What was the bill ? Perhaps you can at least address his anxiety about what would happen if it wasn’t paid. Perhaps there are more fears beyond this. Just showing him the invoice doesn’t address whatever fears may be lurking behind this one.
For my mom, it seems to work to agree with her in some way. I would suggest in this situation you say, oh ok, I will look into it right away and tell you if there is a problem. Then don’t mention anything about it.
Do what is best to protect your parent. My Dad’s handwriting and forgetfulness was a huge problem. He started letting others write for him. Don’t do that. He felt dependent on others and let them write checks for whatever. We were fortunate to remove the checks. Our names are on the account. My father was very relieved he didn’t have that burden anymore. He always asks if the bills are paid and they are and he always says good. Not seeing the bills all the time helped too. It is alot of working together but having a good plan which can change but is necessary!! And they worry but can’t execute their own ways due to their executive function which is disabled due to their disease process. But you can protect their dignity by a plan you carry out.
CarrieP: Sometimes an elder will be unable to handle financials. My late mother used her town's bookkeeper to balance (NOT) her checkbook. The bookkeeper was off by $659 FOR TEN MONTHS. My mother stated "She'll get it right on month number eleven." My response - "No, she is finished; she doesn't get eleven chances; she either balances or amends the financials on the first month" That was absurd.
You can mark the bill paid IN BLACK MARKER for your father.
Hi Carrie, I went through something similar with my own dad during his last few months. He always paid his bills on time but sometimes he was anxious. He would never allow autopay- he was very much old school- so what I ended up doing was calling whatever company he paid and letting their automatic system read off the balance, which was always zero since he paid by check well within the payment window. That always made him feel less anxious. Maybe you could do the same thing and put the call on speakerphone so dad can hear it with you. If you do this, I suggest that you call ahead first on your own just to make sure the payment has posted to his account. Good luck to you.
My heart goes out to you, Carrie. It really does! You just have to use your loving "parent voice" and showing the invoice to him again, again showing him the place where shows paid, that it has been taken care of. My heart goes out to your father who once was in control of such tasks and was able to tend to them. Now, he is faced with so much he can no longer do and he is in a very stressful/uncomfortable place as he faces each day. Pray for patience to do your best. I have experienced this with my now departed husband, Carrie, so I know first-hand the frustration and stress this puts on you.
Often dementia or a confused / changing brain doesn't respond to logic.
You need to focus on his emotions and feelings (I know you are wanting / thinking you are doing this by showing him PAID invoices).
Perhaps along the lines:
I know you are very responsible paying your bills. You are paying your bills and I will always assist you in doing so. I appreciate how concerned you are. It is important to acknowledge (reflective listening) his words back to him: Yes, your concern of paying your bills is very legitimate.
Calming him might only happen when you change the subject to shift his mind / fears to something calming.
Try any approach that 'sticks' or works. And, any approach may change with each passing day.
He might 'just' need something else to occupy more of his time, i.e., tv, a book, a puzzle, knitting (?) painting, going in the garden or to a park. Fill up his time with different experiences. See if this helps.
Many older people get on a repetitive roll of comments. Acknowledging their concern and moving on (distractions) seems to be the best most of us can do.
My Dad had anxiety over money in general. I signed up for an online account and told him whenever he needed to know what was going in financially we could check it immediately.
When my Dad was in ICU before they moved near me my Mom and sister made a complete mess of the checkbook balance. He was obsessed over having his checkbook balanced. He would get so upset and hold his head and sometimes cry. I got it to balance and the next month it was not balanced. Once he realized he didn't need to do that the anxiety lessened. Eventually I had to take care of all their finances and he was so happy let the control go when he realized it was handled well and the sky didn't fall.
Thank you for doing all this. It sounds like a text book way of dealing with financial matters . . . as long as the person can respond / see the logic of it all. We have to try everything until we find out what works. Of course, when it deals w statements / financial and banking needs, someone must handle it (as you did). Gold star for you.
At the end of the financial institution. It may not address the irrational fears. Depends on the level of dementia.
It isn't easy easing the fears of a person with dementia. I find gentle touch and smiling, and tone of voice helps a lot (and, especially, when logic is out the window).
Why not try CBD Gummies. My husband has gotten great relief from delusions regarding imaginary things/tool that he has left behind and jobs he has to get finished. We can tell when the dose is wearing off in about 4 hours and his anxiety begins to return. It takes about 15 min. for the comforting effect and then he returns to his usual confused but cheerful self.
If it is one particular thing he’s worried about, maybe you could make a call to the business and have them talk to him to reassure him the account is paid. When my MIL was considering the immunotherapy her oncologist recommended, she obsessed about the cost (can’t really blame her; it’s obscenely expensive), my husband had her call the insurance person at the doctors office and they were able to assure her insurance would cover the bills.
I can see where this might not be feasible if his anxiety about bills extends to more than just one specific thing though.
How clear is it from the invoice that the sum has been paid?
If there is nothing on the invoice that shows money received, in what format are you showing him proof of payment?
Finally - is he accepting what you say, and then returning to the theme and worrying about it afresh later on; or is he listening to your explanation but looking dubious?
My Daddy obsessed about things and I would show him a picture of it. If he ask 2 or 3 times I would show him the same picture. Some great answers are here and I hope they have helped you.
I came here to say the exact thing that @Moxies just wrote:
If you simply can't get dad to understand that the bill is already paid, sit down with him, and write a check for the amount as he watches (then secretly void the check). Address envelope, put voided check in, pretend to stamp it, and walk out to mailbox to pretend to mail it.
It's a long shot but maybe this charade will ease his mind about that one bill on which he is fixated. Good luck.
My mom obsessed over deadlines and bills and gas in the car, etc. I created a white board calendar and put the bills and paid beside them. She kept it in her bathroom so she could see it. Since I had the bills on autopay, it was easy to go in and update the paid date. After a while, it stopped bothering her but she didn’t want me to take the board. When I put the same info on paper, she lost the paper and we looked for it. The white board was better for her.
would it be ridiculous to “pay the bill” with him? You can destroy the check later. He may need to do something concrete to allay his concerns. Someone i knew gave his wife papers to organize, nothing real, he said sorting them comforted her. You might explore similar activities that make him feel like things are under control. I would think of bank statements or checks for a closed account, envelopes, things like that.
You have to learn how to ignore with love. Show him the proof of the bill being paid a couple of times then let that be the end of it. Do not take any more questions about it. Do not show the proof again. Ignore the repeating and do not allow any further discussion about it. Your father's behavior is common for people with dementia. You must ignore the topic of a dementia loop. It is the only way to possibly break a person out of one. You answer a couple of times and then that's it. Try distracting him with something else. It may work, it may not. You'll just have to ignore with love. It's the only way.
I am assuming your father has dementia or you wouldn't be on this site...??? If that is the case, there is no reasoning with him. Dementia is not just about "forgetting". They can't problem solve or reason either...their awareness disappears and they aren't rational. Many become worried and paranoid. All you can do is reassure him that you have taken care of it and verified everything with the bank and then change the subject. I have found that asking them an unrelated question derails their thinking for a while, but it will come up again. They get on auto loop and you will eventually get on auto loop with your responses. In the beginning it's hard not to take what they say to heart...especially if it is accusatory, but you'll get there.
Get a BIG stamp that says PAID IN FULL... Stamp all receipts "PAID IN FULL" and show those to him. Some people need that visual. And older people are more apt to "believe" something that says "paid" rather than look at a receipt that looks pretty much the same as the bill with little lettering that says...auto payment received. Or full payment will be deducted on... (by the way hide the stamp so he can not find it.)
Maybe put some bills on automatic bill pay? I did this very early on as I knew my father would never let me take over paying his bills or admit he needed help, and I found several very delinquent property tax and insurance bills on his rental properties. I put the really important bills on auto pay with statements/invoices emailed to me so he never even sees them. Sometimes the out of sight out of mind solution is the best option. If she doesn’t ever see the bills coming in she may forget about them entirely. Go slow at first. Do one a month so it’s not so abrupt that she notices suddenly she has no bills to pay and see how it goes. You can always switch it back if you need to.
My 90-year-old mom who has dementia is very focused on her estate accounts and bills. Every month I review all her finances with her, but she does not remember. Her new memory is almost gone. Sometimes she asks me about her accounts on a daily basis. What I do every month is put her monthly invoices marked "paid", and her estate accounts statements in a clipboard. Every time she asks. I tell her to look at the clipboard and sometimes I show her the paid bills. It gives her comfort. Of course, now she is forgetting about the clip board and where she puts it. So, I hide it and when she asks, I tell her where it is. It seems to give her comfort. I also do not worry if I have not time to change the statements every month because she can't tell which month it is about 50% of the time. I hope that you find a solution and I wish the best.
Quite honestly, if you showed him the bill, and showed him that it is paid, and he still cannot understand that, then there isn't really a way to calm him down about it, other than repeating that the bill is paid, gently, over and over. It is unlikely his brain will let go of this until it does let go of it, if you have so far been unable to divert his attention from it. Put on a really good movie and hope it works.
I am assuming that this is not terribly unusual behavior for your dad? Am I correct? I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. I sure hope it gets better. If you find something that works hope you will update us to let us know.
Why not try CBD Gummies Rather than anti-anxiety meds which are sedating and have dangerous side effects. My husband has gotten great relief from delusions regarding imaginary things/tool that he has left behind and jobs he has to get finished. We can tell when the dose is wearing off in about 4 hours and his anxiety begins to return. It takes about 15 min. for the comforting effect and then he returns to his usual confused but cheerful self.
You can mark the bill paid IN BLACK MARKER for your father.
You need to focus on his emotions and feelings (I know you are wanting / thinking you are doing this by showing him PAID invoices).
Perhaps along the lines:
I know you are very responsible paying your bills.
You are paying your bills and I will always assist you in doing so.
I appreciate how concerned you are.
It is important to acknowledge (reflective listening) his words back to him:
Yes, your concern of paying your bills is very legitimate.
Calming him might only happen when you change the subject to shift his mind / fears to something calming.
Try any approach that 'sticks' or works. And, any approach may change with each passing day.
He might 'just' need something else to occupy more of his time, i.e., tv, a book, a puzzle, knitting (?) painting, going in the garden or to a park. Fill up his time with different experiences. See if this helps.
Many older people get on a repetitive roll of comments.
Acknowledging their concern and moving on (distractions) seems to be the best most of us can do.
Gena / Touch Matters
Even if the logic of the word doesn't.
When my Dad was in ICU before they moved near me my Mom and sister made a complete mess of the checkbook balance. He was obsessed over having his checkbook balanced. He would get so upset and hold his head and sometimes cry. I got it to balance and the next month it was not balanced. Once he realized he didn't need to do that the anxiety lessened. Eventually I had to take care of all their finances and he was so happy let the control go when he realized it was handled well and the sky didn't fall.
It may not address the irrational fears.
Depends on the level of dementia.
It isn't easy easing the fears of a person with dementia.
I find gentle touch and smiling, and tone of voice helps a lot (and, especially, when logic is out the window).
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As long as it works - any moment of 'cheerful' 'confusion' or confused cheerfulness is a blessing.
I can see where this might not be feasible if his anxiety about bills extends to more than just one specific thing though.
If there is nothing on the invoice that shows money received, in what format are you showing him proof of payment?
Finally - is he accepting what you say, and then returning to the theme and worrying about it afresh later on; or is he listening to your explanation but looking dubious?
If you simply can't get dad to understand that the bill is already paid, sit down with him, and write a check for the amount as he watches (then secretly void the check). Address envelope, put voided check in, pretend to stamp it, and walk out to mailbox to pretend to mail it.
It's a long shot but maybe this charade will ease his mind about that one bill on which he is fixated. Good luck.
For him, just seeing the bill with "Paid", and the date and amount on there would be fine.
Your father's behavior is common for people with dementia. You must ignore the topic of a dementia loop. It is the only way to possibly break a person out of one. You answer a couple of times and then that's it.
Try distracting him with something else. It may work, it may not.
You'll just have to ignore with love. It's the only way.
Stamp all receipts "PAID IN FULL" and show those to him.
Some people need that visual. And older people are more apt to "believe" something that says "paid" rather than look at a receipt that looks pretty much the same as the bill with little lettering that says...auto payment received. Or full payment will be deducted on...
(by the way hide the stamp so he can not find it.)
I hope that you will be able to find an answer for his behavior soon.
I am assuming that this is not terribly unusual behavior for your dad? Am I correct? I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. I sure hope it gets better. If you find something that works hope you will update us to let us know.
You might ask his doctor about an anti-anxiety medication.