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My mom has POA and it is detrimental to his well-being.
I've only started learning in the last week about the abuse that was in my household due to my narcissistic mother. I do not know if my father is narcissistic; I suspect he is on her side though since it is his wife and I'm the only daughter, the one who followed in his professional footsteps, and am therefore a threat to my mother, though I never knew it before. My dad had his first stroke in 2006; since then he has had more things happen such as falls, trips to emergency rooms, and a seizure; they are not necessarily her fault but he was in her care when those things happened. In fact, his seizure happened when they traveled to Washington State last summer in 2014 and my mom did not pack my dad's CPAP machine which is prescribed to him & required of him to use; then he gets a seizure. Maybe it's a coincidence or not, but I was furious that she packed a car full of crap and did not bring his required medical equipment.

I have distanced myself a great deal from them in the past, not knowing why I didn't want to be around them and in spite of my strong love for my father; I was with him the first night he was in the hospital after the stroke; stayed up all night by his side so someone would be there; my mom had things to take care of understandably and I did not mind as it didn't cause problems with my work. I went to the majority of his rehab sessions & was there for his discharge, when my mother was hours late for the discharge; I remember my dad looking out over the railing outside asking where she was; heartbreaking to say the least.

My narcissistic mother has power of attorney over my father; should anything happen to her it is listed that myself & my two older brothers will have decision making power as to what becomes of him and his care. My two older brothers are busy with their lives & submit to my mother's thumb even though they don't agree; they just want to keep the peace, I get that. The thing is I want my father out of her custody as soon as possible because my mom is not helping him get better.

There's a lot of back story but what happened tonight is what has pushed me to the limit: my dad sat in a wet diaper for over 4 hours and my mom knew it was wet and didn't tell me so I could fix it. It's understandable for my father to forget but my mom -- the legal caretaker -- knew about it and says she forgot, thus she didn't tell me. A legal caretaker does not get to use an excuse like 'I forgot' because that is a sign that she should not be a caretaker. My professional background is in court reporting so I was exposed to lots of legal and medical matters over the years and have come to learn through experience when something is legally questionable.

Now that I am learning about narcissistic behavior traits I question if my mom really forgot or if she chose not to tell me, knowing that if I get upset at her she will get attention from me and that is all a narcissist wants -- attention for everything. She has used my father's sob story to fuel her narcissism all these years now & on top of it she blames me for problems because I get so upset with her poor treatment of him it often makes me walk away, giving them silent treatment, thus she tells everyone I'm not talking to them and I'm the one with the problem.

I love working with my father, doing therapies, doing all the stuff the therapists say he needs to do to get better; none of his therapists have ever said anything against what I do, they only encourage me. My mother has never been interested in that & has always held the mentality that that is the job of the therapists, not her. I always watch people work with him and ask lots of questions so I can learn how to do it; I have no problem changing his condom catheters or diapers; I told him not to apologize for it, since my mom makes him feel bad for it. I can handle poopy diapers; I cannot handle her poopy narcissistic attitude towards the situation, my father & life in general. It is not good for my father, myself, nor my mom, but she is in denial & refuses to see the reality of what she has brought on herself.

I don't want to lose my father more than I already have but am not sure what awaits me if I try to get power of attorney out of her narcissistic, overbearing, and controlling hands. Extended family is now learning about what's going on, namely my mom's older sister who knows my mom is in denial & it's not good what's going on here. I will be starting dialogue with my older brother (the other older brother is a half brother and not my mom's son) about what my concerns are. I'm the only one who fights her head on & it scares me to think what could become of it all. It kills me to think of leaving my dad in her care any longer & it scares me to think what the legal battle may entail.

If anyone else has experienced this or has advice on the power of attorney I would be more than grateful to hear from you.

Thank you.

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I hope others read your post, you will read an endless tale from many lives in their responses. And you made a good comment about surviving in spite of the narcissistic parent. My brother and I just had a discussion about this very subject. We both have raised our children the exact opposite of our parents. So in a crazy weird way I learned from my parents. I learned how not to be.
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Thank you, palmtrees1. Knowing I'm not alone is now a very huge thing that helps me because I never understood any of this until a week ago.

My father's financial support is through the V.A. and Medicare; he gets enough to cover rent at a house that is not conducive to him; my mom picked the house of course & I've never cared for it. Due to all the paperwork that runs his life, that neither myself or my brothers have ever had to deal with, I know that will add one more obstacle/barrier to getting my dad the care he truly needs.

You are right, it is the empathy thing; she shows none towards him or me or anyone, and so many people are under her spell without realizing it; she is the abuser and I am the problem so I don't know who I can turn to on his medical team without fear of them talking to her behind my back. There are so many traits to a narcissist that every time now I wonder why she treats him the way she does it makes sense when I pair it up with a narcissistic trait. The other day I was telling my father that he can do more around the house to help because he is still quite able; he could dust, he could help tidy up; he can't go fast but he can do it with verbal guidance. She just laughed while reading her paper when I said it. With that attitude it's impossible to improve; it is a miracle any of us have gotten as far as we have with her in our lives.

Thank you for the information & book list. When an online acquaintance told me that she had a jealous mom too, that's when I googled 'mothers jealous of daughters' and a world opened up to me I never knew about; an article by Karyl McBride was the first article I read on the topic & everything made 100% sense. I'm working to learn more everyday so I can prepare myself with the tools I need to not be sucked under her thumb more than is necessary to survive in the same house with her. I start off strong in the morning but come nighttime I get worn down.

It's hard when I realize my dad wants to be with her & he is very open to the power of suggestion now due to his neurological issues. He will follow my suggestions, which I try to implement healthy, good things into his life; then she will undermine me behind my back by giving him bad foods or taking him away from exercises that he has to do in order to get better. She's also diabetic and uses that to get attention without doing anything to better herself; she'll read tons of books without implementing what she reads, but she can talk a good game due to her knowledge from reading.

I can't imagine what it would be like if he were an abuser too; I'm sorry you had that situation. This is opening my eyes to how much hurt so many people in this world must live with that goes unnoticed; I'm glad you have found tools to help you get better and understand more, that's the best anyone can do. It's funny because for my mom's lack of empathy I have very strong empathy; I am her opposite and that is another reason (I don't doubt) she has never cared for me; I am not her mini-me, I will not do her bidding, and this feeds her envy of me all the more because I do all the things she can't do. Very ugly dynamics that overwhelm me but the thought of getting my dad the care he needs is what keeps me going more than anything; not to win over her, but because he deserves better; without him I wouldn't be here and I feel it's the least I can do for a man who did so much for me.

Thank you again!
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Also, I continue to read wonderful books about narcissistic mothers and fathers. Each one helps me grow. I just read a book about verbal abuse in relationships. It opened my eyes to what dad did to us.

Here are some of my favorites books:

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming your Life by Susan Forward

Will I Ever Be. Good Enough? By Karyl McBride

Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina W Brown

The Narcissistic Family by Stephanie Donaldson

Not everything in these books apply to everyone but there is much to learn. I have been thinking about you ever since I read your post this morning. Good luck
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Oh dear do I ever.

First, you would probably have to get guardianship of your father and that would most likely be very difficult. You could end up with a guardian no one wants.

What you can do it be there for him and forget her. No matter what it takes.

My mother is and was exactly like your mother. Dad became ill with Parkinson's and ulcerative colitis at 81. He had diarrhea for a year and no one took him to the correct doctor to diagnose his illness. Mom told me to butt out and my brother was too busy to care.

The big difference between your father and mine is you love yours. Dad was an emotional and verbal abuser and mom enabled him. He loved her but he was nasty to me. She always got what she wanted so she didn't care what he did to me and my brother. They were both narcissistic. I am and was the scapegoat in the family and was told to basically go to hell.

With the colitis, he often had "accidents" which she complained about. With the Parkinson's he fell in the yard and had to call for help. She made fun of him. She showed him no empathy. She doesn't know how. No empathy is the number one symptom of narcissism.

Just before he died she told everyone that he was not coming home but going to a nursing home because she wasn't able to care for him. Then she was enlightened to what would happen to her bank account if that happened. So when he had the good graces to die instead, she was happy as a lark for a while. But with no friends, she had no one to lunch with. So it was poor pitiful me.

My brother blames himself for not doing more. Seven years later she still complains about Dad's medical bills (they have Medicare and Blue Cross) and how much his funeral cost. She is an old miser.

Now she is neglecting her health but her chickens are coming home to roost. My brother is taking her to a doctor today. She is jaundiced and has tea colored urine, can't eat and is losing weight. Not good.

The irony of it all is I wonder if she even thinks about how Dad suffered and she was nasty to him. She has been nasty to me for years. Claimed I wanted her money, all sorts of lies. Now it is her turn. My husband always says"As the worm turns". Not sure what that means but funny!

When it comes to narcissistic behavior we have some experts on this site. I expect you to get many, many replies and from that you will learn a great deal. Also google daughtersofnarcissisticmothers. Some good stuff there.
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