Recently a friend scolded me with "YOU CHOSE THIS" when venting frustration about taking care of my nearly 90 y/o mother with severe dementia. I've had my mom in my home for 11 yrs. I plan/hope to see this to the end even as hard as it is. I am so sick of those who say "IT'S GOD's WILL" or scold me for for doing it. call me damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I know that you've been taking care of your mom with dementia for a long time. She's now 90, yes?
We had a poster whose mom died recently at 106. My best friend's mom died recently at 102.
Just because you STARTED to care for her doesn't mean that you have to continue caring for her if it's destroyed your life, health and your ability to support yourself.
I think it may be time to get mom other accommodations.
1. "Yes. I chose this. And I intend to see it through. But I just need a good vent once in a while. Thanks so much for listening and being kind."
2. "Wow. I had no idea you were such an A--. Now that I know I will refrain from discussing any of this with you."
You will find that these responses you mention are common common over time.
Many people think it is foolish to sacrifice your own life for the life of your parents. I am one of them. I think that obligation is paid forward. A parent is obligated to his child until that child reaches maturity. The child is responsible for his OWN children brought into this world.
As YOU vent your frustration to others, they will vent their OWN frustrations with you.
So, looked at one way you are BOTH merely venting frustration.
We all make our own choices, and indeed you did make yours and you continue to make your choice on a daily basis.
That doesn't mean our choices are always easy.
It doesn't mean we don't need a good vent now and then.
If you are able to find a caregivers group either to attend in person, or on Facebook, which is loaded with them, you will find people of like minds, and you can share your frustrations without a whole lot of judgements platitudes from those who haven't been there and can't identify with you.
I sure do wish you the best.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/do-i-have-any-real-friends-483510.htm?orderby=recent
In reality, you DID choose to care for your mother at home and to quit your job in order to do so. How are you making ends meet? How are you planning to survive your own senior years, earning less social security by quitting? Not to mention the mental and physical toll it's taking on you to care for a severely dementia ridden elder 24/7.
A support group is the place to vent, not to friends who won't sympathize with your choices necessarily.
Life is hard for everyone. God doesn't inflict disease upon us, I don't believe, but allows us to live with free choice which oftentimes brings ON disease. Which is not to say it's your mom's fault she has Alzheimer's. Nobody really knows WHY AD occurs. Or why certain cancers appear. Or why children die at 3 years old. It's just life on life's terms.
Tell your friends you've chosen to care for your mom at home, yes, but it's not always easy and you're simply venting. Then change the subject, that's my suggestion. People want to talk about upbeat things in general.
My mother is 98 and has been in care for 2 years. I simply could not cope any longer. I am so relieved to have my life back. She is very well looked after.
I suspect caregiving snuck up on you, as it did me. One wouldn’t call the fire dept to blow out a candle, but one day you realize your entire house is on fire. You are not obliged nor expected to handle it all yourself.
Perhaps you should carry a shiny bauble to drop in front of people that chastise you. As they bend over to pick it up, you’ll find it easier to insert their opinion where it belongs.
So true. I found the 24/7 care of a NON-demented elder, and shared with a great sibling, completely overwhelming by the time it was over (6 years). I admire the OP's fortitude, but can't comprehend how she's doing it.
I am not going to scold you, your life is your own, but seriously, start looking into a memory care NH. It is obvious by your post that you are overwhelmed.
Its OK to vent, we all do it. Vent all u want here warning us thats what your doing so u don't get negative feed back.. But you need to realize that your friends lives are much different than yours. You really have nothing in common. In their minds you have options. Place Mom, hire aids, ect. For you...you want to care for her till the end. You just want to blow off some steam every so often. Seems friends are not those people who want to hear it.
So vent to us all u want. We have been there.
Why do you feel that you must "see this to the end even as hard as it is" when it's YOUR physical and mental health that is being jeopardized here?
I mean where is it written that a child has to kill themselves taking care of an elderly parent? No where that I know of.
And if you're not careful you will end up being in the 40% of caregivers that die before the one they're caring for with dementia, from stress related issues. Do you honestly believe that your mother(if she were in her right mind)would want that? Of course she wouldn't.
So perhaps it's time to rethink your current situation, as it honestly doesn't seem to be working for you anymore. And who can blame you? You've put in your time, so now it's time to let the professionals take over so you can get back to just being your mothers child and advocate, and not her burned out caregiver.
I love my friends, I have friends aging 30-80+, so everybody has different opinion. I value that theirs views are different.
Take what is of value to you and how she perhaps see you burning out and is having your best interest in mind.
Sounds like you need respite before you end up in a hospital bed and your mother ends up in memory care anyway.
Please take care of yourself , you matter too .
During caregiving , I learned that some friends don’t do well with listening to venting about caregiving. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Learn which friends you gain comfort from .
You are not sharing fun things like where you are traveling to, how about the new restaurant you dined out at or your platies class? Fun stuff, not always about your mother and why you are stuck, or you perceive yourself to be.
11 years is a long time to be caring for someone in your home, you have no life you are living vicariously through her.
What happens when your mother dies? What is your plan? Sounds like you don't work so how do you plan on supporting yourself?
I would rethink this entire matter, don't forget, most likely someday you will be old too.
But...
When you get together with friends and if someone asks "how are YOU doing" simply say "I am doing alright" The reason I say this is people really don't care how you are doing, it is just a greeting.
If they ask "how is your mom doing" say something like "she is holding her own" or "she is resting comfortably" again people are using this as an opening to a conversation.
Now a close friend that you can talk to you might do something like this..."Betty, I am going to vent a bit here, I do not expect you to come up with a solution or comment, I just need to talk" then vent away. If "Betty" says any of your above mentioned comments then you know you can't vent to "Betty".
If someone just start in on you simply say "I am sorry but I can not listen to this" and walk away.
Is there a Support Group that you can join. That is typically a safe place to vent.
And (because it is me responding) is mom on Hospice? You will get all sorts of support from Hospice people. The Nurse that comes each week, the CNA's that come 2 to 3 times a week, the Social Worker, the Chaplain they are all there to support you.
If you merely want to vent, then do it in a support group, because otherwise you're adding your worries to your friend's own burdens.
The goal of getting together should be to bring each other up, not to bring someone down.
When I hear the same complaint over & over I do have empathy. But I wish a light bulb to go on for them.. that they can make changes & lighten their burden.
Maybe you are the solo cook, cleaner, all the care staff, activities coordinator, accountant & manager.
Or maybe you have delegated some of these tasks & have a team of people coming in & out.
"I plan/hope to see this to the end even as hard as it is".
People not understanding your choices, your values, becoming unsympathetic to your cause.. may cause loss of friendships, increase your own isolation.
This may become part of your hardship.
I lost friends and family over caregiving as well . It is isolating .
The caregiving has to work for both the caregiver and caregivee. After 11 years an advanced dementia I believe this
caregiver needs her own life back . She has no life . But that’s my opinion .
It’s her choice , she’s choosing hardship .
There is another alternative , to be her daughter and advocate without giving up so much of her own life .
Perhaps your scolder friends ,who tell you that you chose this , are trying to tell you it’s been long overdue for a change . You crossed over from helping your mother to living in hardship .
As far as the ones who say , it’s God’s will, that’s BS . A good God would not want you to suffer .
maybe this is part of the issue? Msybe your friend knows you need a break.
my cousin finally placed his mom into a board n care. It’s a 6 pack, 2 caretakers and 6 residents in a residential home modified for elderly people. Anyway, his mom didn’t even know she was in a different home. She loved it.
Outside of this group, we are all just soaking wet blankets when it comes to talking about this to people who have not experienced it.
Your friend is giving you the perspective of an outsider. She sees what you don't. Figure out how you can make your life a bit easier so you can cope a bit better.
Just make sure your commitment to seeing this through doesn't destroy your life in the process.
All the best.
My friends were thoughtful and would ask me how my mother was doing. I would give short cryptic answers such as, ‘She’s the same.” I would even say that I didn’t want to talk about it and I was grateful that they didn’t pry or push me into speaking about it.
Get some part time help in, or find a 6 pack close to you. I had my LO’s within a 5 minute drive from me. Mom n my dads sis were in the same 6 pack. I could bring them treats, play music, read to them. It was almost perfect.
so you have just your mom. Tour facilities close to you. Do have a meal there, and talk with director, it doesn’t seem like mom will be doing activities, but see what they offer for a person with your moms issues.
if you go to a 6 pack, see if the residents are out in living room area, and how they serve meals. Activities , music, smell the air, do you smell good food, clean house, or something else?
Just look into some places close to you. This will give you perspective as to what you are doing now is the right path.
If you live near a college town, perhaps allow a student who is taking nursing courses to stay in your home, and help out with mom in exchange for rent.
things to think about… im
probsbly one of many who suggested this..,
just go out and look at facilities.. you will get your answer.
if yiu need to vent, vent here..it’s a good forum.
I was a caregiver for 25 years and this is the first time I'm hearing the term 'six-pack' in regard to care facilities.
ASK FOR HOSPICE EVALUATION!!
my mom graduated out of hospice 3 times..
the third time she went to Heaven 😌🙏😇😌
I miss her. But she is liberated from the earthly body.
making the choice that is right for you. Maybe that friend will come back to you one day, maybe not. Take care of yourself.
My daughter is an RN and for the passed 27 years has mainly worked in Long-term care. She has already told me that she will not be caring for me 24/7 and thats OK. She has tried other jobs, in her profession, because she got burned out. But caring for people 8 hrs a day means you can go home and get away from the residents/patients. But when you care for someone 24/7 with no life of your own, no way to wind down and no support, its not the same thing. As a NP you did your 8 hrs a day and went home. You saw your patient and sent them on their way. You being an NP may give u an edge, but does not mean you won't suffer the same burnout as those that are layman. Dementia is like having an adult toddler only a toddler grows up. The adult's needs only worsen.
After all, I have had several friends vent to me - ad infinidum - about their unhappy marriages and their lousy spouses. I have a wonderful spouse, and a great marriage, but that doesn't prevent me from lending an ear. And they can always leave their marriage, right? But I don't think it's being a friend to point that out to them, because they all know they can leave. They choose not to, for whatever their personal reasons, and some of those reasons are really good ones. I listen, I offer advice if they ***actively*** seek it; but I also get that sometimes they just need to have someone listen to their complaints without comment or judgement. I think that's what friends do for each other.
I could say the same about people complaining about their rotten children or their crappy jobs or their obnoxious in-laws or problem neighbors, etc. In fact, most of the things we vent about are things that are able to be changed.
One, if you want to keep taking care of your mom, then do so. And don't let ***anyone*** try to make you feel "less than" because of the choice you made, nor let them make you feel as though you somehow lost your "right" to complain and vent because you "chose" this. Because often in caregiving, your description of "damned if you do and damned if you don't" is spot on.
(((hugs)))
When I went through a divorce and that is all I talked about, my friends who had never been through one were supportive at first but got tired of hearing about it after a while. They can't relate.
I did caregiving for 25 years and had a miserable time of it with my mother. I never complained or "vented" to my friends, family, or either of my husbands.
I vented to other caregivers or in a support group. That's the place for it.
No one wants to hear it. You've been in it for 11 years now and after that long a person can't help but turn into a martyr. That's a long time and if a friend tells you that you "chose" it, they're not lying.
You chose to be the caregiver to your mother with severe dementia. You chose to move her into your home. You continue to choose to keep her there and to be her caregiver.
You have choices and there are other options. She can be put into a memory care facility.
You choose to keep her in your home and care for her yourself.
Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with choosing to do it yourself. You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you chose to do it or why you continue to do it.
You wouldn't owe anyone an explanation if you placed her in memory care either.
I'm going to give you a good bit of advice here. I consider it my personal mantra and I live my life by it.
-Don't explain and don't complain.
Try it. I think it will do you good.
As for the need to "vent". Find a support group to do that in. Do it here. The forum here is a support group. Vent away.
Don't put it on your friends though.
That work?