My 87 year old Mother is caregiver for my 97 year old Father. They still live in their home. My Father wakes up most nights between midnight and 2am, insisting it is morning and wanting my Mother to help him take a shower, dress and prepare his breakfast. If she tries to convince him it is the middle of the night he becomes agitated and belligerent. He says mean things to her. She is resistant to putting him a care facility. She has hired part-time care givers for a few hours two days a week and 4 nights a week. This is not enough and my siblings and I are very concerned about her welfare. What are our options?

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It's going to come to a point where mom will have to be interested and it won't be her choice.

Some people have a hard time with change and reality. They literally have to be forced into it by circumstances.

She will either get tired of being tired, Dad will escalate past belligerent into combative, or one of them will fall.

If either one end up in the hospital for any reason DO NOT PICK THEM UP. Whomever it is must be discharged into a care facility.

I begged my mom for 10+ years to move into a senior living place and get used to it while she could make choices and have some say. Nope. Can we plan your money to protect it? Nope. Can we do this in stages since I'm 1800 miles away? Nope.

At some point you almost have to let Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall to be able to make changes happen.

Remember, if mom or dad get mad at you for doing something to keep them safe and healthy, you have not failed. There's worse than being mad, and mad passes.
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Thanks for the responses.
We have tried to get them to move to a facility that can meet both of their needs. Mom isn't interested. She does not need care, she can live independently. Their age difference and needs are drastically different making this a difficult transition. I think a crisis will have to occur before anything changes. Mom is quite capable but her judgement is slipping, just like your Mom WR.
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I would add, I'm all alone in this. If you have supportive siblings that could be a big help if you all join forces to make the transition. If I were you guys I would bambozzle (Theraputic fibbing it's called) Dad into memory care and as gently as possible move mom into assited living at the same facility. If I had help, I could pull it off with my folks but as the Lone Ranger, ain't no way.
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This sounds much like my folks, not quite this bad but getting there quickly. My add also has dementia and it's getting harder for mom to "wrangle" him. I also have realized that even though mom does not have dementia, her mind is pretty good in many ways, her judgement is not good these days. Part of it is denial. She doesn't want any help, meals on wheels, nothing.

So..........As FF says it will probably take a crisis to force the issue but even then it will be a battle with my folks.
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Tell your Mom that 40% of caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Then what would happen to Dad? He would go into a facility and she wouldn't be around. You want her to be around for the rest of the family, therefore you really want her to think about this.

Otherwise, it will take a crises to have your parents make a change.
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