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In the recent past I had my own private in home care business. Due to multiple deaths in my family I dropped my entire life, shut my business, sold my house, I raised my children moved to be near my mother who now was alone do to the other family deaths. My mother has never driven so I felt compelled to move to help her. So now 2 years later and I am loosing myself. I try to help by doing things that go unnoticed due to her vision of that her house is so dark she can’t see the things I do. Yesterday was my last straw. I was filling up my grandson's, her great grandson, sippy cup which has mildew in it and she asked what I was doing that was a clean cup. The cup itself was clean but not the insert that helps the flow of water, it was gross. I tried to explain to her that she may not have even noticed and the only reason why I did is because it popped out. She immediately went in the defense and began her usual cursing rant how not 1 time can I just come in without judging her house or the way she lives. Which is absolutely not true. I visit very often and do not. Please help

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Ssmr,

I like your honesty in your response to Alva.

Some people have always been difficult to be around. I hate the feeling of walking on eggshells.

I have reached a point that I either ignore it, or like you, become annoyed if I am pushed too far. We all have a breaking point!

My husband’s grandmother was as mean as a person could get.

I despised being around her because there was simply no pleasing her.

She found fault with everything and couldn’t have been pleasant even if it meant to save her soul!

Her daughter, an only child was the exact opposite and was a lovely woman in every way. It was a joy being near my MIL.

One day while I was in my 20’s, I decided to ask my mother in law if her mom had turned mean because she was old.

Her response was, “No honey, my mother has been mean all her life. I never knew her to be a nice person.” It’s very sad.

I have often found that a core personality stays the same.

If a person was nice in their younger years, they generally remain nice.

lIf they were mean in their youth, they continue to be mean, sometimes more so!

It becomes harder and harder to tolerate it the longer it goes on.

Sadly, we have no choice but to stop caring for people that have never wanted to be the best person that they can be.

If they don’t want that for themselves, they certainly don’t care about being their best for others.

At one time I tried to help her. My mother in law gave me wise advice.

My mother in law said, “Don’t bother. It’s a waste of time and energy to try to get her to understand. She’s a hopeless case. She always blames others. She will never apologize for her rude behavior.”

So, I stopped reaching out to her and I was at peace.

She was going to be miserable no matter what!

My husband’s grandmother went from a poor farm family, one of 12 children, in a small town in Louisiana to living in an uptown mansion in New Orleans.

She even had housekeepers during the depression and nothing was ever enough!

She treated her husband that gave her everything like crap. He was a kind soul. I suppose he had to be to put up with her.
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bundleofjoy Jan 12, 2021
dear need :),

hug!!
although your answer is directed at ssmr, i find your words very useful for me too!!

hug!!

and the words of wisdom from your MIL.
useful!! thanks!!
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Ugh. How annoying! Not sure how to deal with it as I am trying to figure it out with my own mom.
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Ssmr2016 Jan 11, 2021
Thanks I knew it was going to be difficult with my mother, she’s always been very mean and nasty defensive person. Sad to say about my mother but it’s who she is.
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This sounds like a minor tiff. She couldn't see it. She felt defensive and judged, as you already recognize. It is part of aging and the loss of control. It will get much much worse. I will say you will just have to chalk it up to a momentary misunderstanding if this example is about as bad as it gets. I understand both your sides, though of course you are right. She can't see it; this will happen more and more.
You say you visit very often. I guess that means that you moved NEAR her but not IN with her. So all I will say is to be certain you do NOT move in with her. Help her where you can, when you can, while you can, and know that placement time WILL come. Keep the finances very clean for lookback on medicaid because she will likely need that unless she has a lot of savings. Don't mix in monies, yours and hers. Keep careful records and keep all bank statements. Get the POA for health and financial done. The time will come when you need all that.
Try not to sweat the small stuff. The tippy cup really is small stuff, a misunderstanding due to her failing site and her fears of loss of control. I sure wish you luck. And cursing rants? Let her know you don't deserve that, and won't be talked to in that manner. That a cursing rant will have you out the door in seconds or off the phone and is a surefire way to get rid of you at once.
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Ssmr2016 Jan 11, 2021
I knew when it came time to be care take to my mother it’d be this way she’s always been a very mean nasty person. Unfortunately
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