I manage the considerations on caring for my 96 year old mother. She’s in good physical health aside from pain from a longstanding back issue. Her mental capacity is declining. The doctor says she has moderate to severe dementia.
Mom is in a small indepentent care facility where she can interact with others or stay in her private room. She is safe and has oversight by staff. It is a “family” type atmosphere.
Relatives rarely come to see Mom. But occasionally they come or call.
The problem is that Mom is paranoid due to her dementia and does not think she is in the best place and also complains about things like the food there (I think it is good...better than I could do), and her television (the TV is in good working order, but she cannot operate the remotes I have provided even with written instruction).
She doesn’t complain to me, but she cannot remember her financial details (I manage her money and do her errand running and medicines management...I have POA). She tells the relatives all her complaints when they call. There are only a few that she still remembers and recognizes, but these are the ones causing issues.
When she complains they assume I am not doing anything to address her concerns. In truth I have tried many avenues to address them, to no avail. They make matters worse for my mother and me by agreeing with her that something should be done to make Mom happy. I, of course, am the problem. I don’t know the extent of their betrayal because Mom doesn’t tell me and relatives generally don’t talk to me....unless they want to know something.
They haven’t come out and accused me of neglect, but I am questioned about why Mom doesn’t have this or that.
They question my use of a camera in Mom’s room (I use it only to monitor whether someone comes in and takes or moves things in Mom’s room, which is something Mom claims (they haven’t. It is part of the dementia to be paranoid.) The camera also allows me to see that she is okay at random times of day.
I cannot describe all the ways I have provided and they have questioned, but hopefully you get the picture here.
I cannot control them. But I’d like to discourage them if possible from making Mom more paranoid, miserable and unhappy than she is by encouraging her to complain and feel sorry for herself. Communication would be wonderful, but I think they have already made up their minds, unaware of the extent of Mom’s mental decline.
Thank you in advance.