My mother has been living with me for 10 months! She is becoming increasingly hard to deal with! She is negative about everything and this Thanksgiving she decided she wasn't going to partisipate because my niece her grand daughter is a lesbian! My niece has been with same partner for 3 years. So my mother first boycotted a cousins Thanksgiving Dinner on saturday because the host has gotten into an argument with her once before Then she informed me she would not be attending my Thanksgiving brunch either. She refused to come up and wouldn't talk to anyone including other family members and friends! She just sat by herself til a friend picked her up! Everyone including my niece kept saying what's wrong and I just said I didn't know because I didn't want to ruin thanksgiving for everyone. I felt heartbroken and angry and I haven't talked to my mother since it happened! I have done so much and I feel so mad that she did this to me in my home! She has caused many divisions in our family thru out the years and I am the only one who stepped up to care for her when she had a heart surgery on Dec 31! What do I do! How do I resolve this? I can't even look at her!

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In my family, the sibs in my mom's generation all share certain traits that drive us nuts. We cousins all have a sort of short hand code - "you know how they are" and everyone nods. I bet your family is well aware of your mom's attitudes. On the more upbeat side, I did see a grandma do a complete 180 on her grandson's being gay. They became quite close -
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Frygirl, my Mom is very bias about people of other races, cultures, religions, weight related, even gender..... gender meaning she thinks women shouldn't be doctors, attorneys, sports announcers, etc., that they should be home having babies.... [sigh].

I could never reverse what my Mom was thinking, my Dad wasn't bias but he usually went along with what Mom felt, it was easier that way. Thank goodness I didn't inherit Mom's bias gene.

My Mom asked the caregivers that I hired to go home. She even made rude remarks about one caregiver because of her size and race, that was so embarrassing.... the caregiver heard what my Mom had said and this caregiver gracefully put her finger to her lips as to let me know don't say anything to your mother. That was an emotional moment for me.

Now my Mom had been in the hospital and is now in long term care, and the various people who she disliked were/are the wonderful nurses, aids, techs who were/are now taking care of her. Every now and tend I will hear Mom say to a nurse "speak English".... oh, dear.

And Dad, who still lives in his house, has those great caregivers back and he feels like he's living like a king with all the great care he is getting :)
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DITTO to what Countrymouse says!
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You say: "She has caused many divisions in our family thru out the years…"

Yes. She has. Not you.

Do not feel the need to apologise for her.
Do not expect her to be different from how she is.
Do not accept responsibility for her impact on other people.

You stepped up because no one else would and she needed help. That is, I believe, a good example of unconditional love. Which makes you a pretty special person.

I expect that is also why you quail and cringe when she hurts, shocks and offends other people - because you care for their feelings, too. And that is the only thing about you that I would even want to see change, and only in this way: stop worrying about everyone else in the world. They're grown ups. If your mother pisses them off, they can take it up with her.

I wonder: do you tell your mother what you think? When she says she's not coming down to dinner because (I'm sorry, I have to admit I think she's hilarious) one of the guests is a lesbian, do you remark that her behaviour is nonsensical, or are you too harassed and upset with worrying about how hurt your niece might be to say anything to her?

Your mother is what we call a wind-up merchant. You think she's homophobic? Is she h*ll. It's just a fantastic chance to put the cat among the pigeons, which she has seized with both hands.

You didn't know what to tell people about why she wouldn't join in. Here is a selection of stock answers for you to choose from on another occasion:

You know your grandmother!
Beats me.
I have grounded her.
Don't ask.
Who can say?
God has struck her wicked tongue dumb. Happened this morning, right at breakfast, when she was denouncing gay marriage… Make of that what you will ;)

I know, I am being flippant, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't break for you. You are trying to keep everybody happy while your gremlin mother rides you. Well, I personally adore gremlins. I think they add salt and spice to the world and I wouldn't be without them. But then I don't have to live with one, plus I'm not as gentle and caring with other people's feelings as you are. Don't change yourself, please; but please do stop feeling that HER behaviour can ever be YOUR fault. Hugs.
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Thank you for feedback! You all make it sound so easy and now I am questioning why it bothers me so much! Lol ! You are correct she has done these type of things all our lives! I guess I hoped with having such serious health issues she would have seen the light so to speak and become nicer!
Have a great day everyone!
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Great suggestions .... why ruin your fun time with family because of choices she has made? No need to stretch your brain and your feelings from the fun you could be having to her setting in her room....we don't get to have fun often. So enjoy yourself, she will be content in her misery and everybody wins...
Another suggestion to questions asked....she would rather be by herself . In reality we owe no one explanations for others.... just keep it simple and go on and enjoy the family... it's hard not to take it personal, but it's not.. it is her being her... so you be you and have a great time..
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Is this sort of behavior new for her? Or has she always been stubborn and less than loving to family?

when a person's behavior changes radically, it is sometimes a symptom of a medical nature that should be reported to her doctor. Just something to keep in mind. But it sounds as though perhaps mom has always been this way.

Don't personalize the selfish behavior of others. You are not responsible for your mom's behavior.
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How do you resolve what? That she prefers not to be with family on holidays? Nothing to resolve. She goes out with a friend or stays in her room. Not your problem.

That you can can't even look at her? How about this? "Mother, I will always love you, in spite of the fact that I don't love everything about you. Please don't expect me to change my opinions and relationships with others in the family to match your attitudes. I don't approve of your attitudes. But I do love you. If you can't be pleasant to family members I love, then I am glad you find other things to do while I am with them. Neither of us is going to change our views. Let's not let this come between us."

That the rest of the family wants to know what is going on? You have some choices there. You could stop protecting her. You could "out: her. "Mother does not want to be where there are gay people present." That would be one answer once and for all. Or you could continue to play dumb. You don't know what is going on. I assume you think this will save some hurt feelings.

Your mom did not do this to you. She has done something to herself that isolates her from people who could be a loving part of her life. It is her loss. I understand why you are mad, but really, is this about you? I doubt that this is Mother's way of hurting you or humiliating you. It is her way of being insensitive and bigoted. Nothing to do with you, really.
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You do not resolve it. Mom is set in her ways. If she wants to sit a holiday out, let her. Do not try to talk her into it. Do not cajole to her. She will never change her mind on how she feels about this. Let her be. The more you try the more she will dig in her heels.
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