How can differences between siblings be resolved without conflict concerning the care for our Mom?

Good luck. First, my story, then my suggestion shaped by my experience.

One of my sibs & spouse who live just 5 minutes from my parents just wouldn't make my parents' needs a priority. Other sibs and I are hours away. I couldn't stand to see mom suffer because nearby sib couldn't make the time so I got more involved and got care sorted out. My guiding principal for all recommendations and decisions was "What is best for Mom and Dad" (not what's easier for us kids and our families). Fortunately Mom and Dad have resources to pay for adequate help and don't actually require much day to day help from us kids. What they do need is an advocate to help them get quality care, help them make decisions and ensure that there is follow through amongst the many members of their medical teams. Against Mom's wishes and my concerns with the facility, my sibling convinced dad to move mom into Assisted Living. Mom has had numerous preventable medical issues since moving to AL and Dad is uncomfortable advocating for her on his own. The one sibling has always been a my way or the highway type and will not consider anyone's else's input. Didn't want the responsibility of stopping by or calling several times a week to see what they needed and just wanted them in facilities where someone else is responsible. Ultimately this sib declared Dad and me to be narcissists and refuses to have any contact with us because we did the things sib/spouse couldn't find time for instead of waiting for them to get around to it. What a cop out. They proudly wave their "no contact" flag as an excuse for not doing a thing to help with our parents.

With this God awful experience under my belt, I'm now watching my spouse's step mom becoming very selfish as my father in law's health is rapidly deteriorating. She is refusing the help that HE clearly needs because she doesn't want people underfoot and won't give up driving despite everyone's pleading. I have recommended the family hire a certified Geriatric Care Manager to try to get MIL to focus on both of their needs, not just her own desires. Otherwise, I'm trying to stay out of it because I'm jaded by how things went with my own family. It seems the older we all get, the more life experiences there are to shape our perspectives, good and bad. It's easy to get married to our own ideas as a result. I'm hopeful that someone that is not a family member but an objective third party knowledgeable in all the options can get everyone on the same page before these family relationships are strained to the point of breaking.

Has anyone had a positive experience with a GCM in a prickly situation? How did you choose a GCM?

There is no mention of what caused your sister to turn a bend, as it sounds as if up to a point all of you had been working fairly well together. Can't you just ask her what is up? How could anyone here know? Is there a big disparity between what everyone agrees she needs? How is your sister being overly protective? It is very hard to get a number of people to agree on almost anything, but if everyone truly does want the best for your mother, I guess majority should rule.

I would be more concerned, as others have said, with my mother's emotional well being. All this "help" coming in after your father died, could be stressing her out, not to mention the family squabbles.

caregiving can put a lot of strain on sibbling relationships. So be it. The focus should be on Mom and nobody but Mom.

My first thought when reading your question was "one of you has to die".
Sorry, that was too harsh, wasn't it?
My one sibling lives about 200 miles away and doesn't want to know how mom is doing. Doesn't call, write or come for 20 years. I am SOO thankful that I don't have to deal with him.
Perhaps you could suggest how blessed you all are to have each other to help care for your mom. If someone disagrees with something they need to discuss with everyone to work it out together.

My suggestion is to go back and read Ferris1 reply again. She is ALWAYS on target in these posts (in my opinion). I think what we all can learn from her experience is that it is in the past and now she is retelling her story to all of us.
It has been over a year that me, my mom and my two older brothers have been fighting in the courts over the "family money". 11 years ago, it WAS agreed upon by all family members that wanted my older brother in charge of the trust. That was 11 years ago! The way things have happened, the things that have been done, the lies that have been told, have all combined into me and mom NOT wanting his as the trustee. (but for some reason one of my brilliant brothers thinks what was agreeed to back then is how everyone should feel now after 11 years of having experinces with him in charge.) Btw, my mom's favorite thing to say about him now is...."that boy of mine is a liar, a thief, and a drug addict."
Anyway....
You have to hire a lawyer NOW! Get things put down on paper. Hopefully your mom has enough of her marbles to say to a lawyer or a doctor what HER wishes are. So far me and my mom and trust money has been spent upwards of $75,000! The darn trust was only worth $300,000 when this all started!
(personally I have stopped feeding my lawyer and my final total from MY OWN money is $24,277.50) Mom is still spending her own money to get older bro to step down as trustee in the tune of $35,000. Both my older brothers get to keep this going on and on and on since they get to use the trust to pay THEIR lawyer bills.... so far about $18,000. Lucky them to not have to use their OWN money!

Who is your mom's Power of Attorney?
Is there a Will?
How about health care issues?
If you feel it is bad 3 months in, I can't even begin to tell you how much worse it is going to be at 6 months, one year, and five years down the road. Get mediation and/or lawyers, and/or social workers INVOLVED YESTERDAY!!

Before my Dad passed away four years ago, he kept telling me that there was something wrong with our mother. I think he came to me with his every time I visited, because I was the only one with a medical background. I had noticed that our Mom became agitated and moody very easily, but had no idea that she was show timing the majority of any day. There are seven siblings total in our family. The dynamics between us is less than perfect, actually they are horrid.

Our Dad was actually the hub of our family, and now that he is gone, there is nothing but hostility between the majority of the siblings. Our two oldest siblings were made Executors of our parents will and my oldest brother has POA over Mom's finances. From the get go, they hit the ground running and sold our parents house and it's furnishings. According to three of our siblings, they were never informed about the estate auction and found out about it through word of mouth. My parents had said in their will that everything was to be sold and proceeds were to be used to care for our mother. I won't go into a long lengthy story, but unfortunately our family is totally torn apart now. The middle children resent the older ones claiming that they have taken advantage of our mother in her old age. They are angry with mom because she removed them totally from her will after she was told that they had said as far as they were concern she was dead and they wanted nothing to do with her. These three siblings have not come to see her in the four years since our father died, nor have they offered any assistance for her care. Yes, they came forward and slammed our oldest siblings when our Mom decided to gift four of us with money from her estate. They literally were enraged about it. They didn't want anything to do with the care of our Mother, yet they wanted to be financially compensated when it came to her money.

I'm the youngest daughter, and honesty, I would gladly give my portion of inheritance to these siblings if I thought it would relieve the resentment of our siblings towards our Mother. This resentment goes deep, as our Mother was undiagnosed manic depressive while we were growing up and left open wounds. Mom had her favorites and played us against each other. When it comes to family Dynamics, it's like tossing dice when parents age and depend on the care of their children when the time comes. Each child has their own way of dealing with the emotional aspect of losing their parents. I had to learn to let my siblings grieve their own way and not try to control the situation how I wanted it to play out. Unfortunately, our Mother is reaping what she sowed out over the years with her disregarding and hurtful additive towards her children. Is it fair? Is it going to resolve all the issues NOW between the siblings once our Mother is gone? My guess is the hurt and pain is just to damaging. I've even suggested we all go into family therapy to work through it and regain some semblance of family unity; but have been shut down with all the anger and resentment. Good luck on resolving your issues with your sister. The waters run deep in these areas where parental care is concern.

I am the youngest of 9 and I am the one responsible for my mothers care in the sense of bills and house care and medical care. 3 of the four girls and I rotate staying with mom when the aid leaves for the day. My youngest brother's wife tries to interject drama but we have decided to ignore her and whatever nonsense they bring and just work with the four of us girls about her daily care and notify them in emergency situations ONLY. We also experience Dementia issues with mom but we learn how to deal with it TOGETHER. I also have medical and all power of Attorney concerning mom. So maybe you should get one person to handle things and everyone work together through that person. Sometimes it will get overwhelming but i am sure she hates this as much as you all. But she needs ALL OF YOU to find a way to work together. by the way one brother is a lawyer and I still override all decisions because he is busy, so dont feel guilty about what is being done for mom just as long as things benefit her. She knows when their is tension between the siblings. She knows!!

I am the younger sibling and can appreciate what ferris1 said. My sister, who is only three years older than me, has always acted like I know nothing b/c I'm younger. Really? It is so strange how childhood carries well into adulthood. The reason I say all of this is because perhaps your younger sister feels her input or suggestions are not respected. I, too, would prefer to keep communication with my sister to emails b/c talking with her is exhausting. So long as we keep the conversation light and cheery (basically like small talk with a stranger) she acts okay toward me. The second the conversation is not rainbows and lollipops, like regarding our parents, she becomes chiding and condescending. The best part is that she knows she doesn't have to lift a finger regarding their care. Sorry! That is my situation. Just trying to see if your sib might feel this way. I would like to cut ties w/ mine but she told me I was hormonal. See? Writes me off as though i couldn't possibly be serious. And if your sister just wants to communicate via email, what's the problem? As long as your mother's needs are being met, no offense but it sounds like you are trying to control your sister's relationship with you.

There is a lot of denial in your family as the reality of the level of care required sinks in and how it instantly changes people's lives. In family members there are varying levels of resistance to this. What I can tell from your story is that you are blaming your father for what is now happening and how your life is now turned upside down. I know because I still blame my father for not leaving any provisions for my Mum. But since you as a family are overwhelmed by the care your Mother requires - it is certain that you and perhaps others in your family were not really listening or seeing how overwhelmed your father was in caring for your Mum - he might have even been protecting you so you could get on with your normal lives as long as possible - sacrificing for you. That's very possible.
Words like overprotective and irrational - I'm glad you were direct and used them. Those are your feelings - so important you are truthful - but do not believe they represent the "truth" or the whole story. Those were the words that were used against me years ago when I started to look after Mum. I'm not saying this is so - but hear me out - it may save you and your siblings a lot of pain and your Mom a great deal of suffering. There is often a sensitive one who is able to see more of your Mom's needs. It may well not be you. It is likely your sister. It does also make them seem crazy to others. Demential / Alzheimers care is a bottomless pit that I've been exploring for 8 years now. There is SO much that can be done - but many are able only to see or know the extent of the needs - especially the psychological ones and as they learn accommodate those needs as their lives are being rewritten by what they see. It makes sense - we protect ourselves from too much change. There are so many layers of denial. But not everyone is like that - some are ready for more sacrifice. Those who are willing to sacrifice more should be supported, the family should rally around them and ensure that they are compensated either through time or money, and through encouragement, so they can keep delivering and exploring the best possible level of family care for your Mum's sake. Your sister may be leading with her heart. This needs real shared leadership for you to care for your Mum as a family. This needs humility - and the highest level of teamwork. This is very personal and it is possible that my experience may not apply to you. Take what feels like a fit - and I wish you courage and love enough.

Dear rubydee, May sound harsh but It sounds to me like priorities are out of order. This may sound cruel but at this point in time the focus should be on your MOM, not your sister.
If she can no longer be receptive to you all, then maybe she needs a break from it all. Everyone's feelings are important, however, as I said "Your Mom should be the priority". In my own experience, a long time care giver to both my parents, someone has to step up and set it straight for your Mom!! Once the boundaries are set and all are on board with what is needed, then hopefully things will go smoother, but if not, someone may get their feelings hurt. I have done what was best for my parents, not my siblings. Best to you as you continue, remember who is most important and be sure you take care of yourself along the way, if you are the main caregiver, all the help you can get is important, but sometimes their are to many Chiefs and not enough Indians!!!

I think was Sueber48's suggestion was a good one: a family meeting with a professional such as a social worker would be a very good thing. Emotions always run high in these situations; my sister and I run hot and cold and I've learned to accept this. The important thing: try to find your serenity. Easier said than done but please, try to make a concentrated effort to calm yourself with music, or meditation or prayer, or walking or whatever works for you. I recently took up knitting. It helps enormously when shut off the negative chatter and thoughts in your head.

Having three sisters, one brother and a mother with dementia had its very volatile moments when she was alive (dec. 2002). Being the youngest with the nursing education only made it worse because they did not allow my professional judgment to help our mother. Consequently, I filed for guardianship, the court made all four of them co-guardians, and I kept taking them to court because her care was suffering. The judge sided with me, and changes were made, but not before I was accused of being irrational, etc. After her death, we were civil for the funeral, however, in 12 yrs. we do not speak to one another, my brother died in 2003, and I have no idea the status of my sisters. So decide now how you want to proceed, because things only get worse (stressors) before they end with the death of your mother. My condolences on the death of your father.

It is obvious that you are a close family and you are trying to do the best for your Mom, kudos for your valiant effort! That being said, some people are less able to take the emotional strain than others and need more support.

This is tough. Sounds like you live near each other. I would call a family meeting with a social worker/counselor and try to talk things through that way. You may need to consider one of you being "in charge". Clarifying expectations of each of you is critical.

Having a parent or spouse with Alzheimer's can cause a lot of emotions. When we see how vulnerable they are, it's easy to become overly protective. Still, your sister should be sharing information with the rest of you.

Another thought: Your dad died three months ago, so your mom is probably in deep grief (even if people don't think she knows - she does). It could be that your mom is declining rapidly in part because of the loss of your dad and your sister is afraid that she will be blamed for this decline since she's currently in charge.

The only way, of course, if to find a way to communicate. Gently assure her that you know that your mom is in a downward spiral and no one can do anything to stop that. Let her know that you feel she's doing a great job. You just want to know how things are going like she does when you are taking care of your mom.

If that doesn't work, perhaps a friend of the family can talk with her. Sometimes someone outside the family can seem more unbiased and people will open up.

Good luck,
Carol

Try to find out from your sister specifically what her concerns are. Then try to show her that these things are being taken care of, and that there is no need for her to be concerned about these things. Also, do make sure you are dotting all your "i's" and crossing all of your "t's" in regards to your mother's medical care and her finances. This could avoid any possible legal trouble down the road. If your sister is still unreasonable, then it is her irrational need for control causing the problem. Just make sure you are always acting in your mother's best interests, and taking good care of her, and that is all you can do. Best of luck.

Tell us what you mean by irrational and overprotective. Is there a disagreement amongst the three of you about what level of care mom requires? About whether mom should still be allowed to drive, manage her money? Need more information to be able to give you any real advice.