Being a caregiver is the hardest thing I have ever done! How can I be a better person emotionally so I can be a better caregiver to folks?

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My name is Carleen, I'm an only child with 3 adult kids and my grand daugther. We all live in the same house with my parents who my father 90 has Parkinson's and my mom 91 with dementia. I take care of them not cuz I have to cuz I love them! My daughters help me the best they can but they are young and need a life away from here!
So years ago I quit working to take care of them 24-7. It's been a while since I have been caregiving and I watch both my parents getting worse each day! My mom drives me out of my mind with her whining and complaining and crying about nothing! Her spitting,hacking,and spitting it's so disgusting! She use to pee everywhere but that stopped thank God! We had to change the carpets to flooring just to keep up with the cleaning and get rid of the smell! I have to feed her every meal and it's a battle every time. I get so frustrated and angry cuz I can't make her understand anything! She can't see well and her hearing isn't good and refuses to get a hearing aid! I get mad cuz why can't she just be a sweet little old lady and not so negative and mean!!!
I don't have a life I never go anywhere but church (where I can regroup, I never want to leave there)and grocery store I'm losing it!!!! Once in awhile I get to go do things but it's not like it use to be when I was free!!
I feel so guilty all the time for feeling the way I do saying what I'm saying now and getting angry and not being more soft spoken, kind and patient! I'm constantly asking God to forgive me for my attitude! You know I never would hurt my folks I'd die first so that's not an issue!!!
My father wow he is a work of his own! He is a good man don't get me wrong but he calls my cell phone like ringing a bell constantly in the middle of the night to empty his pee jug, what? Yup!! I never sleep cuz my mom doesn't like to sleep and the doc gave her sleeping pills BUT my dad won't give them to her!?!?
I feel like I'm losing it! I'm short tempered with everyone I get jealous when they all go to Disneyland cuz we have passes and I can't go! I don't have a social life cuz I'm afraid to leave after all they need me they could fall or anything could happen!
I could just keep venting but I sound like a bad person when they get the best care I could give anyone!!! I just don't know what happened to me, myself the person I use to be! I'm a loving person, with a kind heart and I'm so generous but anymore I'm bitter and angry and cry constantly oh dear God I need to find myself I feel so alone and unappreciated! Heck try not having any money or going out with friends or finding love or having a life! Like I said I have kids to help when they can and want to, but I don't want to burden them after all these are my parents.
I sound pretty pathetic don't I?
If anyone can give me some advice on how to get over what I'm feeling I'd greatly appreciate it.
I guess this whole things isn't on how to take care of my folks it's really about me😢


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You don't sound pathetic. I don't know what I can say to get you over feeling what you're feeling but I can help give you permission to feel any way you need to feel. You're not wrong in feeling the way you do. Like CarlaCB said, you sound like someone who needs a break from the caregiving. When we pour everything we have into someone else we end up with nothing and that's an awful feeling and an awful state to be in.

I agree with Carla's suggestions and keep coming back here to vent and to get support.
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Hi Carleen -

You don't sound like a bad person, not at all. You sound like a person overwhelmed with 24/7 caregiving for two difficult parents over a long period of time without a break. There is nothing wrong with you or with how you're feeling. No normal person can tolerate this level of stress long-term and remain calm, kind, and even-tempered. Nobody can feel good all the time about giving up their leisure time and social life while watching other people go on with theirs, going on vacations and to social events and having the kind of fun that is no longer part of your life.

There are many of us in the same boat here, or very similar. I would say that many or most of us feel very much the way you do, with our own personal variations.

You say you take care of your parents because you love them, not because you have to, but the problem is you do have to. If you didn't have to, you could do just as your kids do - help out when and as you wish and carry on with your own life as well.

I doubt you're going to be happier with your life until and unless your life changes, or you can at least see the light at the end of the tunnel. If your parents have the funds to hire some help, get someone in there to relieve you so you can go out and have some leisure time. If they don't, you may need to consider applying for Medicaid for them and possibly moving them to a senior facility. Maybe a counselor could help you assess your options and figure out what you could do to change your own life while still feeling that you are fulfilling your obligation to your parents. Keep posting - you'll find plenty of supportive people here.
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