could go on was because I had a 2 year old son with severe disabilities who needed me. Just because you don't have your own children doesn't mean you can't find meaning by getting involved with kids who really need you. Just my opinion....
You can't blame your sister for wanting to be near her children and grandchildren. You could ask your sister to fly in to help you find "in home care" for your parents and / or look for a facility to have in mind when the time comes.
There are times in life when everything seems so bleak and negative and sad and it is during these times that we have to make a concerted effort to look for the positive, look for the good. I find myself driving to work and looking at the sunrise and thanking God for how beautiful it is and how lucky I am to witness it. Or looking at a photo of my grandson and marveling at how smart and curious he has become. Or I'll see a car accident and think "someone is having a worse day than me...I should be grateful". It is those little recognitions about your life that you have to take notice of and move to the forefront of your thoughts so that the negatives of your sister moving, your parents aging, etc.. don't determine your mood or drive your emotions. It's all about balance and it wouldn't hurt to talk with a therapist to help you find yours.
Take care umbrellagirl. You're not alone.
you say that you believe in Christ. In my many years of losing husbands to sudden death, 7 cousins and a brother and sister in one year, i can understand the sadness that you feel. I know a personal relationship with Jesus, He is my constant companion. He has an angel assigned yo each of His followers that watches over you constantly, thakinv your prayers and needs straight to Him. Your parents have their own personal angel, and when the Lord wants them back with Him permanently, He will call their name. I have witness the death of many people, and believers always go in such peace. Be grateful that you have this time with them now, and pray for their comfort. Pray for your iwn comfort, by the Comforter that Jesus sent to His followers. Pray for your husband, he needs compassion. Sometimes it takes a Valley for someone to learn, so be prepared for his Valley if that is what’s needed. Only the Lord knows that.
May God bless your soul and keep you close to Him. Ask Him for a friend. He knows everyone.
i have a psychiatrist that I have been seeing for years because of my ADD and she is a wonderful support. I am on medications for depression as well. The combination has helped me deal with the situation. You say that you are involved with the church and, as others have said, perhaps you can find someone to talk with there. They can’t prescribe medications and sometimes antidepressants and/or anti anxiety meds can really help as well.
For a while it felt like all I was doing was helping my mother and I couldn’t enjoy and appreciate the time we still have. I found a doctor for her who has helped some of her physical issues and I also found someone to help with the cleaning and other household chores so I no longer have to do a lot of the things that took up my time when I visited her. I live about two hours away and see her once or twice a week. I have decided to spend more time doing pleasant things together so when she is gone I can feel like I was able to enjoy the time I have with her now.
I have also worked in animal hospitals and have also been through renal failure with several of my own cats over the years. When facing losing a pet please realize that they aren’t aware of the length of their life but the quality. It is always hard to lose a four legged family member as well. Some cats live a good life quite a while with supportive care. One thing that may help you is having a talk with your vet about what to expect as the kidney failure progresses. I found that they can help to decide beforehand at what stage or if you would be comfortable with putting your cat down. That can help reduce the stress of making the decision when you are feeling the full emotions. Your vet has gone through the process of supporting owners facing loss.
I think the thought of losing parents is stressful for everyone with the ability to love. Unfortunately that is the price we pay for loving others. I have found that pretty much all of my peers have gone through or are going through the same thing you are to some extent. Some just have more support. You are definitely not alone!
Some methods therapist might suggest can be anticipatory grief as it is good tool for anybody. It is not easy to come to acceptance and it vacillates, it is no linear, it is going from denial, anger, acceptance and back again.
But to reach some level of acceptance allows to make plans for your own life or give yourself permission to enjoy more of life left together. Engaging in life fully is the gift you can give your parents, not forgetting about yourself and getting friends, social life, hobbies, plans for a future.
All of us know quite well on some level we wish things will end, does not necessary means dying, but it does as well and as some therapist explain we feel guilty and we should not, it shows we care deeply. Yet, as we know there is nothing absolutely nothing that is going to spare us that pain. The difference is how will we deal with it, embracing it, enjoying life, not succumbing into despair.
I'm sure you know that people don't get everything in life. You're lucky to have been 'Daddy's girl' and to have grown up in a loving family. Your parents have lived to a very old age and you can still enjoy visiting with them. This would not be possible if you actually had to take care of them yourself. Clearly they are good people who love and respect their kids enough to not assume that they will be the old age care plan. That is a blessing and you are very, very fortunate.
In addition to going to therapy, you'd do well to stay on this forum too. You can talk and learn from people here who have miserable lives in caregiving. People forced to be caregivers to parents they have long and abusive histories with like myself. Others who face real problems like homelessness when the caregiving slavery ends. You'll feel a lot better about your situation talking to people like this.
Last night my mother was really in the mood for a fight. I had already emptied her commode full of piss and sh*t 11 times in one day. She was really doubling-down on the verbal abuse to get the fight started. Even though I'm an adult and have 25 years of experience caring for elderly and disabled people, it still hurts when one's own mother (who they've been a servant to for years and who mom has hated and abused from pretty much day one), gets told what and lazy liar they are. I walk away and completely ignore her. What other choice is there? This is what so many of us deal with every day because we're actual caregivers to narcississtic abusive parents who don't care about us and who we really don't care for.
You don't have any of this. Lucky you. Lucky me because I'm walking away. So many are unable to.
Keep this in mind when you're feeling sorry for yourself.