No, you don’t “need” to take care of anyone and everyone when you have chronic pain yourself. Who put this responsibility on you? Why would you accept it? You and your husband (if you love him and he’s nice to you) should be your only concerns.
Of course we want to help relatives that we love. I understand that you want MIL to have good care. But some things are beyond human endurance and ability. This is one of them. Your husband and his mom “need” to find care for her. They won’t know that unless you tell them. Better do it soon. Good luck to you.
Since having cancer, chemo and then a year recovering from major foot/ankle surgeries, I a, in some level of pain everyday, all day.
I'm NOT the super strong woman I used to be.
Caving to chronic pain had made me feel 'less than' but I still do a LOT.
HAving to take care of my DH with his various health issues has been hard. When his mom went into Hospice Care I bowed out--before I could even be asked to help. I don't get along with her, and I knew that even 4 hrs a week of CG for her would have killed me, literally.
Stress does make pain worse. That's just a fact of life. And IDK how you can adequately care for someone when you yourself need help from time to time.
You care for your Dh by doing what you can and not doing what you can't. ANd you have MIL PAY for her own care, either in home or in a facility. It's that simple (and that hard).
Setting tight boundaries NOW before you get in over your head will save your sanity.
My DH and his sibs have not learned how to do this and spend too much time and energy on their mother, while she doesn't appreciate them and actually fights with them. I worry that one of the kids will crash and burn and MIL will still be ticking along.
Boundaries set a year ago would have forestalled the worst year ever--but they won't do it and frankly, it's too late.
Please don't be a martyr or a patsy. You can do a lot--you just can't do everything. Nobody can.
Well Deb, or should I say Cinderella? how did the three of you elders decide which one was going to be the caregiver?
Statistics say the caregivers pass before the one they are caring for about 40% of the time. If 70 or over, the elderly caregiver dies about 70% of the time before the one they are caring for.
You posted under depression. No doubt.
Deb. Here is a link to a phone number for your area agency on aging. Contact them and see what services are available to help the three of you.
I am very sorry you and your family find yourselves in this position. There is help available but you will have to search it out and be willing to say yes when it is offered.
It's hard to tell by what you wrote in your profile if your MIL is living with you and your husband. I read it like she was. I understand wanting to care for your husband, but with your health issues you won't be able to do both, and obviously your husband comes before his mom, so she's either going to have to go live with another family member, or move into an assisted living facility on her dime of course. You DO NOT want to be in the statistics of the caregiver dying before the one(s) they're caring for do you? You MUST take care of yourself as you matter too.
I cared for my late husband for many many years and I developed fibromyalgia about 6 years ago now, and he's been gone just a little over 3 years, and I can tell you that because of all the stress I was under the last few years of his life, my pain was off the charts because of it. Stress DOES affect chronic pain that's a fact, so you must try and keep your stress to a minimum. And being a caregiver for both your husband and his mom will just be too much.
And I can tell you that since I no longer have to care for my husband, and I really have no major stress right now in my life(knock on wood)my pain is pretty much gone. In fact there are days when I forget that I even have fibromyalgia. So please take care of yourself and don't bite off more than you can chew.
Hi Deb, If you are 65, how old is your husband Mike? What care does he need? What is your chronic pain problem? What limitations do you have because of it? Is Pat your MIL aged 83? Or is Mike 83, which is how it reads?
Deb, this sounds like a potential nightmare. It would probably be good to stay on the site and learn more before you take any major steps.
Just to help you around the site, on the top right of the screen for the site, you will see 'Care Topics'. Click on that, and you get an alphabetic list of many many topics that may help. There are many expert articles, old questions and old discussions on most topics. On the screen you will also see a magnifying glass for searching, which is another way into the information.
With already having chronic pain and stress yourself I don't think it is possible to become a caregiver. You give us no details, but from the little you say I would say this isn't going to work.
No, you don’t “need” to take care of anyone and everyone when you have chronic pain yourself. Who put this responsibility on you? Why would you accept it? You and your husband (if you love him and he’s nice to you) should be your only concerns.
Of course we want to help relatives that we love. I understand that you want MIL to have good care. But some things are beyond human endurance and ability. This is one of them. Your husband and his mom “need” to find care for her. They won’t know that unless you tell them. Better do it soon. Good luck to you.
I'm NOT the super strong woman I used to be.
Caving to chronic pain had made me feel 'less than' but I still do a LOT.
HAving to take care of my DH with his various health issues has been hard. When his mom went into Hospice Care I bowed out--before I could even be asked to help. I don't get along with her, and I knew that even 4 hrs a week of CG for her would have killed me, literally.
Stress does make pain worse. That's just a fact of life. And IDK how you can adequately care for someone when you yourself need help from time to time.
You care for your Dh by doing what you can and not doing what you can't. ANd you have MIL PAY for her own care, either in home or in a facility. It's that simple (and that hard).
Setting tight boundaries NOW before you get in over your head will save your sanity.
My DH and his sibs have not learned how to do this and spend too much time and energy on their mother, while she doesn't appreciate them and actually fights with them. I worry that one of the kids will crash and burn and MIL will still be ticking along.
Boundaries set a year ago would have forestalled the worst year ever--but they won't do it and frankly, it's too late.
Please don't be a martyr or a patsy. You can do a lot--you just can't do everything. Nobody can.
Statistics say the caregivers pass before the one they are caring for about 40% of the time. If 70 or over, the elderly caregiver dies about 70% of the time before the one they are caring for.
You posted under depression. No doubt.
Deb. Here is a link to a phone number for your area agency on aging. Contact them and see what services are available to help the three of you.
I am very sorry you and your family find yourselves in this position. There is help available but you will have to search it out and be willing to say yes when it is offered.
Big hugs to you, Make that call today.
https://www.westalabamaaging.org/alabama-area-agencies-on-aging
I understand wanting to care for your husband, but with your health issues you won't be able to do both, and obviously your husband comes before his mom, so she's either going to have to go live with another family member, or move into an assisted living facility on her dime of course.
You DO NOT want to be in the statistics of the caregiver dying before the one(s) they're caring for do you? You MUST take care of yourself as you matter too.
I cared for my late husband for many many years and I developed fibromyalgia about 6 years ago now, and he's been gone just a little over 3 years, and I can tell you that because of all the stress I was under the last few years of his life, my pain was off the charts because of it.
Stress DOES affect chronic pain that's a fact, so you must try and keep your stress to a minimum. And being a caregiver for both your husband and his mom will just be too much.
And I can tell you that since I no longer have to care for my husband, and I really have no major stress right now in my life(knock on wood)my pain is pretty much gone. In fact there are days when I forget that I even have fibromyalgia.
So please take care of yourself and don't bite off more than you can chew.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=recent
Be sure to read all the comments too which contain lots more tips about becoming a caregiver.
Good luck to you
Deb, this sounds like a potential nightmare. It would probably be good to stay on the site and learn more before you take any major steps.
Just to help you around the site, on the top right of the screen for the site, you will see 'Care Topics'. Click on that, and you get an alphabetic list of many many topics that may help. There are many expert articles, old questions and old discussions on most topics. On the screen you will also see a magnifying glass for searching, which is another way into the information.
When you have a chronic health condition, caring for your MIL seems like a poor choice.
What are her other options?
How much help do you have providing care to your husband?